Alright. So lets preface this with a some background. The last 2 days have been rather horrible for me. Nothing particular happened. Just overwhelmed by life and everything. So I just sorta broke down, especially yesterday, but I got cheered up at the end of the night. Another thing was that my sister was going to get talked to tonight by my mom and dad about her bad behavior and bad things like drinking and boyfriend-stuff because she is like 14 years old. Yeah. Anyway, so I wake up today. I'm pretty great. I woke up early and drove to my dad's house to fix my window on my car so I can park it in a bad neighborhood where I work without the fear of it being fucked up. So we fix it and we go to a diner and get food. Every thing's all good. It's a beautiful day out, the only problem with that being that I was going to be inside for the whole day. But oh well. So at work, things are just totally fine. I felt totally fine and happy even compared to yesterday. Bad days just happen I guess. Now, this is all really just bullshit that I'm writing but it's all relevant in how crazy today turned out to be. Well not crazy, just... intense. I get out of work at 4pm today and so I'm driving home. I get THIS close to being in this rather big accident involving 3 cars. Luckily with my amazing driving skills, I drove around the wreck that happened right before my eyes. Thank God for that. It was such a horribly stupid accident too, completely this one guy's fault. It was crazy. I'll make a diagram or animation at a later date when I have the time. So I get home and see that my Dad is already there, so I'm like, well shit. I walk in and tell them both about the accident I was so close to getting into. They're like. Okay. Then they confront me about some rather stupid things that I happened to be a part of regarding my sister. I admit to them and accept fault. Or whatever. Prior to this talk, my mother had gotten onto my sister's myspace which had been accidentally left open or something, and she ended up seeing my myspace which happened to have the fact that I was Bisexual on it. So she found out about that, and basically my parents told me she found out ( I already came out to my dad earlier this summer which I detailed in a rather lengthy post a few weeks ago) so we talked about that for awhile. Now, I previously had not come out to her yet because I was afraid to. My thought was that it was always just an irrational fear, but I guess it had some basis to it because she thought I was just confused. So I did my best in attempting to explain what Bisexuality really was to her. I hope she realizes everything after all that I told her. I fear she still doesn't. My dad seems to understand a bit more though. Either way, I'm happier than ever because I'm like pretty much completely out of the closet, just extended family like cousins and aunts and shit don't know, and they (most at least) could find out just by looking at my Facebook. Which brings me to a point I will detail later on at the end, when it is the question portion of this video exercise. After all this we started talking about my plan to move to California and everything and my mom actually seemed alright with it, being that my dad is going to help me to plan everything and stuff. Although not financially, but I think thats good, it's something I need, to learn how to do things on my own financially at least. He told me 3 months would be realistic if I worked my ass off, but 6 months or a year would be most realistic. I was planning on 6 months anyway. We'll see how this goes after I talk with him later this week about planning everything and getting a better job and stuff. It will all be A-OK Alright, This is now the question part of this video exercise. 1. Should I recommend my parents to PFLAG or something similar? I happen to be in the dead center between the 2 PFLAG chapters on Long Island, the closer one being farther from my dad, but the Queens one is closer to my dad and probably more practical for them to go to. What does PFLAG do exactly? All I know really is that it's about Parents and stuff. It would be important to me for my parents to understand my sexuality. 2. Putting my orientation on facebook and myspace seemed to concern my mother. She said it could detriment my future, which I retorted with how I want to change how that would work. about Discrimination and such. She said I should take it off because it would be in my best interest, instead of "broadcasting" it. What are your thoughts on this? I find it no different than listing my favourite films or bands. It's just something thats important to me. So do you have any objections to having your orientation being displayed on a facebook/myspace? If so, why? Thank you all for your support. You're all really amazing and I love my friends on here so much <3 The Question Section of this tape has ended. You may press the stop button now. For Brevity's Sake: I am now out to my mom! I almost died in a car accident I didn't get into! THE FIRST DAY OF THE NEXT CHAPTER OF MY LIFE IS NOW OVER! BRING IT ON SECOND DAY!
congrats im so happy to hear your safe for one thing(*hug*) dont know what people here would do without you also grats on being out to your mom. PFLAG is to really help parents who are having trouble dealing with a LGBT family members or friend and helps them get involved in gay rights activism as well. As for your mom saying she doesn't want you to broadcast about your sexuality ill put some points down. 1) straight people broadcast their sexuality and there is nothing wrong with yours so why shouldn't you? 2) it is probably just that she is a little uncomfortable with the idea atm 3) i wouldn't do it because that is who you are and she needs to be comfortable with that, and if you are willing to be open about it she should be proud and supportive 4) how is being open about who you are cause issues with your future? The point is for that kind of discrimination to end by being open about it. Life as LGBT is not easy and we face prejudice but just facing it is what helps build tolerance in society. just remember it takes parents time to get used to learning something like that (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) hope that helps
Also just as a note, I'm Italian, and as i was just explaining in chat, I have overprotective Italian parents. Although not hardcore overprotective Italian parents, they're still rather overprotective. Just a lil side note to think about
I think you already answered the should i take down my orientation question yourself. "It's just something thats important to me." If you feel that way about it, dont let anyone tell you otherwise. If you take off all public access to your facebook through the security tab im sure no future employers will be able to tell that way (many of them check facebooks, and soon all of them will). I think you very well know being out may limit the jobs you get though. Personally, i would take that as a godsend. I would definitely not want to work for a homophobic boss/company. It would be even worse if i worked some place for a long amount of time THEN found out they were homophobic after, because i would have to quit right away out of principle. Money means nothing to me compared to integrity and happiness. I think you are quite the same in thinking when it comes to this from what i remember. As for the coming out to your mother, your father understanding you better, moving forward with California plans, and not dieing, congrats on everything. You deserve it all.
