My story, and I think I'm going to stick to it, lol.

[FONT=&quot]Dear Mom,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am writing you a letter because I don’t know how to tell you this in person. I know by now that you have suspected what I’m about to say as some of your recent comments have been. I’ve recently just been able to accept it myself. I’ve wanted to say something the past few weeks now, but have been so terrified to do so. I have something VERY important on my chest that is about to make me explode and I want to get it out right instead of getting all mad and upset, so I am writing it down. I would like to tell you that I am Gay.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I ask that neither you nor dad take this situation irrationally as this has not been an easy journey because I have tried for so long not to be gay. I wanted more than anything to be able and be the perfect son, and make you all proud of me. Throughout my whole life, I’ve been trying to live up to expectations and achieve the great American boy’s dream, a great career, a loving family (wife and kids), and a big house with a nice car. I have tried being the funny one, happy one, smart one, successful one, and in doing this I have lied to myself and that lie has begun festering inside me more over the last 8 months to the point I had to get it out. I’m sorry I will not be able to give you a daughter-in-law, or children, but I will be glad to give you another son-in-law in the future God willing as well as this country allows. Being gay, doesn’t mean I fall for every guy that I see. I love the character in a person as well as their humor. I’m not gay to just have sex. In fact, I just want a relationship with love, compassion, understanding, and all of that good stuff. Why not a girl you might ask? Well. I can’t love a girl emotionally. I’ve tried, and failed. I just cannot connect with them that way. It’s very complicated trying to explain it, but I feel it is what it is. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Over the last few months I have been speaking with some support groups online, other websites that have open minds, and such. I’ve grown so much closer to you since I had turned 18 that I don’t want it to go away now. Imagine yourself growing further apart from yourself with each day and each new strange sense of reality that is slowly crushed by your desire to not be who you are. Dramatic? Yes. I was rock bottom, and I was so filled with depression and self-loathing that I was contemplating the unthinkable, and it was pretty much “own up to it, or don’t go on living.” This is when I told Jennifer, and I was very pleased with the response and how supportive she has been. She has literally helped me. I have only told a few other people, and have had mostly good reactions. A few others I have told are Tristin Todd, Mitchell, Chris Day, and some others. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I have been talking to Mitchell about this for some time and yes I know he’s gay and can be misleading at times, however, this is a time he wasn’t. He made perfect sense. Once you finish this letter, have time to think things over, and pray, feel free and talk to Mitch about this situation. I know without a shadow of a doubt he will help you understand his point of view as well as mine. I can’t say that I will be the best person to talk about this with me as it is very difficult for me to talk about it because of how I was raised. You and dad raised me well, and I love you guys for that. Just know neither of you have done anything to make me this way. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I find myself day in and day out happy one day, sad the next, accepting one day, hating myself the next. I’m sick of feeling this way. I’m tired of people telling me it’s wrong, that I’m just in a phase, or that I will be deemed to hell for it. I do no more wrong than the other person next to me does. I’ve been so depressed before that I laid in bed crying pretending it was something else so no one would figure out what truly was bothering me. I just want to be me from now on. I do not like wearing dresses, I do not like wearing make-up, I do not like playing dress-up, I do not like what most girl’s like. I am Nathaniel, a male, and like my own things; I hate stereotypes; I am me.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I have tried fixing this a lot of times now, and understand that most Christian’s believe it’s wrong and forbidden. However, I do not. Love is love. Being gay doesn’t mean I am attracted physically to just the male parts. I am attracted because of the love, generous, and faithfulness I see in them. Yes, I think girls are pretty, hot, and beautiful. However, I cannot love them emotionally. I’ve tried, and it doesn’t work.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I know deep down you are both probably very upset right now and also very hurt, as am I. I didn’t want to have to deal with dad thinking he did something wrong, or that you did. This is something that has been plaguing my mind for a very, very long time now and I do not want to be depressed about it any longer. There have been many times in the last few years that I have wondered what life was worth living for because of how I am. I know now that I cannot change this as I have tried and no longer want to “try” per say.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I would love for you to know nothing will change in the way I am as a person. I am still, and will ALWAYS be your loving, caring, compassionate, and computer geek boy. This doesn’t change me, and yes I know life will be hard, but it will be much easier than what I’ve been dealing with now. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I know this is not a phase and is who I am meant to be. I would have told you sooner but you would have been just as confused as I was. I wouldn’t have been able to answer any questions you would have because I wouldn’t know myself. At least now you will be able to see I have accepted it and I am happy this way. It may go against expectations people have of me such as getting married and having children, but those are nothing but what other people think I should do with my life. There is no guarantee I would have done them even if I wasn’t gay.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I have been talking with Mitchell a lot lately on what the family would think and I really am at the point that I’m not going to care. I am very terrified of being thrown out on the street like some of these other parent’s do with their gay children. I don’t believe you would ever do that, but it’s a very big fear that I have. I have not told you and other people for this reason, but the older I get the more these start being mentioned and eventually you would have found out anyway. It’s just better sooner rather than later. I’m sorry for saying all this by a letter but it’s the only way to be sure that I actually will tell you. Know that I love you, and that this does not change who I am. I hope that you can be happy and proud for me. I’m still the same person I always was.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I would like to let you know that I do very much believe in God still. That has not changed, and never will. All a Christian is, is “a person professing belief in Jesus as the Christ or in the religion based on the teachings of Jesus.” I will always believe this. I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins. There are some things I take to my own understanding in the bible as we are supposed to do. I believe most of everything that the Pentecostal religion believes in. I’m not too fond of the speaking in tongues, but I tolerate that and believe that people can do it. I believe God loves me just as I am; Gay. Some people may think I sound psycho when I say this, but I’ve prayed, prayed, and prayed, about my situation and was never told it was wrong. I’ve talked to God before, he’s responded. He never once responded to me that who I am is wrong. There is no reason why I should be ashamed.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]God has given us free will, and such. I believe if he hadn’t we would be living a very strict life and not be able to have what we have now. I believe we have to follow the teachings of the bible to the best of our abilities, and back when the bible was written; it was for Jesus’ teachings. I believe all of his teachings and intend to continue to believe them, however I am so sick and tired of people degrading others because they either smoke, drink, swear, gay, bisexual, transgender, or lesbian. We don’t have the right to judge one another. That is Jesus’ job to do, not ours. However, when something like this comes up every single Christian person judges one another for what they do. I’m not saying everyone has to accept this right now and then, but I feel being gay is being treated just like being black used to be.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]As I come to a closing to this letter, I will tell you right now I have been in no way influenced about this situation form anyone. Nobody has decided this for me. I know that this will be hard to take in, but I just don’t want any nonsense to come of this and be blames on a particular person, or party. I am who I am, and I would like to be able and be myself.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Feel free and to share this letter with dad and grandma, however, I have a pretty good feeling grandma already knows. I’m not sure I can face dad as it would just make him feel worse. I’m sorry to have to write this in a letter, but I wanted to make sure I get it all out correctly. I hope I can have your support as I do your love.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Sincerely,[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My Name Here[/FONT]
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Thanks guys. She is getting it tonight before any of the people that know tell her before i get to give his to her. Wish me luck, keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I'm going to need them.

