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My Story

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Dare2bProud, May 8, 2009.

  1. Dare2bProud

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    To begin with I didn't date much in Grade School or High School. I had a few girlfriends, the check yes or no kind. I always hung out with females, sat at the lunch table with them and always identified with them. I never got along with many guys in school. I had a total of four or five male friends. I had found myself liking a certain football player who was also very well rounded in the performing arts. He was always nice to me, sticking up for me, telling people to leave me alone because people would always assume I was "gay" for all the performing arts I was involved in or for the fact I never dated anyone. I grew up in a very small, conservative town.

    When I began college, just like any guy does I went hunting for women, never had much luck in that territory. I was always "a nice guy". My first year of college I met a gentlemen who was extremely nice to me, he was very good looking and we had a lot in common. He was dating a girl at that time and I remember subconsciously telling myself "I would so become gay for him, if he was." We didn't hang out much our freshman, but our sophomore year we lived on the same floor in the dorms. We started to get to know one another, he had recently broke up with his girlfriend and I became his confidante listening and taking his mind off things. Our friendship grew throughout that year and I became overly attached to him. I began to lose many of my friends, because I had abandoned them and plus he wanted so much of my time. He would sometimes get upset if I was hanging out with someone else. Although at that time I identified as "straight" he would constantly tell me that when he first met me he thought I was "gay" and that if I was he was OK with it that he just wanted me to be me. I was a little thrown back about the fact that he would "stereotype" me that way but he continually brought up how I was treating our friendship as a relationship. That I needed to learn how to be a man. The decisions I would make he would tell me whether or not guys do that or not. He would tell me that that's not what guys do and to follow his lead. I was utterly confused most of the time, we spent lots of time together. I remember giving him a hug once and him yelling at me about it. Telling me guys don't hug other guys. It started to turn into a vicious cycle. My sophomore year came to a close and I spent a summer without him but a feeling of how much I wanted to be with him. The more I tried to suppress it, the more it would come back stronger. I was taking summer school, he was busy with summer work, I would try to call him and email him constantly. Never an answer. I wanted him to come visit, I withdrew from meeting anyone knew and basically went to summer school, came back to my room and there I would stay. I ended up calling his mom looking for him which ended up being a wrong move because he got really mad at me calling me a "stalker". We talked things out, and everything was better, but I felt really hurt.

    The summer ended, I went to see a counselor, during that time there were three girls that were in my life. One I was dating, one I tried to date and one who was infatuated with me to the fact it was scary. I was feeling overwhelmed and plus I was in love with him. I finally convinced myself that I needed to "come out" that these feelings I had were genuine and in the grand scheme of things I thought if I would come out to him that maybe he would find me as an inspiration and also come out. Maybe we would grow to have an understanding and start dating. He was the first one I told, I had to, he was my best friend. We talked for several hours that night, he left and than the next day he wouldn't talk to me anymore. He blocked me on his messenger, started dating a girl he only knew for two days, but they were exclusive now. It was so difficult to bear with the fact that because I came to terms with myself that my best friend turned his back on me. I told several of my other friends and they were OK with it. They said things like, "Congratulations for coming to terms with yourself" and "We always knew". I ended up breaking my contract in the dorms to move off-campus close to my sister who also went to college in that town. I left the dorms to distance myself from him and just to focus on me. Him and I tried to be friends a year after, but he was still the same person, living in whatever world he lived in and it would always end in hurt. One time he told me that I "outgrew him" and that maybe we should just be "acquaintances" because being friends just doesn't work. I approached him during graduation to leave on a good note and he just turned his back on him.

    For awhile, i had felt maybe I only had an attraction to him and that maybe he brainwashed me. Whenever things go bad, I still blame him. I blame him for the fact my college years weren't the "best years of my life" and I also blame him for the fact that coming out wasn't as liberating for me as I wanted it to be. After I came out I did date a girl, but I just didn't work. When I was dating I felt very oppressed. There was never really any closure with him and unfortunately there will never be. I have to find that within myself. It's been two years since I graduated, I am still very guarded and there's not a day that doesn't go by that I don't think about him. It is so true when they say "some people come to our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn". I learned a lot from him. I just wish he could have been that best friend that would have stuck around to support me.

    As far as coming out is concerned, I'm comfortable to a point. All my friends know, I'm out at work (everyone is very accepting where I work), the only person in my family that knows is my sister. I still struggle with wanting to tell my mom and dad. I'm not sure when I'll ever. They are very conservative and the comments my mom makes about Ellen & Rosie whenever they come on TV make me very uncomfortable to say anything. I once told my mom I was in a gay bar for a "sociology project" and she told me that I need to be careful because I might contract aids!! oy vey! That's when I knew, than wouldn't be the time!

    Thanks for reading. :slight_smile:

    - Kevin
     
  2. Justindee13

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    wow that sucks i feel bad for those college years but u will meet some guy in the future to make u really happy and feel loved
     
  3. riddlerno1

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    Welcome to EC!! and thanks for sharing your story!! Its good that you are able to accept who you are!!
     
  4. Magnet

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    Hi there Kevin. Welcome to EC. It's grate to have you here. Thanks for sharing your story :slight_smile:
     
  5. Lychee

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    Welcome to EC

    thanks for sharing your story with us :slight_smile:
     
  6. Just Adam

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    hey man :slight_smile: godd you found us :grin: take a seat ill get you a beer :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: :slight_smile: sorry o hear about that guy he really does sound like a jerk you are so better for no longer having anything to do with him he sounds like a total emotional huser who dont care for anyone but himself. its great you got the people at work and your sister :slight_smile: parents and familly can be hard to talk too i havent even got there yet dunno if i will. but you are amongst friends here :grin: feel free to message me anytime

    take care x
     
  7. Mirko

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    Hi and welcome to EC! Thanks for sharing your story.

    You've come a long way, and it's great that you have accepted yourself and were able to come out at your work place, to your friends and have started to come out to your family. Coming out to family is always the hardest but there will a day come when your parents will know as well.