AACK! mambo italiano, only earlier years! good job on avoiding being the 4th car in the accident 1 more brownie point for you (1). nah, not really... but still, um... involving pflag, try to get your dad into it and for your mom, she just needs even more time. As you've stated, your sexuality is like having a favorite band or hobby listed in those profiles. Wouldn't it be preposterious to not be hired for a job just because your favorite band was The Beatles?
its ok being out on facebook is like not being out at all what you mom probablymeasn is that there is still alot of discrimination towards the lgbt and that she thinks either its none of the worlds bussniess or that i could reach the hands of some one who will go out of their way to hurt you
Joey (*hug*) congrats on being out to your mom and having all these discussions with them. Isn't it awesome to have it all out in the open and talked about. As for Pflag, maybe you could start by giving her/them some of the materials that Becky's always talking about and linking. It'll give them some time to understand and get educated and just get used to the idea. I think that'll be good when/if you tell them about your bf in LA (assuming you haven't done that - maybe you have?). Maybe later you can discuss the Pflag meetings if they really need additional support/want to talk things out with other parents. But really, I can tell the love is there and it really sounds like your folks are going to be ok. For facebook, I agree with Austin and Greg, nothing to add there. Well done good sir!!!
Congrats on coming out Joey! I would give your parents the booklet 'Our Daughters, Our Sons' by PFLAG. Let them read it and digest everything. They have tom 'come out' themselves. Maybe in the future you can suggest going to a meeting with them.
Oh Lord Joey, that sounds like quite an eventful day. It's actually quite funny how parents have such a different responce that what you originally suspect. Now I don't know to much about PFLAG, however I do understand your mother's concern about having it out like that, but I say don't worry. As a society in this day in age, listing orientation is, like you said, equal to movies, music, etc. Things will be alright. And congrads!
Just a little thing, in case you haven't realized this before. I'm one of those people that likes to know what people are thinking, how they think, and why they think it. So I like to get their opinions on matters. I know very well what my own answer is, and what action I will most likely take, but I just like to learn how other people feel about similar situations or the one's that I'm involved in also Just as a future Reference And I agree with you Greg, about the whole homophobic employer thing. My dad says that I'm an Ideologist, which is honestly probably true. Oh well, I know how I want to do things in my life And Jeff, they most certainly do not know about me being in any sort of relationship with Bryan in LA. That is definitely something I want to wait to tell later when I'm actually in California for. Funny though xD When my mom thought I had my bisexuality posted on Facebook or whatever because I wanted to meet people, she said this to me: "The Internet is no place to meet people" or something along those lines, which is rather hilarious to me, being that she met her current boyfriend (who is really nice and awesome) who's she's been going out with for the past... 8 or 9 or 10 months now on a dating website. She specifically wanted to keep these details from her own mother too, about how they met and everything; she also wanted to keep that he rides a motorcycle from my grandmother too It's just one of those parental paradoxical hypo-criticisms though, and I know that, which is why my plan is and always has been to tell them AFTER I'm at a safe distance
Happy Mother's Day! But at the same time you can't blame her. You know how parents are with the internet.
Wow, indeed an eventful day! Good job on having superhuman reflexes and surviving (I remember something like that happening to me about two years ago. It seemed to stretch out for minutes at the time, though it can't have been more than a second or two in real time. The human mind on adrenalin is a funny thing...) And congrats on being out to your mother! It's probably natural that she's confused now. Bisexuality seems to be inherently harder to grasp as a concept than homosexuality is. She'll come around to the idea. And yay for making LA plans! Having a thought-out plan does wonders for any project! Now to my answers part: 1. I wouldn't know. Nothing like PFLAG exists here (or not that I know of. I'm totally sure I would never get my mom to go to something like it anyway, so I never really looked for it). It all depends on whether or not your parents like to go to gatherings, and whether or not you feel they really need to talk to people in a similar situation. From what you tell it doesn't seem like they necessarily need it. Probably you could just mention that there is something like PFLAG, and let them decide on what to do. 2. I think you should definitely not censor your facebook. It seems to be a standard reaction of parents to think that if you're out to them, you're out enough, and you can safely keep your sexuality as a dirty secret. One that you can keep until society has been transformed (apparently on its own) and GLBTs become accepted. And any smallest mention of it is seen as harassing people with your sexuality. But I think you should not give in to that! It's because of people being out and proud that we'll eventually get accepted more! Also, it's not as if you're moving to Iran! You're moving from NY to LA, which are hardly the most unaccepting places in the US. So it probably can't do any harm at all. (and, yeah, I'm a big hypocrite here. My facebook is blatantly empty of any reference of sexuality. And while reading your post, I'm suddenly extremely bothered about that, but it would take me a week or so to muster the courage to change that. Not to mention needing to come out to a few of the people on there in person first...)
