The Last Closet Door Is About To Be Opened This Week

So, for those of you who know me, you know that the last person in my close family I have to come out to is my sister. I finally decided it was time to open that door once and for all, so I sent her a text about having lunch on Thursday....I'm going to take her out to lunch and have the coming out talk face to face.

This is a good thing but, holy crap, nerves just started hitting like nobody's business, I am in it....a good thing, but boy am I in it...

 

Awwww, you guys are great (&&&)

What makes this a bit unique is that, since my sister and I didn't grow up in the most healthy emotional environment, she and I several years ago started investing in each other, which is a good thing - but she also has an uber-religious streak that makes me look like Ozzy Osbourne by comparison :lol: So, while I think it will be a good thing in the long run because it will force her to examine some of her own stereotypes, I am preparing myself for what might not be the world's most accepting reaction. Not going to dissuade myself from coming out to her, but it is making the hair on the back of my neck stand up on end.

I'll let you all know how it goes!

 

Yeah...ultimately, I think she'll come around but it may be an awkward few months. Ultimately, though, this will be a good thing, and that's what I'm counting on. I'm also preparing myself for the questions.

Question: "Could it be a phase?"

Answer: "A 34 year old phase? I think not"

Question: "Are you sure?"

Answer: "I've experimented, and the results of the research are quite conclusive"

In all seriousness, it's just long since past time. I was talking to my Mom tonight and she said how brave it was, and I corrected her, told her if I was brave, I would have done this ten years ago...this is just not delaying the inevitable anymore.

 

So, there was one more door to be opened this week...I figured that I would write an old friend of mine who lives in California (and, as such, a face to face coming out is not an option). This kind of helped me organize my thoughts for tomorrow and I sent it a little bit ago, thought I would post this here for everyone to read and tell me what you think.

Hey,

Sorry it took me so long to get to this – my weeks seem to get busier than I ever intend and that annoys me, LOL. Let me apologize again for not being able to get together with you while you were in town for Christmas – although Mom’s trips to the hospital aren’t a surprise anymore, they do make seeing old friends more difficult than that should be. At any rate, there’s something that I’ve been dealing with for quite some time and I’ve finally managed to come to terms with it, and it’s something I’ve decided to finally be honest about.

I realized after we chatted the last time that, leading up to Christmas and New Year’s, that I was very cryptic with you...I didn't meant to be at all, and it was just a sign to me that it is time to come clean with one of my oldest and dearest friends. As you know, I always battled with what I call the round peg in the square hold problem at Southwestern and in the years since. No matter where I found myself in life, I always felt like I was struggling to fit in. While I saw my friends getting married and starting families, I convinced myself that, if I just chased after that long enough and hard enough, that eventually this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach would go away, and I would finally fit in. And yet, that didn’t happen. A few close friends like you were always there for me, but for the most part, I still felt like I was on the outside looking in, able to see the party but never invited to join in. The reason for that, and the point I’ve come to, is finally coming to terms with the fact that I’m gay.

Now, this is something that I was horribly conflicted about for a number of years. As you know, I struggled back in those days at Southwestern with some extreme anger issues and, although I didn't recognize it then for what it was, I was clinically depressed. At that time, I knew that I was supposed to be interested in the kind of relationships I saw developing all around me, but I really wasn't interested in what I was seeing all around me. The source of my anger and my depression was that I had these feelings that I had struggled with during my time at ASU, feelings others told me, and which I told myself, could be defeated if only I believed hard enough. And yet, that never happened, and I became so angry so often because there was something in me, something wrong with me, that I couldn’t do what everyone told me I ought to be able to do. As a result, I would lash out at anyone because I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t feeling what I knew in my head that I was supposed to. Because of that, I’ve made a lot of mistakes over the years, and I am still reaping the whirlwind as a result of some of those mistakes. Some areas I’ve made amends, and others, that’s still very much of an ongoing process, but it’s one I am glad to be going through.

When I left Southwestern, my depression grew even worse, and I started a downward cycle in which I would maintain appearances but where I was screaming at the edges inside my heart and my mind. During that time, I did anything I could think of to try and jumpstart what I was told I should be wanting – youth ministry, prayer ministry, jail ministry, seminary, anything that caused me to be surrounded by people who would reinforce what I knew I was supposed to want. And yet, these feelings, they never went away. At one point, and this was during my time at the church we went to together, I was near the point of suicide, so close that I actually considered buying razors. Obviously, I didn’t do that, and that was what made me finally wake up and start thinking about my life and it’s direction.

