I'm doing it again, having a shitty day, getting really tired and writing. But something's on my mind, and this has worked so far, writing stuff down and posting it. I trust you guys to give me good advice like you've done before. I'm a liar. I guess to a certain extent a lot of people at EC have at some point probably believed this about themselves, it's part of the closet routine I guess. But in the last few months, coming out and opening up to my 2 best buds back home, my little cousin, my doctor and my shrink, I've been completely honest about everything, tough as it was to do having been so god-damn repressed for so long, except for one thing which I've been covering up without even considering it first. My mom knows I'm gay. Back in 2005, when I was 18 and the person who got my mom pregnant twice still liked to acknowledge his kids, my Dad flew me and my younger brother (14 then) out to Bangkok to meet his mid-life crisis, my new step mom, and see his new life out in Thailand. The trip itself is fairly irrelevant, but what happened when I got back home is. Few details which I think are important to the context here: 1) Me and my brother were never really close back then. We got along alright, but we're like polar opposites and kept ourselves to ourselves for the most part, 2) He's a klepto, always stealing stuff from me, my mom and her boyfriend. So after flying back into London, spending a few hours there followed by a 3 hour train ride home, my mom picks us up and brings us home, when WW3 breaks out. See while we were away, my mom and her boyfriend got my brother a new bed cus his old one was like falling apart. And in going through his room they found a shit load of our stuff that he'd taken, about £70, clothes, a bunch of my DVDs and CDs which were all piled up in our front room, and my mom goes off on one about it. I'm just kinda sat there, watching, trying to figure out why we were both made to sit through this, when something in the pile catches my eye - one of my gay porno mags. I nearly died right then and there. As my mom starts going through the things she's found, I realised something - while we were away, my bro and I were having a disagreement about something, and it was pretty petty whatever it was, and so I said to him 'well at least I'm not a thief', to which he replied 'well at least I'm not gay'. I never thought anything of it at the time, cus it was just him mouthing off, there was no way he could know that for real. So I was resolved, if he said he stole it from me, I'd deny it and just say he was covering up for himself. And then my mom starts screaming about how she's really sorry that things had been hard moneywise but she tried, and she said that she'd spent 3 months killing herself with overtime to save up enough to by us both new beds. And right then and there, my world collapsed. All my 'gay things', a couple of pornos and stuff I'd printed from the internet, everything was hidden underneath my mattress. I was rumbled. I don't remember much else about that night. I remember I barely said a word, or even looked at anyone. I couldn't eat, I couldn't process what had happened. And the thing that was worst was that while we were passing through London, I parked my brother in a McDonalds for 20 minutes, and I went to one of the Prowler stores (a gay adult store chain in the UK), for the sole reason that I could. I guess it was the first time I'd let myself admit (even though it was just by default of me being there) that I was gay. I bought 2 DVDs and a mag with the last of my holiday money, but spent 5 minutes talking to the guy at the till. It was quiet, and he was just being friendly I guess, asking if I knew the clubs in the area etc. And I spent the next few hours on the train on top of the world. It was like by going there I'd actually admitted properly to myself I was gay, and had a real conversation with someone. I was thinking the whole way down that the next day I was gonna meet up with my friend and come out to him, and after that, I'd probably talk to my mom. And all that was torn away from me. I don't know, maybe that's just an overdramatic interpretation, but I remember feeling so betrayed my her, but mostly feeling like this fundamental thing, telling someone I was gay on MY terms, was stolen away from me, and my response to this was to completely shut down and isolate myself, threw myself into work and cut away from everyone. I eventually lost touch with that friend I'd intended to tell, and the relationship with my mom changed. In the four years since I she's raised the subject 3 times, and every time I've changed the topic or walked away from it. Now it's like there's this thing that we're constantly not talking about, and until I started (or I guess re-started) coming to terms with this a few months ago, it was too hard to deal with. Me and my mom just get on better when we're apart, forced to make the effort and catching up sporadically, so moving away for uni has been good for us, but it's also made it easier to ignore the elephant in the room. I wish I knew why I felt the need to lie and tell the few who've asked that no, I haven't told my mother (which is true, technically, but the point it they're asking if my mom knows, and I'm essentially telling them she doesn't). I think the reason this has been on my mind today is because I've been thinking a lot about the way I act, body language and my speech and whether I come across to others as gay. And it occured to me the other day - which I posted on the What Are You Thinking thread - that everyone probably suspects I'm gay, or at the very least will be unsurprised when they find out. And yet despite this, and despite my trully believing that not a single one of them would have a problem with it or me (with the exception of one uncle who already dislikes me), I can't imagine ever telling them. Ever. And I feel so ungrateful, cus although this was a really bad situation, moreso because of a very destructive reaction on my part, I see peoples' threads on EC, and I see people talk about having constant problems after coming out, or being disowned, and they'd probably kill to have the sort of reaction I got. Cus ultimately she didn't seem to have a problem with me being gay. So why are things the way they are? Why can't I talk to her about this, or come out to the rest of my family?