 

Gaeton - What what the grammer error? Something with deemed. lol...

 

ah there... I was trying to remember.. Thanks lots!

 

Okay. So I gave the letter to her last night. (I laid ot on her laptop). She read it, then went to bed. I thought maybe she just was like. "UGH, another letter? What is it this time." so I thought she just put the letter to the side and went to bed. Come to find out she read the letter; said she needed some time and what not.

1:00pm came around today and I was getting nervous as mom usually is home by this time on Tuesdays. I texted her and asked where she was and she told me she was going to town to do a few things. She came home and I'm guessing dad was here and either dad read the letter or mom told him.

I haven't seen mom all day long still, but dad came downstairs and said, "I still love you, but I don't know how I'm going to deal with this." After that he left the room, got up to the top of the stairs, and I heard him turn around and come back down. He entered the room again and either said, "What did I do wrong" or "Did I do something wrong?". I'm not sure which one it was, but I shook my head no.

3:40pm came around and my brother got home from school and asked where mom was going. I lied and said I didn't know. She was going to one of my cousins home to talk with her and a few friends about the situation. Anyhow, dad came back down because my brother kept asking where mom went, so dad told me I needed to tell my brother where and why she was going where she was going. So I did. He said, "Oh!" and left the room.

I am now waiting for my grandmother to get home and see if they tell her. I'm sure they will which is fine with me and all. Ever since this afternoon it's been quite awkward and such. I feel better that I got it out, but I still feel terrible at the same time. I guess all that I can do is wait it out and see what happens next.

 

My brother is younger than I am, but seems to be okay at this point. He hung out with me tonight so either it's not sunk in yet or he doesn't care.

As for support. Right now, I have my grandmother to help me. I was shocked when she came in my room and said anything.

She has not. Well, not face to face anyhow. She just told me by text that she wasn't ready to talk about it right now and that I do not publish it all over facebook, LOL.

Right. I'm fine with the reactions for now. Honestly, I figured my dad would take this harder than my mother. Perhaps he is and just isn't showing it, but I don't know. I'll be sure and look at the PFLAG website and downlaod some things.

 

Here's what my grandmother did...


She came in my room about an hour or two ago and said, "You're my first Grandson. I don't care what anyone else thinks. If you need anything, I am here for you and will talk to you. I LOVE you and do not forget that."

 

Indeed. I think my mom is taking it so hard b/c of the fact I'm her first child...