Feeling Lost

i suck at advice and i dont know ne thing bout coming out cuz im not there yet, but wanted to give u this

 

Oh honey.
Give her time to come around. She's blowing it way out of proportion. She just needs time to get used to the idea.
It probably is good that you'll be getting away for a while. It will give her and you both time to relax and come down from it.
I know it's hard, but try not to let her get to you.
It's no ones fault and you've done nothing wrong, don't let her convince you that you have.

I wish you the best of luck.
Hang in there.

 

I'm sorry to hear about this (*hug*) But, the hardest is done and now there is hope.

The Good News: She loves you no matter what, and she clearly told you. Some people don't even have this from their parents, so at least we've got an opening here. She wants the best for you, even though "the best" is obviously not what she thinks (conversion therapy? NO.)

The Bad News: She's grossly misinformed about us gay people and that makes her sad about you being gay. This may be not easy to change, but whether it takes a month, a year or ten years, is IS possible.

The first thing she needs to understand is that you did not choose to be gay, as none of us did. This is hard, but a few suggestions: ask her, "Why do you think I would ever choose something that allowed people to discriminate me and treat me badly? That would make you sad? That would make my life so much harder? This is not a choice, it's a real part of me and I've needed time to accept it." Show her research that shows we don't choose. I'm sure someone else has more "talking points" for people who don't realize this.

Living around people that tell her being gay is horrible and immoral, she obviously thinks your life will be crap. This is not the case. It will be harder, but hopefully she can realize that in most normal places, gay adults live freely and happily and mostly free of discrimination.

We all know these conversions through prayer or what have you simply do not work, and do way more bad than good. It's quite clear, I don't know how exactly to make her realize. Main talking point: You can NOT change this, nor SHOULD you. It's who you are, you're proud of it, it's NOT a bad thing, etc.

OK, a few things. I know it must be hard to see your own mother cry, and I sympathize. However, you need to realize that you did NOT cause this: the people who, over the years, convinced her that homosexuality is terrible and immoral, did this. Coming out to her was your only choice, and it it a good one for the long term. You have not failed her. She's just scared for you because she thinks your being gay (or "living gay") will bring you and her pain and suffering. The people who told her being gay is bad, THEY'VE failed her.

When you'll talk to her about this again, I think you should be firm, while trying to be in her shoes at all times to see which way is the most effective to convince her. Also, I think PFLAG materials would help — maybe Becky can hook you up with some? And your story reminded me immensely of the movie Prayers for Bobby, in which a mom refuses her son's homosexuality, using classic Bible arguments. It's quite powerful, and if she agrees to watch it, it could be greatly useful. (At least see it yourself if you haven't already.)


Finally, I know how this has been a nerve-wracking and difficult experience. But as I said, the hardest was done and now things *will* improve. There may be ups and downs and challenges, but things will get fixed in time. If you're too drained, take a break from dealing with this, relax, plan your next move and come back stronger. Tell us how the story develops, and remember we're all here to support you (*hug*)

 

Keep this in mind. This is a much better response than some people get.

acorn7 touched on some of the finer points, but basically it comes down to her being misinformed, and she's going to have to learn. It might not be easy, but the fact that she said she loves you is key.

 

(*hug*)

Hey there. I can tell from your post that you're feeling pretty shitty over this. But I can also tell from your post that you know what you did was right, and being true to yourself is the best thing for you to do. Pretending that you're someone else might work in the short run, but take it from someone that has been there, in the long run you and everyone you're close to will pay.

Remember that it took you a long time to come to terms with being gay. You've spent hours in here talking with us, and we all understand because we're sharing a similar life experience. Your mom doesn't have that. She's had another life experience - one that has taught her these misconceptions that she is refering to.

Do you know what you should do for your mom? Continue to be yourself. Be the same great kid that you've always been. Continue to respect her and love her and be supportive and helpful. Continue to do well in school. 'Kick ass' when you get to college (to borrow a 'gargoyle-ism'). Show her that being gay isn't the end of the world. In fact, living an open and honest life is the BEST thing that you can do for yourself.

What you don't want to do is provide her with fuel for her misconceptions. She will associate everything bad with the fact that you've 'chosen' (ya - I don't understand how people think that, but they do) this 'lifestyle'. (Also not sure what they mean by that - because the gender that you love is only one part of your life. We all lead different 'lifestyles'!)

Finally, YOU are not responsible for your mom's happiness. SHE is. YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness. She will get over this and recognize that in the grand scheme of things this isn't that important. Being gay isn't going to ruin your life OR the lives of all the people around you. If it does, that's their problem - not yours. (The fact that I'm gay hasn't changed my sister's life one tiny little bit!)

We're all here for you. You're entitled to feel a little lost. That's OK. You've been through a traumatic / dramatic thing with your mom. Things will get better - and I think you know that. Good luck - and PM me any time you want to chat, ok?

 

First off, none of this is your fault. Being gay isn't a choice and you didn't do anything wrong. You are who you are and no one can change that.

I would strongly advocate for not going to conversion therapy. It has been shown by the American Psychological Association to be unsafe and ineffective.

I agree with Acorn7, "Prayers for Bobby" would be a very good movie for your mother to watch, if you can convince her. It really touches on a number of the things you said you mom was concerned about.

As far as religion goes, I don't know how religious you are but you may want to check out this by the Metropolitan Community Church, a very LGBT friendly organization.