There was a time when I was very conflicted about this. That is no longer the case. As I mentioned, I always had the round peg and square hole thing going on, where I felt like I was a perennial outsider. I saw conversations going on around me, but I never felt welcome to take part in them. One day, as I started thinking and considering, I decided to go to a counseling group held on the ASU campus. The people I met with there didn’t sound all that different from me. I heard their struggles, and they sounded an awful lot like the life that I had led for the better part of the last eleven years. I began meeting people and becoming progressively more foreign, seeing that what I had to do was to come to a point of accepting myself, that nobody else could accept me for who I am until I learned to accept myself. That was the point when I realized that I had to stop living a lie. If there was a point of no return for me, that was the moment when I crossed that threshold. Over the past year or so, I've come to terms with this aspect of myself. At this point in my life, it's not something I'm ashamed of or conflicted about. It's just a part of who I am. Obviously, we've been friends for a long time, so it's important that I be honest with you about who I am.

Now, let me talk brass tacks with you for a moment. The reality of the last ten years, Charles, is that while I was discovering things about myself in other areas, I was lying to myself about this one. And, because I was being dishonest with myself, I was being dishonest with everyone else, you included. For that, I hope you will accept my apology. If I could go back and undo one thing over the past ten years, this would be it. I can’t go back and change the past, but I can try and rectify my mistakes for the future, and that’s why it’s important for me to tell you this, because you have been a good friend, and this is not something I would ever want you to hear from anyone but me – you’ve been there beside me in good times and in bad, and I owe you the respect of having you hear this from me directly.

Not long ago, I moved out of the house that you and your wife graciously rented to me for a year. Over the course of the past year, as I have been coming to terms with this aspect of myself, I also had a keen understanding of the spiritual and moral convictions that you have. While I can't say that I share those convictions any longer, I can say that while I was renting your house, I always tried to abide by those and I want you to know that nothing ever took place under that roof that you would have objected to with regard to all this. The standard of behavior I always used was that I would never do anything under the roof of your house that I would not have done if you were sitting in the living room with me. It is very important to me that you understand that.

Here's the thing I want to make sure I communicate to you - I'm the same guy you knew at Southwestern and in the years since. I do like to think I’ve picked up a few social graces since then (although any social graces would be more than what I was working with back in the late 90’s, LOL). The only difference between yesterday and today is that you know something about me now that you didn't know before. I’m still the same Star Wars nerd who loves X-Box 360 and has an occasional thing for guns that you don’t always share in Yes, my friend, Captain Awesome has not left the building

If you’re shocked, angry, upset, all of the above – I understand the range of emotions that people may be feeling when they hear this news. I can understand those feelings because, for 34 years, I’ve experienced every single one of them day in and day out. I was only when I came to terms with this that I was able to shut the lid on those feelings once and for all. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with this part of myself. I have, and I’m genuinely happy and at a good place with all this, but it has been far from an overnight and instantaneous process. Because of that, I understand that it would be both unfair and unrealistic for me to expect any of my friends to just accept this overnight. If you need time to be able to come to terms with this yourself, I can totally understand that and I am willing to give you whatever space you feel like you may need. At this point, I’m completely open about this aspect of my life, so it isn’t like this is a secret that I feel the need to hide - tell people or don't tell people as you think is appropriate. I'm comfortable with my life as it is, and I want to be around all my friends who still want to be around me. At the same time, I also know that some folks may not be totally comfortable with this, so I want people to know and, this applies to you more than most others, that I am leaving the choice of where we go from here, in your hands. I hope we’ll be able to find a way forward, but I’m also not going to try and be pushy or aggressive in the situation either.

So, there it is - no longer a secret. It's something I am comfortable with, and it's also something I want you to know. If you want to talk, feel free to e-mail; me, or we can talk on the phone as well. Likewise, if you're not comfortable with this, I understand that too and you should feel comfortable with either contacting me or not contacting me as you see fit. As I say, I'm really open about my life, and I want the people around me to understand that, so I won't push this issue at all. If you feel comfortable e-mailing, talking, whatever, I am cool with that. Likewise, if you need some time, I won't press that issue. Instead, I am comfortable leaving the next step in your hands. If I don't talk to you for a while, take care of yourself and all my best, man. You're one of my best friends and a good man and I hope we get to talk again soon.

All the Best,

Marcus

 

Hey all….just wanted to post here that I had the talk! It went better than I could possibly have expected. She said what she believed but also told me that she loved me and that, if I am in a relationship with a man, that she would love that person too. We talked very honestly and it was better than I could possibly have hoped for.

And yes, I just updated my Facebook interested in status to “Men”. Wow….being totally, 100% complete out….this is nice

wOOt!