He was half-sleeping on the couch, watching TV, but I thought it was an appropriate time to have a talk, since my little sister had gone to bed. I approached and started walking around nervously. He asked me what's the matter, so I grabbed a small stool and sat down looking at the floor. I said "I have to tell you something" and he was worried, "what happened?". "Nothing, nothing happened." I lifted the head. "I'm dating a girl." He didn't say anything for a bit, just lit up a cigarette, and the moment lasted forever. I said "so...?". "So... it's ok. I don't understand it, but it's ok. I don't understand it. If I understood it, I'd sleep with men." Then he thought a bit more and said "you haven't met any nice men yet, that's why". And went on to tell me that I'm immature and probably shouldn't have any relationships till I'm mature enough. And that I'm self-destructive and choose to hang out with outcasts, but if I overcome my problems, I'll find a good, mature, educated man to fall in love and settle forever. Because I've "never had feelings for anybody, I'm just fooling around destroying myself, when love is real it lasts forever". He told me maybe something happened to me and caused me to be "like this", to which I replied that if something happened, it was before kindergarten so I wouldn't remember it anyway, to tell it to a therapist. He said "it's possible" and started blaming himself for not being a good father. Actually, he thought I was coming out as a lesbian. When I told him I still like men too, he said "so you can choose to only be with men". He said I should talk to a psychologist to understand why I have those "issues". I tried not to get angry, because he wasn't angry at all, just sad. But he fell asleep shortly after, so it didn't bother him that much, I guess. He thinks it's a phase, as part of my "wild young adulthood". He told me that eventually I'm going to find myself. "But I don't feel lost or confused." "But you are, and it's natural because you're so young." Today he's acting like nothing happened. We talk exactly like usually. I'm wondering if there's anything I can do to inform him. I was looking online for articles or videos but didn't find anything he would take seriously. I feel relieved though, after all. At least, now he knows.
WTF? Definitely not a great reaction, but maybe he just needs time to process it. I'm so sorry it didn't go any better!
It sounds awful, I know, but at least he didn't get any anger out on me. It's just frustrating because I feel he constantly pushes me back in the closet. It's the second time I come out to him!
Hey I am sorry your Dad wasnt more supportive. I know it can be tough but dont forget to look at the positives too. I would let it sit for a bit and see what happens, if he brings it up or it naturally comes up in conversation then reinforce what you have told him. In time I am sure he will come around.
No, I'm fine, I just hope he brings it up again, or I will, as you said... Do you know of any resources I could send him? We don't live together, I'm home only for the weekend, usually we communicate a lot through email.
PFLAG UK, Free Help & Advice for Parents, Friends, Family of Lesbians and Gays in the UK - I think they have some information on here. Maybe you could email some links or things to him whilst you are away and then hopefully he can have a look at them in his own time and at his own pace.
Hey Nedussa, I'm really sorry that things didn't go much better for you. Sometimes parents are dismissive because they think their kids are too young to really understand their sexuality, plus they often are initially in denial because they don't want to believe that their child is LGBTQ, potentially for many reasons. It is still possible that he will come around when he has had time to think about what you told him some more. Helping to educate him, as you said, is a very good way to go. The link that silverhalo posted is a good one. You might also download the Our Children pamphlet and email it to him, if you think he'll read it. Beyond that, you just have to be consistent in how you feel and what you want. Don't hide your sexuality from him. You don't have to argue with him, just give him time to let it settle in that his crazy notions that this is "a phase" or "a choice" you are making or that you can just "choose to only be with men" are most likely simply a result of the fact that he is in denial. You might also check out this EC Resource page: Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief I wish you all the best!
Well, I'm 21, and I've come out another time before, when I was 18 or 19... He just doesn't want to believe me. Maybe he would believe me if I said I'm gay, but he would think I have even more serious issues. Update: I sent an email with two pamphlets of PFLAG. He has sent me other emails, relative to my studies and even called me to say he has sent me stuff, but he has completely ignored this particular email. Didn't comment on it, didn't reply, talks to me as usual. Ugh...