mate ill talk to you in pm but on here ill go as far as saying everyone has worrys and trouble. ill try to help you get through it lol
The situation you describe would have been REALLY uncomfortable for anyone. Coming home from a holiday to find that your biggest 'secret' had been found out while you were gone. And it's being thrown in your face. I think most people would have shut down. You're just not ready to tell them. But don't say never. Never is a very long time. You joined here in March. It's still just June. So don't sweat it. When you're comfortable enough with all of this to come out, you will. And I suspect that will be before the end of time.
Hi there! Sorry that this happened to you. (*hug*) To address some of your later points in your post, remember that coming out is never about the others and what they might know or suspect but rather it is about you and doing what you feel the most comfortable with. That does not make you a liar. Yes, it can become quite overwhelming because you have two forces going against each other, one that wants to come out and has seen what it can be like being out of the closet, and the other still pulling you back and saying 'not so fast.' The latter one is often tied to your instincts and what you feel ready for. Also, remember that with every coming out you are trying to let go of something your have kept inside of you. Every time you try to come out and come out, you let go of one further piece of that. Every time you come out or try to come out you conquer your fears of how will others react, how will my friends or family react? What's more, every time you start thinking about coming out you start trying to let go of your inner homophobia as well. Coming out to to yourself, two of your friends, counselor, cousin and doctor are already huge. You are making progress in being yourself and opening up. That's a huge accomplishment. Now you have already said something important: That said, your 'past' relationship with your mum might have caused you (at some level) to evaluate how close you feel to her. Maybe there is a part of you that says, maybe mom doesn't have to know at this point, though yet you do want to tell her. In moving forward as it were, maybe start asking yourself a few questions: 1) Am I ready to take the next step? 2) Am I ready to tell mom or should I try coming out to someone else first? 3) Why is it that I want to tell mom? What do I want to accomplish with that? Do I want to be closer to my mom? Do I want her to see the real me? As you ask yourself these questions, try to pay attention to what your inner feelings are telling you. From what you have said, it it clear that you love your mom and that you fear what happens after I tell her? But at the same time, there are indications that your mum might be fine with it. I wouldn't worry too much about how you act, your speech or body language, because these are not that good of indicators as to ones sexual orientation. Just be yourself at all times. Sometimes, we have to take a break in between coming outs. We need to adjust to the new reality that we are out. Not being able to come out further at this point, could very well be an indication that you are still getting used to the new you. But as you are getting used to it, you will start feeling differently about coming out further. Go with whatever you are comfortable with and makes you feel good. I hope this helps!
It sounds like you don't have a close relationship with your mother to begin with so to share such an intimate part of your self with her seems "unnatural" for lack of a better word. However, by forcing yourself to come clean with her and tell her the truth it may just bring you closer together. Think about it. Maybe you'll feel ready soon.
There is a big difference between your mom discovering a bunch of gay porn stuff under your mattress and you saying "I'm gay." As far as I'm concerned, until you've come out, you aren't out to her. Just because she found evidence doesn't magically make it OK for you to be open with her. One of my good friends, who I'd known for years was gay, kept denying it, and finally, he moved into a new place with his boyfriend, where it was really obvious they were a couple, and I just said "Dude, I'm not a dumbass. I know you guys are a couple, and that you're gay, and you know I'm cool with it, so let's just get the elephant out of the room" He was angry for about 30 minutes and then everything was much, much better than it had been in months. Perhaps just taking the bull by the horns and saying "Look, I know you found all my gay stuff and so you must know I'm gay, and I'm not super comfortable talking about it, but I figured we should at least get it in the open." Or if you can't say it, maybe write a note.