I wish I could offer more advice. If you want to ask me anything feel free to! Whatever you do, do not give up! You have people that care here! (*hug*)

 

I am deeply sorry you feel hurt and lost. That coming out definitly hadn't been an easy one.
Try to keep in mind your mum said she will always love you. That's something great. Of course she doesn't understand, probably because of her education and her religious beliefs. But whatever her brain had been determine to think about gay people, her mother's heart tell her that she loves you no matter what.
I understand that it must be very painful for you to see her mother blaming herself for what you are, but you know there is nobody to blame for that neither her or you.
What you can do to help your mother coming to term with the fact that you are gay is to remain the same great guy. Show her that YOUR lifestyle is the one of an honnest, caring and hard working son and that has nothing to do with your sexuality.
With time, I'm sure your mother will be proud of the son she has.
I wish you all the best, Eleanor

 

i agree with everyone else. i have to tell u though, i want u to stay strong. we've been through scenarios like this b4, remember? eventually, your mother will start looking for her own answers (she seems like the kind of woman who would) and i think it would b wise to help her out with that. answer any ?'s she may have and keep your sister close at hand- i think she will b your main support through all of this. not to mention, she seems most accepting. also, feel free to talk to me anytime on here or facebook.

i wish i was there right now. i would love to set your parents straight (lol) on this. and, of course, give u a big hug!!! <3

 

Bryan-- hang in there. YOU did not do anything to your mom. SHE is entitled to the truth, and so are you. Her love for you will eventually prevail. It may take her time to come around to learn that you are God's creation, and still very beautiful. It may help if you remind her that you love her and always will, no matter what. That said, reality is reality, and hiding reality from her is wrong. What she does with it is up to her. What you do with it is up to you. I'd give you a huge hug if I could. You are beautiful, and so are your feelings for others. Consider that God is just using you as a tool to teach the rest of us what the true meaning of love is. You may keep this in mind, too. Reality is for those not strong enough to face drugs, or something like that.

 

Aww, Bryan... (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
That doesn't sound like it was all that pleasant indeed.

Still, as others have said, you should look at the bright side. She was pretty accepting of you.
She's probably (definitely) shocked by this revelation herself, but that's only natural. A lot of what she had in mind about how your life would look just evaporated into thin air. And it takes some time to adjust to that. You should see this as the start of a period of adjustment for her too. And the first phase of adjusting to a change is usually just hoping the change would go away.

In the meantime you could try to answer any questions she might have. You could tell her that it's not a choice you just suddenly made, and that you have been dealing with this for quite some time.
The others have already linked to materials from PFLAG and the excellent Prayers for Bobby to prove her that what's in the Bible isn't about damning gay people to hell.

And, yeah, you could show her that you didn't change at all. That you just were always gay, even when she didn't know. You won't suddenly start talking with a gay accent, or dance around in pink tights, or bring scores of promiscuous lovers to your room. When the sky doesn't drop, she'll notice it isn't all that bad.

But whatever you do, DO NOT do the gay conversion thing. You're playing with your own mental health if you do so even as a token effort. It's destructiveness has been demonstrated exhaustively already.

You don't need to fix yourself in any way! And you can't actually ruin their lives if you're gay. The whole "my life is ruined" some parents trot out is more a cry of frustration at things not going their way.They will need some time to deal with this new information, but in the end, they'll cope! It is they who will be fixed when they find out you aren't any different from how you always were.

I know this feels awful right now. My own coming out to my mom went a lot better, and I still felt awful about it. But this will pass eventually. Things can and will get better! (*hug*)(*hug*)

 

Oh Bryan. I am glad you came out to your mom.That is a huge step. I know that you struggled with this for a long time. You took a big step so be proud of yourself. You do not need to try to change. It will NOT work and you will become more miserable. You may want to print out 'Our Daughters, Our Sons' from PFLAG for your mom to read. Also maybe print some information from the American Physiological Association that explains that homosexuality is not a choice or a disease. Give her some time. She has her own 'coming out' process to go through. (*hug*)

 

Bryan, let go of the guilt. This is not your fault. Its not your parents fault. It just is. You were born to be gay. The important thing is you love yourself so that others will see that being gay is a very small part of who you are. Getting your mom some information is very important to her learning and understanding gay people. You can start by going to Amazon or Barnes and Noble and get her the book "Now that you Know". Then download and print Our Daughters and Sons and Faith in our Families from PFLAG. http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=594&srcid=416 Then go to the American Psychological Society and print this information on mental health and the dangers of conversion therapy. http://www.apahelpcenter.org/articles/article.php?id=31

If your mom uses the internet I would be happy to talk with her by e-mail, if she will.

 

1. People don't chose to live this way, it just happens.
2. You didn't fail her.
3. She STILL loves you.
4. Conversion therapy is fake.
5. Don't blame yourself.
6. She will (in a very long time) learn to cope with it.
7. As stated above, don't feel guilty.
8. You have to be happy and comfortable with who you are, otherwise it will make things much more difficult.

I hope you feel better. Hang in there!!!

 

Bryan, don't ever feel unworthy, it's a waste of time. Believe it or not it is a good thing that you came out to your mom, and that she told you she will always love you. As others have said this will just take some time (ok maybe a lot, lol). Giving her some space is probably a good thing for now, but please don't let this become the big pink elephant in the corner that no one talks about. It's just not healthy. You might benefit from trying to talk to her again about this in a few days to see how she is coming along. Also might let her know that there are other people in your family that know your out, if I remember right you came out to your sister, and see how she reacts. In the mean time however just know that we are here for you (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) and you know you can pm anytime.

 

I don't know if this helps you or not but one of my favorite quotes is by Eleanor Roosevelt:

"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built."

Do not ever let anyone make you feel unworthy. You live for you and you alone. You did what you felt was right.

 

I'm glad it helped!

(*hug*)

 

Be sure to remind her that you love her, no matter what. Be sure to remind yourself that God didn't make anyone unworthy of His love. That includes you. Yesterday's darkness will pass. Look for a rainbow, and sunshine will follow!