It's official.

I'm out to my family. It didn't happen in the ideal way, but it's out there now. I have, like, 3 people to tell before I'm totally out. It makes me happy and anxious! I'm still a little mixed up emotionally, but whatever. I'll get over it.

I never imagined I'd be this far when I joined EC a year and a half ago. It's weird now to think that there was a time in my life when I resolved never to tell anyone and to live a life of awkward straight marriage or chastity. Yikes.

So thanks for all the support since June '08, everyone. Now I can try to pay it forward.

 

Thanks for all the feedback, guys! I'm still not sure how I feel. Good, I guess, but defintely exposed. Something to get used to for sure.

Haha, fair enough. Well I started telling a lot of my friends since I started college six or seven weeks ago. All of my close friends know now and, as previously stated, so does my family.

I hadn't planned on telling my family yet, but it got out. On Thursday I "donated" my facebook status to the HRC so it was something like "...supports LGBTQ rights and pledges to have meaningful conversations," and it turned out to be pretty prophetic. I thought it was so neutral! I felt it could be evidence used by someone building a case, but I didn't think it would just randomly spawn the idea of my gayness in anyone I knew.

On Friday, I went on a roadtrip and didn't get online. As it turns out, my aunt (who I am friends with on the 'book) had sent me an email asking me if this was me coming out. Wildly inappropriate, I feel. But when I didn't reply my aunt called my mom to see if I was offended. MY AUNT CALLED MY MOM TO TALK ABOUT ME COMING OUT. Wildly inappropriate for sure!

So my mom texted me and told me to call when I was alone. I knew that either someone had died or she knew I was gay. Was it the letter I left in my stuff when I moved for college? Was it some sort of intuition having to do with my telling all my friends? I tried to consider all of the possibilities. Finally, a couple of (worry-filled) hours later, I was finally able to call her. She asked about my status and what it meant. I told her that I was supporting gay rights and she asked me what it meant. I started feeling really frantic and I asked her if she really wanted to have this conversation over the phone. She started crying and told me she needed to hear me say it. So I said, "I'm gay." And she was sobbing, but she made sure to tell me that it wasn't because she was disappointed or anything. She used the old "mothers always know" and told me she'd known since I was little. She felt really sad that I didn't feel comfortable enough telling her earlier, and I tried to make her understand that it really wasn't about her. We talked for almost an hour and she told me to be safe and happy and never worry about sharing things with her. Then we exchanged I love you's and hung up.

I had no idea how to feel. Suddenly, my family knew. I had to send an email to my cousin, with whom I am very close, to make sure that she heard it from me first. It was the weirdest feeling. I didn't (and still don't) like it, and I feel really vulnerable having it come up that way. It was so out of my hands... I never felt anything like that when I was telling people of my own accord. I hate the idea of "outting" someone. It's why I have no respect for people like Perez Hilton. It just sucks. Even if it's better in the long run, it feels really shitty right now. I had to tell everybody in my family all at once, which was not my plan or even my own decision.

This all happened at about 8:00pm last night, so this morning was full of phone calls, texts, and emails from my unabashedly supportive family. I'm glad they know, but it is definitely going to take some getting used to. My private life isn't as private as it was, and that is so strange to me.

I responded to my aunt's email saying that I felt what she did was really inappropriate, and explained the stress involved in having that conversation with my mom when I really wasn't ready to. I'm glad I sent that email. I think it really did help me feel better. It really upset her, but I was really really mad. I'm usually very laid back and calm so that anger was uncomfortable and I needed to rid myself of it. I think it's all good now... I'm not sure though.

But overall, I'm feeling alright. I can't believe I'm almost done!!! That is probably the most fantastic idea I've ever considered. It is so crazy.

And that, dear friends, is my story.

 

Thanks again, everyone!

And re: my aunt - we've already made up. I was mad for like, two hours before I sent the email. I've since talked it out with her, we are back on loving terms, and all is right in my world. I still feel like she should have called me before my mom, but whatever. It's done.