Well, I am not the best story writer so telling all of you guys about my life story is going to be a bit of a challenge... I hope you excuse my jarring pacing though. Well I was straight, or so it seemed. I actively watched porn involving girls. It turned me on but not very much... I had to jack off to get any results. If I didn't jerk off, I would never come to any mental climax or anything. I forced it pretty much. I was a young boy and I'll call my ex-best friend 'R' so you can follow along. I thought it was nothing. I craved to be around him whenever he came over. I always impatiently wanted him over... I'd always want to be around him. Yet I never thought of it as I do now. I just thought it was friendship. R was in my life for at least a few years. I still miss him on a very good occasion or two. Starting around puberty, I would have crushes on girls. Yet I never really felt any sexual attraction towards them. I always felt like a close, loving buddy, but I'd never think about boning them or anything. (My mind got perverted later, consciously made myself think of girls in a dirty way. Ended up over-compensating. Became a narcissist. I will explain in the next paragraph.) Well I realize I was quite 'egosexual.' I would get turned on by someone stroking my ego. So that explains how girls would 'turn me on.' Their full surrender to me fed my ego and I became aroused from the stroking of such ego. That fueled a narcissistic (and somewhat ongoing) sexual addiction that lasted for many years. I would go on random chat rooms and look for girls. I would present myself in a manly and sometimes even chaste way, to win them over, and then I used the resulting arousal from the ego stroking to 'make them mine.' The 'act' itself grosses me out. Foreplay (stroking my ego BIG TIME) does somewhat turn me on but it's seeing the woman aroused that strokes my ego and therefore turns me on. She, herself, doesn't turn me on. (I can look at a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover and shrug. Doesn't do anything to my junk.) All of this behavior was online and therefore no indication of any straightness. Eventually the facade started to roll back over the last few months, with every sexual encounter with a girl becoming more and more tiring. I would feel like I was faking it the whole way just to feed my sex addiction. Then here came the knocker. Thoughts of male genitalia rushed into my head with such force that I felt like my pants were on fire. I felt arousal at the mere thought of a hard-on. It turned me on so much that I was freaking out to myself... 'I'm straight, why do I suddenly LOVE (D word indicating male genitalia)?' I couldn't stop touching myself. I stopped talking to girls like that. Nada. I only talked to one girl online in the last three days, compared with about 10 guys or so. In that one conversation, I pretty much had no excitement or desire towards her at all, and only wanted to have honest conversation. Now I seek out male company and female companionship but I feel chiefly (sexually) attracted to males. This happened three or four days ago, and it has no sign of ever being a 'phase.' I felt like I stripped down bare to myself, letting all my preconceived notions of sexuality and preference, and let myself flow with my real orientation, and it has been smoother, yet harder at the same time, since I'm facing my bad emotions directly instead of obliquely. I hate myself more because I have lied to myself for all this time. I am openly attracted to male genitalia. Everything about it makes me burn. I want it so bad. I have done many homosexual roleplay scenarios just the last couple days and I have to say they were MAJOR turn-ons. I still wish to cut back a bit but I know I'm not straight or even really 'bisexual' in any way. I admit I'm gay... But I do have a reservation, and I will explain it. I love ONE woman. I will call her A. I have not felt sexually attracted to any other woman before. She makes me crazy though. I will explain. I am not bisexual. I don't love her because she's a woman. I love her because she is a fantastic and wonderful person, and I know her to the depths of her mind and soul and I bond with her in a soulful and meaningful way, and that opened up a very deep and lovely sexual passion within me for her. I would make love to her. She is the only woman I'd ever really want to have sex with, and she makes me more aroused than any guy, honestly. I am a homosexual and a demisexual. Guys turn me on by nature, but my A turns me on through sheer depth of bond and intimacy. I hope this inspired anyone who read it.
