Okay, so I'm pretty sure this isn't a "just me" condition, and that other people may go through this is as well. What happens: My friends, being the friends they are, have grown to accept who I am. They don't joke about it as much as I'd feared, and it's rarely the topic of conversation at our get-togethers. But at times, it manages to come up in conversation, and at the oddest of places! It might be in the mall, or in the school halls, or perhaps a resturant. Generally, coincidence likes to taunt me and make sure it happens in a large, social place. I begin to feel self concious about the fact that other people may be listening in on our conversation and pick up the hints about my sexuality. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, and I end up trying to laugh my way out of the situation, but the dark feeling of being "found out" in public still nags deep inside. I guess I'm trying to say that I'm comfortable with my friends knowing, but when other people whom I don't know, or have the slightest idea of their existance become aware, I become uneasy. I was kinda hoping (even though it sounds bad) that some people might go through this as well, and could give me some tips on "coping" with the feeling.
Oh yes, it definitely happened to me after I first came out. I told my best friend and then the next day we were at the mall and she said something like "Well, at least you can date Lance Bass!" really loud (this was -right- after he came out) and the people behind us started giggling. Now, I just don't care all that much. I figure I'll probably never see them again, or if I do they won't recognize me anyway. And if it's someone I know, I would deal with it I guess. It just takes time and a high level of self-comfort to let it wash off you. But yeah, it's common.
i'm trying to get over that too. i'm so used to trying to keep it secret, now that i dont have to its freaky sometimes. dont worry about other people too much though, 1. they probably arent paying attention, people dont actually care about us (us not being gay people, just us as in you or i) as much as we think cause they are too busy worrying about what we (and the rest of the world) thinks of them to notice. 2. when will you ever see those strangers again? and if you do see them again and they happen to recognize you, what are they going to do, come up to you and laugh at you for being gay?
xD Good point, but it'll still take time to get used to. In the mean time, I just try to change the topic...
ya me too lol, i just wish i didnt. i wanna get used to it so when they make jokes i can make comebacks too
Ha, I do that a lot, but mostly with my brother. My brother has weird ways of talking about stuff. He just... throws things in there, loudly, for no apparent reason. He's good at non sequiturs. He'll say something like, "Have you heard of Pink? The singer?" And I'll say, "Yeah, I think so." "She's popular with lesbians!" "... Okay?" "I just wondered if you'd heard of her." "..." But it's something I'm pretty hushed about in public still, I must admit. Part of the way I'm trying to get myself over it is wearing little rainbow accessories and just... acting like I always do, and trying to make myself not go, "ohhh people can see the bracelet, they'll know I'm queer, maybe I shouldn't have worn it today... is she glaring at me?!" I'm trying to make myself own it and not feel embarrassed, and I'm making progress! It's a lot more pleasant to walk around with my head up like I have everything to be proud of. =)
im sick of people saying im gay when out people do look at me...tehy look anyway but still.... its so annoying anotherthign i get said at me if i jokingly say oh yea i so woul dor sumamt like that sort of joke about beeing gay i get " now wea ll know the truth" constantly thrown at me thats annoying and in public quite attention drawing
This is one thing that has never bother me to tell you the truth. My friends all ways introduce me " Hey this is Luke he's gay" which is a real ice breaker. Like Astaroth said the likely hood your going to see them again is slim and there not going to remember, just go with the flow.
I'm kinda the same. I think it's just a reprogramming sorta thing, like paco said you spend so much time keeping something a secret, you end up doing things almost unconsciously to maintain and control the secret, and then someone else who you've no control over brings up the subject, it's gonna make you uncomfortable. I think these guys are right, the liklihood of you seeing these guys again are slim. Also, the liklihood that people hear what's been said is generally quite slim. Course those to little nuggets of info go flying out the window at the time, but it's worth mentioning anywho
Oh, yeah. One of the many places I work, is like a sewing circle. Once one person knows everyone knows. People would start talking about it in front of large groups. That seems to take away my power to control who knows I"m gay who doesn't, and that sounds the same for you. So, you're definatly not alone. I would tell your friends that you don't find this funny, and you can easily bring up things that make them uncomfortable, but you don't. Oh and by the way KIRBY RULES!!!!!
Some people have compared the early stages of being out to being naked. When you first tell people, you really are making yourself "naked" in a way... putting a part of yourself out there that no one ever sees, and feeling extremely vulnerable about it. So likewise, when you're in that process of becoming OK with it, there's a part of you that still feels like people are seeing you "naked" when someone mentions that you're gay or otherwise does something to let people around you know that you are. Over time, you realize there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed about with people knowing, and at that point, you don't feel vulnerable about it and it isn't an issue any more (btw, some people get to the same place with being naked, but that's a different subject for a different thread...) So... the best thing you can do in the short term is just gently remind your friends that you're still becoming comfortable with this identity and to be a little cautious. Perhaps the "naked" analogy could be helpful in helping people understand... or then again, it could perhaps be misunderstood and cause more confusion, so it's your call on that.
i haven't attampted coming out yet though i do have the same fear that you do , i always get uneasy when people start questioning my sexuality, so what i've been doing for litterally my whole life(since i was 10) is just playing the low key and doing as much as i can to make it harder for them to guess i'm gay, though i highly suggest not doing this (i've been slowly giving up the act too) because eventually by pretending to be someone your not you give up things that you likean mad yo what you truly are, i actually gave up band (once and only ever be once) because i wanted to "fit in more" basically just do what you like and if people guess, let them guess, don't let thier judgements make your life!best of luck on being your self i'll be off being me too
I can ttly relate, Im not really comfortable talking to my friends about it at all, regardless of social setting, but, when they have to, they thought that someone around may hear gives my the absolute boak! it is not good and like yourself for some reason it is usually when someone is around that they want to discuss than when were in a more private enviroment
Don't worry, you'll progress from half-closeted gay to rainbow-bracelet-wearing-in-public gay in no time (well, if you live in a place where you don't face physical harm by doing this). I know I did.