You should definitely tell your parents about PFLAG. Our tri-fold mission is to support, educate, and advocate. Materials can be downloaded here: http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=594&srcid=416
1. Absolutely, especially seeing as your mom is having some trouble accepting that this is the real you. Becky would be the #1 person to talk to about this if you have any questions. It's a great resource to make available to them even if they don't feel they need it right now. True acceptance is a process for even the most open-minded people, so who knows, they may find something great through it right now or later down the road. 2. I would say this is your call. It also depends on what you are using these networking sites for. If you are using facebook to keep up with old friends and generally as a social tool, then totally go for it. The only time you would maybe think twice is if you were using it as a business tool, which I doubt you are. Just make sure the important people know before you post it and you're home free. Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Congrats, Joey. I would offer some additional fodder to consider re: facebook and other publishings of your sexuality and any other personal information. First, let me say I appreciate how important it is to be open about our sexuality, especially at this time when we decide not to hide. The prominence that we place on being open about that is likely to fade as time passes and as our lives move on to other matters. I think you are very perceptive to see your mother's concern that you may be looking for internet hookups. That said, though, you may want to keep in mind that whatever is on your facebook and other networking sites can be seen by the world. This includes not only what YOU have put on facebook but also the responses and comments others have left. Now place yourself in the situation of a potential employer. Lets say you want to be a teacher. Although it is completely wrong, there may well be school districts, to pick one possible example, that would hesitate to hire someone not completely straight. The facebook content (whether added by you or a buddy) could be cause for concern, and in fact, would help filter out the undesired applicants. The same dynamic may be true for positions where employers care about the business' reputation as that is shaped by the reputation of its employees. We all believe in advocacy and ending the subtle and not so subtle prejudice of homophobia. We just need to be aware of some of the potential unintended consequences our actions may take. Once content is published on the net it may be impossible to control where it goes. And we really can't control what others do with the information we publish or the content they may publish about us. It may be you intend to open your own business and so you will be able to disregard almost all of what others may find out about you. That's certainly a great position to be in. Others among us may need to heed the rule that right or wrong, people who find out about our sexuality get to determine how they will react to it. I guess the extreme position might be to put on your resume "I'm Gay - If that rubs you the wrong way, you are a bigot, but should hire me anyway. Here's the cite to EFLAG (Employers and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) to help heal your bigotry."
Thank you all for your input and support (&&&) You guys are seriously awesome A few things, I don't really worry too much about my future career, being that I guess the things I want to do are on the "liberal" side of things (which I find ironic in my case xD). I don't really want to become a teacher, (unless its like a music teacher, or maybe a History teacher, but that's not really what I want to do career wise, but I wouldn't mind it ). Also, My 12th grade Latin teacher (for half a year because he had to leave because of health complications) is gay, he has it on his facebook, and I went to a Catholic High School. I'm pretty sure they knew. I sorta have broadened my career dreams from only Filmmaking to also include something in Music, Photojournalism, but also with a concentration on Humanitarian Aid (I know that's not really like a career, unless it is, but I want to do it anyhow). I figured I could even do all of them if I really want to (which will probably end up happening. So I think I'm pretty safe there And yeah, I use Facebook for pure networking purposes of old friends/new friends, any friends. Definitely not hookups. If she thought that's what I use the internet for, then I'm sorta sad that she'd even think that way about me, as I'm pretty serious about sex and relationships in general, and I thought she knew that... I also understand it can be seen by the world, and anything I don't want to be seen by the world I hide, or delete I think my whole Facebook profile may be Private, but I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm happy its done
Hi Joey, mate you sound like you have entirely too much on your plate atm. But I'm sure you'll get through it in excelent fashion. On the Facebook issue, no one is acctually going to find out unless they search out your 'interested in' status, that at least, is my experience. I also think that PFLAG is a good idea, just maybe don't force it on her, maybe just leave the pamphlet lying around for her to find. Here's a thought, be grateful that you have something as wonderful as PFLAG near where you are, as far as I know, the only thing similar to it in England is way up in the north, far too far to travel for meetings. And I don't really know of anything else similar to it in Europe. In this instance, America is making considerable progress compared to the rest of the world. :dry: you never really know what you have until its not there.
