It’s been a little over a year since my mom died, and a little over five months since I came out to my brother and my dad. I’m not really sure where to begin, but I’ve struggled my entire adult life in coming to terms with being gay. About four years ago my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I was her primary care giver over the course of her treatment. Around a year and half ago she became seriously ill and we lost her shortly thereafter. I was in a place where I didn’t want to accept the fact that I was gay. I was ashamed of myself and afraid of what others would think if they found out. For some context, I grew up in a very small town. Throughout school (from elementary to high school) I was ridiculed by my peers because I was quiet, bookish and introverted. By the time I was thirteen or fourteen I realized that something about me was different. While the other guys in my class were talking about which girls they thought were cute, I realized I didn’t feel the same way. I can’t say that I was attracted to the guys in my class at this point, I just knew that something about me was different. Between the general bullying and feeling that something about me was different, I turned to food to help cope with the stress and emotions I was feeling. I began to put on extra weight, which only added to the daily ridicule I faced at school. All of this resulted in extremely low self-esteem and self-worth. In college, I tried dating a few women, but I knew I wasn’t attracted to them and the relationships never went anywhere. It was during this period that I came to the realization that I was attracted to other men. I had no real way of trying to cope with this and my relationship with food got worse. I quickly gained weight, approaching 350 pounds at my heaviest. I essentially pretended that I wasn’t gay and used food as a way to deal with emotions related to that. The moment that made me realize I could no longer live this way, was realizing that my mom was going to die. A few weeks before she passed, I told her that I was gay. She was so sick at this point though that I’m not sure she fully understood what I was telling her. And that will be one of the greatest regrets of my life. And I knew I couldn't face that same regret with my dad or my brother. At that point I made the decision to change my life. I began a weight loss regime and have successfully lost over 100 pounds. I also made the decision to come out to my immediate family. They reacted really well. My brother and sister-in-law especially have been very supportive. Which, in a weird way, has been a struggle as well. I spent so much of my life being afraid of their reactions. I’ve wasted so much time and missed out on so much in my life, that I find I’m really angry with myself for not coming out earlier. And now that I’m out to my immediate family, I’m not sure what to do. My confidence and experience when it comes to relationships is non existent, so the thought of trying to date is stressful. And I still have a lot of self-confidence issues related to body image (still have a ways to get to my goal weight). Even though I see a different person in the mirror, in my mind I’m still that 350 pound guy. This is all a very strange, and overwhelming, mix of emotions. I feel a great sense of relief at finally being honest with myself. But being open about being gay also raises a whole new set of challenges. I’ve been seeing a therapist to work through these issues and they recommended I write my story down and share it online. I’m not sure what will happen in the future, but at least I’ve finally been true to myself.
