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Inquiring minds want to know...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by AlexanderL, Aug 8, 2009.

  1. AlexanderL

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    North-East Arkansas
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Sorry, just always wanted to say that :grin:

    Moving along, It's really late here and I can't sleep because I'm thinking about coming out and it's bugging me. I figured out that I was gay a little over a year ago, and finally accepted it towards the middle of this summer. Since then my parents have found out by reading my journal, and have basically forbidden me from telling anyone that I'm gay. I've already told a few of my closest friends and one day my dad said, "You told [insert female bff's name here]?! Don't be surprised if she tells people. I'm only concerned for your safety. Blablabla." I understand that in the homophobic region we're in it wouldn't be a surprise for physical abuse to take place if I were to come out.

    On another note, I am very well liked in my school. I make good grades, and I'm one of the top of my class. I'm naturally talented at just about everything I do, and I play the drum set very well. I'm looked at as the trustworthy, truthful, and a morally/religiously strong person. One of my biggest fears is that when I come out people won't look at me the same just because I'm gay. On the flip-side, maybe people will set their standards for homosexuals a little higher, or just tolerate them at least. I know this whole paragraph sounds conceited, but it's not I swear (I would never say those things about me to anyone but you guys).

    I've been following my dad's advise for a couple of months now and it's starting to get to me. Usually I don't think about being gay just because I hate being in the closet, so I usually tune those thoughts out, but now I'm thinking about coming out to everyone. There are some really tough pros/cons/questions/fears though, so I'll try to think of as many important one's as I can.

    Pros
    ~No more pressure and depression from anticipation
    ~Could make new (supportive) friends and/or boyfriend
    ~All sorts of new and exiting stuff

    Cons
    ~Verbal abuse due to homophobic area
    ~Threats and/or physical abuse
    ~Severe loss of friends and family support

    Questions
    ~Will this really help me at all, or just hurt me unnecessarily?
    ~Will people think less of me?
    ~Could I loose academic opportunities?
    ~Will I be beaten up? (there's another gay kid at school who's, to my knowledge, never gotten beaten up)

    Fears
    ~Being hated in general
    ~Being beaten up (it's a big concern, and I'm not strong at all. I'm 6' and only 125lbs :frowning2:
    ~Loosing my good reputation at school

    I have a tendency to actually care about what most people think of me, and sometimes I don't. Most of the time my thoughts and perspective depend on my mood (sometimes I revert back into a homophobic state).
    Anyways, I would like to hear you're advise/suggestions for me. I apologize if my sentences are a little choppy, I'm very sleepy. I also won't read any responses tonight, but tomorrow I'll check your responses and reply and all that good stuff. ~yawn~ good night! ^_________^
     
  2. biisme

    Full Member

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    First off, I think you should be the one to make this decision. Not your parents, or your family, or even your friends. You.

    Now, how have the friends that you've told so far reacted?
     
  3. Greggers

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    If your having depression from being in the closet, then you know things are bad. Depression is serious buissness. Not just "extreme sadness". Also, your old friendships could be transformed. Ive had friends who used to be so horrible and homophobic become very supportive when they found out im gay. I would definitly add "change people i know for the better" to the list, cause thats going to happen and in the strangest of ways, trust me.

    Dont worry too much about the verbal and physical abuse. It not like your going to staple a rainbow to your face when you come out to friends/family. The people you tell are going to be people who you care about. If these people physically abuse you that would not really make sense. You might get a few who do verbally abuse you, yes, but as a gay man you need to learn to thicken your skin because this is a problem you will have your whole life. Oh, and anyone who abandons you after didnt deserve to be in your life in the first place. Why make friends with someone who hates you for....well, being you?

    In the end, coming out is always (always) going to be a good thing for you. People may think less of you, but on the other hand many people will respect you for having the guts to come out. I cant think of a reason why you would lose academic oppertunities. Again, you dont have to disclose the fact your gay to everyone you meet. People generally will only beat you up if you give them a reason to. If you go up to a macho straight guy and ask him for a kiss, you might get beat up. If you dont go looking for trouble, trouble will stay away.

    People dont need to know your gay to hate you. Sometimes the fact you hate a certain haircut or clothing brand on is enough for someone to hate you. Just be yourself and anyone who hates you at that point you dont have to give a rats ass about. Again, you will only get beat up if you give people a reason to beat you up. If your reputation is built on lies, you will lose it eventually. If your reputation is built from hard work and the truth, it wont die just from coming out.
     
  4. AlexanderL

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    North-East Arkansas
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you guys for replying!

    @biisme: So far they've all been okay with it (I've only told girls though, so idk if that means anything). Only one (who later told me that she was bi) has been supportive.

    @Greggers: First, I would change the list from 'depression' to 'extreme sadness' and add 'change people for the better' if I knew how XD. Second, I totally agree with you about the verbal/physical abuse, it's just such a drastic change it's almost overwhelming to me still. Also, I've pretty much told all the friends who I think will remotely take it well, so should I try to come out to some of my more homophobic friends, or just get it over with and tell everyone. Third, the only reason I thought of loosing acedemic opportunities is because I heard that gay people have lost jobs over the matter, so I just figured that the same applied to college. Fourth, you're right again. I guess I still believe everything that Mom and Dad say :S.

    When I started this topic and mentioned that I wanted to come out, I meant to tell everyone. I don't even know why I want to tell everyone instead of just telling all of my friends first. Maybe I just want to get it over with or whatever, but now that I think about it, it probably would be best if I came out to more friends first. What do you think?

    @everyone: Thank you guys for your support, it really means a lot to me. I'm also sorry for making my posts so long :S
     
  5. Holmes

    Full Member

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    I'd echo what biisme wrote, it should be you who makes the decision, not your parents. I don't just mean that in a cheesy "It's your own life" way, though that's important, but don't forget that they probably have no notion of what it's like. Do they have any gay friends? Mine do, which is a help, my brother's godfather is in a long-term relationship.

    The first people I told were a girl who I knew to be a lesbian, another girl, a gay boy, then my sister. Others after that really only as the opportunity arose, and more often girls, such as telling them on a night out that I was interested in a particular boy. Unfortunately, I've had no luck :-(

    Watch this video if you're stuck for any questions your parents might have: www.youtube.com/watch?v=SutThIFi24w.

    On friends, in high school, I think you have to be prepared for some tension. I didn't come out till recently, and I'm finished college, so I can't give you advice from personal experience, but I know what friends are like. They ones you know you'd like to keep after high school should be fine, even if there's a little awkwardness at first. And it will serve as a way of knowing who you're best friends really are.

    You should find out if there are any gay youth groups near where you live. Number 1, you might meet someone, which is what we all really want, and that would put you being gay in concrete terms for others. Also, they could give you advice and support if anything did go wrong.

    Anyway, I don't know if I've been any help, but I hope all goes well for you.