So lately I've felt the need to end the pretend. Here is a bit of my story. I hope I've spared you of unneeded details but given enough background so you can get a taste of the stew I've made. Pushing me to end the pretend was my wife's discovery of some notes I made while watching the YouTube vid of the student coming out during campus chapel. Someone has posted the vid here at EC. Its the one that begins with the HORRIBLE camera work. I think the YouTube id is youtube.com/watch?v=cU0-z9Wtz5g. So like I said, I jotted down some of the key points this kid makes in his remarks, stuff like [paraphrasing] "its who i am," "denying it deprives me of my life", etc. So last weekend while I was out of town my wife found my notes. Monday morning, as she was headed out to work, she asks me what the notes are and if they represent my feelings. She caught me off guard, and there really was not time to develop the conversation. I told her that those weren't my feelings and that the notes were just something I saw on the net. It amazed me how automatically I came up with the denial response. She said "Oh, OK" and off to work she went. So, the denial (read "lie") ate at me all week. I resolved that I would come out to her next opportunity. Well, I had a perfect chance Friday evening. Our two resident kids were gone for the evening so we had time to be by ourselves. We went to dinner. The whole time I'm telling myself "I can do this." Finally, I suck in my gut and mention "the note." She sez "What Note?" I say to myself, Ouch, this is going to be painful. So I explain the note about Gay sexuality left by the computer. Then she recalls. I tell her I did not like my answer to her and that I wanted to talk about it. She sez she thot no more of it since it happened. Now I realize I'm going to have to do ALL the work to come out to her. I hadn't scripted all that material, lol. Mind you, we've been married for over 20 years. She knows I messed around with one other guy in college, but I told her that was just curiosity. Always hoped that was true. So I ask her if she's ever heard of the Kinsey study and scale. My thot was to make sure she understands there are degrees of gayness and then let her know where I think I fit on the scale (like maybe a 2 or so?). Well, WE NEVER GET THERE! Urrrgh.. She changes the subject more than once like she's ready to move on. Maybe I'm the world's most mercurial communicator and she was justified. Bottom line, I'M NOT OUT TO HER YET. Dinner was finished and it was time to go. After dinner she left town to visit family while its my turn to stay home. I've got to bring it up again when I get the chance. Maybe I'll show her a summary of the Kinsey Scale and then point to where I think I am on it. I really don't know where this will lead. I don't know where I want it to lead. I don't have a burning desire to end our marriage. I'm not sure how strong my fantasy of being with a guy will be once the denial and repression has gone away. That said, I am happy, thank you, that I found the courage to make my sexuality the topic of our conversation with the intent of sharing my bisexuality. ... ... ... more to follow ... ... ...
You need to get Joe Kort's amazing book "10 smart things gay men can do to find real love." He devotes several chapters to heterosexually married gay men, and goes into more detail on this topic than any other book I've ever read. Essentially, he makes the case that women who marry gay men *do* actually know, deep down, that their husbands are gay, and shows how, in spite of what might seem obvious, the issue that arises of someone, such as you, who has been married 20 years is NOT solely the fault of the gay man, that the wife contributes to the denial as well. (It also is one of the best books I've ever read in the level of depth and detail on just about every other aspect of relationships for gay men.) It seems very clear that your wife was actively denying your attempts to come out by changing the subject. I doubt that she "never gave the notes another thought" and I also doubt that she doesn't know anything about the Kinsey scale. Remember too the 5 stages of grief (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.) It makes perfect sense that changing the subject and avoiding the topic would be part of the denial response. You just have to gently push the issue to the point where she can no longer deny it. Perhaps writing a thoughtful note that explains your feelings -- about how you've lived with this for a very long time, but didn't want to hurt her, but it just isn't working, and you need to talk with her -- could break past the denial and get the two of you talking. And likely you will also want to both go to a therapist and discuss what this means for the both of you. What you're doing is a very difficult thing to do, and I admire you for taking the bull by the horns and just doing it. Please update us as more of the process unfolds for you.
I'd strongly encourage you to find a therapist that can help you through this - both of you. This is a very complex and emotionally charged topic for the two of you to tackle without the help of a professional. It would be for anyone. I doubt very much that the desire to be with a man will diminish after you've come out to her. So be careful with that.
