1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Out (or outed?) to another

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by awesomeap88, Nov 26, 2009.

  1. awesomeap88

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2008
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Land Down Under
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    When I made my first thread in Coming Out Stories the first thing I said was that I never imagined I would ever be writing a thread about coming out. I didn't even think about the possibility of another thread! Now this could get rather long because there is a need for some background information.

    First of all, let's rewind to about 14 months ago. I wrote a blog post about a guy that I had gone to school with who I found out had come out (let's call him Dennis; not his real name). Over the next few months, I tried to get back in contact with Dennis, but it was rather unsuccessful. I sent him an email to which I never got a reply. I tried chatting to him on MSN, but what few conversations we had ended almost as quickly as they had begun (he also stopped going online altogether). In the end, I came to the conclusion that he didn't want anything to do with me so I just gave up. It hurt because he was pretty much my best friend at high school. However, almost everyone that I went to high school with has ditched me so I was used to that sort of thing, which made it easier to get over. In the mean time, Dennis got engaged to his boyfriend and ended up moving to Melbourne with him earlier this year.

    A few months ago, I posted my first thread in this section. Without going into too much detail, what happened was that I went to the gay bar in town and ran into a girl I had gone to school with (let's call her Jan; not her real name). I ended up coming out to Jan that night – after all, it's a bit hard to lie about one's sexuality when you are on your second visit to the only gay bar in town (well, it was back then; it isn't any more) and you are there on your own. She said to me that she wouldn't tell anyone about my sexuality without my permission, and since then has pretty much become my fag hag.

    Now, we get to last Friday night. I was on Facebook when out of nowhere Dennis started to chat to me. This was a major surprise to me. We have hardly spoken in 3 years and I was practically ignored by him last year when I tried! (although completely unrelated, I had noticed that he hadn't been on FB all that much in recent weeks) Anyway, we start off with the typical small-talk, like “how are you” and “what have you been up to”. Then, Dennis said this:

    “Jan told me that you went to (name of gay bar)?”

    I thought there was just no point in lying about going there, so I answered “yes”. The way Dennis said it implied to me that he only knew about the one visit so I also said that I had actually been there a few times. After that, we got into a conversation about the gay bar before he asked me if I had managed to get “any action” from going there. Again, I thought there was no point in lying again so I told him I had once. After all, I haven't been able to tell anyone who knows me outside of the gay bar about it (I haven't even told Jan). He then asked, “What was his name?” That was a real epiphany moment for me. Even though I hadn't actually said to Dennis “I'm gay”, nor had he asked me if I was, and despite it being more than reasonable to assume that it was a guy being a gay bar (although there is no shortage of straight people who go there), he now knew that I wasn't straight and here I was talking with him about the guy I slept with!

    Dennis asked me if my family knew. I told him no, but I don't know if it was in relation to being gay, going to the gay bar or sleeping with another guy, although my family doesn't know about any of those things anyway. He asked me why and I told him I didn't think I was ready to tell them and he seemed to understand. Our conversation died off soon after that.

    So, what do I make of all this? I had decided a while ago that I wasn't going to come out to Dennis because I saw no point in going out of my way to come out to someone who didn't want anything to do with me. Now that I am more or less out to him (remembering that I never actually said I was gay), I am somewhat glad that I have. However, I don't like the way it came about as I would have preferred to come out on my own terms. I'm not happy with Jan. I don't know exactly what she told Dennis, whether it was only about going to the gay bar or if she also told him I was gay, but I do feel she betrayed my trust to some extent by telling him. Even if she only mentioned that I had gone to the bar, it wouldn't take much to look at the facts and work it out. Although I can't think of anyone else she may have told, I have no idea if she has told anyone else. I will certainly be talking to Jan about it the next time I see her.


    (PS, I had chosen another name for "Jan", but I changed it after writing one particular sentence. Hopefully some of the other Australian ECers will get the reference, even though I didn't use the classic line properly :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:)
     
  2. pteen

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 1, 2009
    Messages:
    169
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    AZ/SC
    Hey that was long:lol:
    But, maybe he doesn't go online to often because he's out with his husband(I'm assuming they're married). And Jan if everdecide youre tired of being lonely I;m pretty sure she can help you find the right man for you. Or those dating sites your choice. :wink:
     
  3. zzzero

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2009
    Messages:
    779
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    To be honest, I wouldnt get that mad at Jan telling him... and I really dont see how it was a big deal that he knew. He IS another gay guy, he wont care that you're gay. Jan may have said something behind your back about it, but it sortof makes life easier for you in the end... because now you dont HAVE to come out to him, he knows and it's no big deal. I'v recently told my friends they could tell the rest of our friends that i'm gay and they havent done it yet. I wish they would though
     
  4. summersforecast

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2008
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Johnson City
    I'm sure if "Jan" is a good friend of yours she won't tell anyone who wouldn't be ok with it. I know you'd prefer to come out on your own terms, but coming out is usually sloppy (take it from someone who knows :/). Just be glad you aren't coming out in highschool, people are alot more mature when they realize that life isn't a joke, aka in college or when they get their first job lol.
     
  5. calstad

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2009
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    the cold north
    I wouldnt like it if someone went and told other peolple especially when they said they wouldnt. It doesnt mean I wouldnt forgive them but I would feel betrayed. I certainly wouldnt trust them with other secrets. I personally found it rewarding to tell the person I wanted to know myself it was a bonding experience, I told her not to tell ANYone because I want to personally tell everyone myself.
     
  6. bouncingsouls

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2009
    Messages:
    121
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    I hate it when you try to talk to someone online and they ignore you :frowning2: I would actually prefer it if they just said they didnt want to talk to me.