My First Crush

Okay... so, I was leaving our campus GSA meeting, when one of the girls in asked me a question about coming out to a chirstian family, so we started talking, and sharing stories, and while I am gay, she is Bi. So we were just basically having fun talk about our views, and our expriences in coming out, when this really cute guy walks by. He just had this completely and totally endearing smile, and to be honest he was really cute with his designer messenger bag, his spiked hair, and his form fitting leather jacket. He asked us where the computer lab was, and so we pointed him to the three nearby ones. so he thanked us and went by. The first thing out of our mouths were both "well, the competition is on. He walked by a few more times, and he was smiling politely at both of us, and whenever he was out of earshot we would talk about him, give each other highfives, and joke about being locked in battle over who gets to ask him out.

But that honestly was the first time that I ever had a crush on another guy. We were cracking jokes, and she pointed out that his messenger bag was louis vutton, and I was like "I win, KACHING!"

Not that I am going to be runningto ask him out anytime soon, seeing as part of our conversation was about stereotyping, so I am not going to judge the fact that he was wearing designer clothing and was well kept to mean anything other than he cares about his apperence. But that was the first time I ever had that little leap in my stomach. He just gave this air of being a geniuinely nice and polite person... and it didnt hurt that he was rather good looking.

I almost called my mom about it, as dorky as that sounds. But I dont know. I have been in the closet and known I was attracted to guys since i hit puberty, and never allowed myself to truly be attracted to anyone. Even when I came out to my parents, I still was in he closet to everyone else, and I was terrified of showing it. now, I am meeting weekly socially with people of almost all stripes *we do not have any transgendered members of our GSA*, and I am feeling even more comfortble, because I now have a wider group of friends who I can relate to, and talk, and even just have fun with.

Just that first little flutter; that first feeling of attraction as someone who has come out (even if only in part) the closet. It, to be honest, felt great.

 

the GSA has been wonderful. It is not like we use it as a dating service, because we just use it to have a place to socalise, but it has helped me to feel more comfortble with myself, and has been wonderful in that I feel like closeted about who I am.

But I just... it was completely new to me to feel that little leap as if I had missed a step going down the stairs. It felt good. Kind of makes me want to put myself out there a bit more, and just see what happens.

I am trying to prevent msyelf from concocting all these little fantasies. my friend was holding the GSA's pride flag, and we were going to walk it back to one of our staff advisors office since neither stayed for the whole meeting due to grading term papers and all. I am trying to stop myself from wondering if he saw the flag and made the connection, and that was why he walked by two more times; as if he wanted to make sure it was a gay pride flag, but I know that is likely just my mind running wild after that initial burst of crush related adrinealine.

 

I found it hard even to put it to words. This was my best attempt at it, and even I dont feel it truly captures how I felt.

But it was good practice. I am writing a series, and I am starting to finally write about my main characters first true forays into romance, and now I am getting things to draw from in my own life. The first, somewhat jarring feelings of attraction (though not in a bad way of course, just, surpising I guess.) That warm feeling that almost seems like it has to be a cliche, but isnt.