Hi Everyone. Its been a while since I posted on these forums because I continually digress from my sexuality. Back story, I confronted my family about it and they say I am just falling prey to the ideas people put into my head and because of the people I hang around. To stop any more anxiety I gave into their label and just kept living. Recently, I found myself having more acceptance and really all in all, scared. I got brave though. I joined a forum for locales and I met a guy online, Alex. He seemed nice and wanted friendship. Since I don't have any gay friends I decided why not, give it a try. On my way to meet him, a HUGE traffic jam that made me 40 minutes late. I thought to myself, its a sign! I met him and we got to talking. It turns out, he is friends with some of the friends I am friends with or with acquaintances in which they know my close friends. I am not ready to come out to my friends yet. I came out to one friend almost a year ago but haven't gotten any success with the family. I am worried because in this new era of my life, the truth can come out with out warning or control and it scares me. Let me get more to the conversation. We met at his workplace in which he bought me a tea and blueberry bar. We talked about school, work, social life that sort of thing. I see him more as a friend than anything because in a nutshell he sad he was looking for more than just a friend, a friend with benefits that can fit into his schedule. I kinda felt...ok? He also included the other day he met ANOTHER guy in which he felt attracted to but the guy only wanted to be friends with him. Why would you tell someone you are meeting that you continually meet people and just want friendship with sex? I felt inadequate as if I was ugly or fat or something in which he would not find me attractive. We continue to talk and as the conversation closed we said goodbye and I told him if he wanted to go to a movie or something to give me a call. He said ok and we parted. I am trying to sort out all these feelings and I don't know where to begin. Any ideas? Thank you ahead for your replies!
Hey there! First, I'm so sorry your first experience ended up this way, but to reassure you... I'm sure you're in no way inadequate. You just ran into one of the many self-absorbed people who aren't really interested in relationships -- and possibly not even really in friendships. Sadly, one of the things I've found personally, and also heard echoed by many others, is that the majority of people you find on local "match" sites (and particularly on places like Craigslist and the majority of gay social network sites) are primarily looking for hookups. Unfortunately, they often don't say this, and in many cases will imply something completely different. You're wise to go slowly and find friends first. I'd suggest checking out some activities where you might find other people like yourself... if you're near a major town, there is often a gay newsmonthly or a publication by the local gay-lesbian center, and there are usually activities in there -- everything from book clubs to dinner clubs to hikes, outings, game nights, and other things -- where you can meet people with similar interests to yourself. By starting there, you're putting less pressure on yourself; you become friends first and then see if anything else develops from there. As far as the concerns about the "truth coming out"... I and just about every other gay person out there has been through that. I described having your secret come out unexpectedly as being a little like being publicly naked, because you're completely exposed for who you are, and there's little you can do about it... but it does get a lot easier and more comfortable over time. If you do want to continue to try to meet people online, take a look at Facebook or Myspace... but focus on people who have similar interests or hobbies to yours, and perhaps shy away from people who focus their profile on sex or partying or clubbing, or who have revealing photos, as those are the sorts that will probably be more focused on hookups and tend to have more shallow friendships. It's always a challenge at first, but you'll find it to be very rewarding as you get to the place where you can just be who you are.
You are right. Everything you said is right, this is a challenge and I must face it head on! Thanks for your advice
Remeber when you said the traffic jam was a sign, well maybe the fact he knows your friends is also a sign. As for feeling Inadequate...well, everyone feels that way at times. So, you're not alone there. I wouldn't let it bother you that this guy only wants friends with sex, it seems to me that he is unwilling to conmitte, or just looking for a quick escape. If that is not what you want then don't let that make you feel down on yourself.
