Coming out.....Again

Hi everyone and thanks for welcoming to EC . Ive been on the site about a week now and i felt like telling my story . I guess ive always known im gay , ive never had any sexual feelings for girls . I tried to be what some call "normal" and had a few girlfriends , i loved one yeah but i was never content . When i was with one girl i had a friend that i hung out with a lot , we got a long so well we were always togther . After a party a mutual friend told me he wanted to sleep with me , now at this point i had fooled around with guys but neither of us ever spoke about it again . I didnt know what to do so i didnt say anything . He used to stay at my place a lot so one night things kinda just happened , and the next day we accually spoke about it . He was the first guy i ever kissed and i knew then thats what i wanted . This went on for a while but i was full of guilt and i had to tell my girlfriend , she took it quite well . One night the three of us decided to sleep together , and it was good at first but i didnt want either of them to touch each other . That night i freaked out and tried to kill myself . I stayed in hospital a few days and when i got out i told my mum i was bisexual . She was very accepting but wanted me to make a choice , i guess she knew i wasnt really bisexual at all im gay . I asked her eventually to tell the rest of the family . My dad didnt say much except he loves me anyway . My two older sisters told me they always figured i was , and my younger sister found it hard to deal with . After that i found a G and L group and started going , by the way i was still with my girlfriend . It was good to meet other gay people but i ended up hanging out with guys very much in "the scene" , we went out clubbing all the time and i got into drugs . I started going out with a guy and felt like i will end up hurting my girlfriend , if i wasnt already . so i ended it , she was heartbroken and i supose so was i , she was my last chance to have that "normal" life . After that things spiraled into a world of sex and drugs , and i never fully accepted who i am . I got out of the drugs and didnt see any of my friends anymore , and i met a really great guy who had his life together . We were together about 3 years , but the whole time i wanted more i was constantly attracted to other guys , not in a healthy way either . I was even in love with his brother , he and i had become really close friends , we did everything together . I started becoming afraid to leave the house and i depended on my boyfriend more and more . I think i didnt want anyone to know im gay . So eventualy he couldnt handle it and he broke up with me , i was in a real mess , i tried to kill myself again and this time they put me on medication . I thought i was pshycotic and could hear voices and stuff , but i know now it was from my drug abuse . I was recently taken off one of my medications because i didnt need it anymore after years of therapy . And now all those all feelings have come back i never dealt with like being afraid to be gay . Thats when i came to this site and started talking about how i feel . Its been a great help i feel better about myself now than i think i ever did in my life . and i can truly say i am happy
So now ive decided its time to come out...Again.

 

hey thanks guys , and its true no matter how much support i can get from anyone i will never be happy untill i accept myself . a guy at the pub asked me today if i was gay, i didnt say yes but i didnt say no, so i think i'm making some progress. he said that was ok who cares if i am.

 

Thanks i do too . and i finally beleive that it is true . Ive always been happy on the outside but never inside , i am now and its great