So I told him. Finally.

If you haven't been keeping up with my threads (which most of you probably haven't :rolleyes, then here's the story in a nutshell: a really close guy friend of mine has been very open about his crush on me for several months now. And I finally came out to him today.

With some serious pressure from my brother and Caitlyn (this girl who I'm kind of sort of dating, almost--our first date is scheduled for this Sunday ), I finally got the courage to tell him the truth. I honestly didn't have a clue how he'd react, so I can't say whether this surprised me or not. But here's how it went.

I was sitting on the bus beside him, and Caitlyn (who sits right in front of me and was trying to encourage me to tell him) sent him a text message saying, "Kay needs to tell you something epic." He'd already noticed I was out of it today, nervous out of my mind about telling him. So he turned to me and took my hands. "Tell me. What is it?"

After many failed attempts that mostly resulted in "I..." and random stuttering, I decided I had to do it now or never. I was shaking and my heart was about to jump out of my chest. I tried to block the fear from my mind for at least five seconds, just long enough for one sentence, and I blindly blurted out, "I don't like guys!"

I couldn't look at him. I felt him slump down slightly in the seat, and his voice was really low. "Are you saying you're a lesbian?"

I nodded really fast, and he let out a half-groan half-sigh, really loud. And he started laughing, only it was a sad laugh, and he was shaking his head, yelling "No!" It had finally dawned on him that I was serious, and the only way I can think to describe his reaction was a form of surrender. Almost like he was saying, I've been defeated. There's nothing more I can do.

The rest of the bus ride was kind of awkward, and he was obviously trying to cover up his disappointment by blabbing to my brother about random stuff. Eventually he turned back to me and said, "You know, it's not like I hate you." I said, "I know. I'm sorry. I just don't want you to think this is your fault or anything!" And he smiled sadly and said, "I know."

Thankfully he cheered up a little after that and started joking about it, even putting on his dramatic voice and telling a story of "the tall dashing man who walked into the life of the woman who never thought she'd love a man, and finding romance." Even over all his jokes, though, I could tell he was hurt.

Thankfully, I feel like this will heal with time. At least I hope so. I feel bad that this had to affect him so much--I feel awful whenever my coming out process hurts someone else. I feel like it should be my problem, my struggle. But other people get caught in the crossfire sometimes, and it's hard.

All in all, though, I'm glad I told him. I really do feel better.