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My Gayversary II: If I Could Change it All

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by silentsound, Dec 13, 2009.

  1. silentsound

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    December 13, 2007 was probably the scariest, most mixed up day of my life. See, two years ago today, I began to realize that I'm gay. Today I'm spending time thinking about that day and the past two years of my life that I've spent figuring out how to take the journey it has sent me on and make it into a coherent, happy life. I wrote of the first year of that journey here: http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=18343As I look back at this second year I'm hit with the question that I think most LGBT people are forced to ask themselves time and time again: If I could change my sexuality, would I?

    I think I have to start with laying out some things that seem pretty obvious, but are very important to understand:

    1. Being gay is not easy. In fact, it's really hard. I never realized how much society defines a person by their sexuality until I was hiding mine. [Hetero]Sex[uality] is everywhere. It's on TV, in the media, in the hallways, at the lunch table, even in the classroom. When you're left out of something that can be so omnipotent? It's hard to feel like you belong.

    2. Being in the closet sucks. Especially in highschool. I've already established the huge role of sexuality in society. Not only are you left out of that, but you have to constantly lie. You end up monitoring everything you say, everywhere you look, sometimes even what you're thinking to conform to the person you're never going to be. Lying all the time is tiring, and it's frustrating to feel like you can't be honest with the people around you and to know that no matter how close you are they don't know the real you.

    I could explain more negatives, but that pretty much covers the basics. It's for this that I am always inclined to say that if I could change my sexuality, I would. I can look back and say that if I were straight I probably never would have experienced the same kind of depression, probably would have enjoyed myself more in social situations, probably never would have cut myself. I've spent a lot of time thinking about how much better my life would be if I weren't gay. I've denied it, I've wished and prayed it away, I've tried to distance myself from it with the synthetic substitute of a razor blade. Yet when the fog clears, I'm still Hannah. I'm still gay.

    Over time, I've slowly come to accept who I am and gotten to the point where I even kind of like it. Sure, I have bad days, but that's ok. It started by accepting that I can't change it, and slowly I begin to see that that's ok. If I were straight, my life wouldn't be perfect. I can sit and wonder about how things would be better, but in all honesty, I would just find another reason to lash out at myself. I would zero in on another culprit for why I feel like no one understands sometimes.

    As I look back over these past two years, I see that they have been tough at times. Yet I also see that they have made me who I am. This journey has made me evermore sensitive to the needs of others. It has taught me that everyone has a story you know nothing about. It's made me stronger. It's forced me to find deeper ways of expressing myself and helped me discover my passions. It forced me define who I am and where I want to go away from the influence of others. It helped me realize that individuality is to be celebrated both in myself and those around me.

    But the lessons that discovering my sexuality has taught me have ultimately taught me the greatest lesson I needed to learn: being gay doesn't matter. So no, I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change it now when I'm ok with it, or in the past when I was warring with myself over it. Because the memories of my own darkest hours remind me to appreciate every minute and even may someday allow me to help someone else through theirs. This is who I am. And you know what? I wouldn't change that for the world.
     
  2. RaeofLite

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    :eusa_clap (!) (*hug*)

    Well said.

    You should have a Coming Out Party. :slight_smile: I think I'll plan for mine in April 2010.
     
  3. shorty

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    Yep, totally agreed. Great post. Probably sums it up how most of us feel.

    Happy Gayversary!(*hug*)
     
  4. Mister Gaga

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    I gotta admit this hit a string deep there in my heart, very well written and meaningful.

    You deserve an award for writing this, it's so true :icon_bigg
     
  5. adam88

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    Congrats. :slight_smile: Living in the closet is indeed not very nice or fun. Be glad you got that over with young, even though the world expects you to be hetero. As I've said before, the only thing I regret about coming out is taking so long to do it.
     
  6. destinationzero

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    That was beautiful. You are beautiful, Hannah. I agree with everything you said. :slight_smile:
     
  7. acorn7

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    My second coming out anniversary (November 28, 2007) just recently passed :slight_smile: At that time, if I could change my sexuality, I probably would have. Today, I realize that if I did, I wouldn't be myself anymore. At all.
     
  8. mmilam75

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    In February, it's going to be my one year anniversary. Last February, if I could have changed my sexual orientation, I totally would have. Now, like so many others, I recognize that it is a vital part of what makes me who I am...the OP reflects so much of my own thinking about my own life as well - beautifully written!

    Congratulations :slight_smile:
     
  9. bkwrm175

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    That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing with us.