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Out to my twin... I think

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Davo, Jan 12, 2010.

  1. Davo

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    Hi all! It’s actually been quite a long while since I’ve made a post, I'm busy so can't visit as often as I'd like but when I do visit I find there's little contribution I can make to the already well-performing forum. Anyway, I've been having a lot of angst about coming out of the holidays, and now the holidays are gone and out of the way and I have half an hour to spare while the ovens on, I thought I'd write this all down as its therapeutic and if I can get some advice that's a plus.

    So I'm currently living on my own away from my family, I had to move away for work, but I've also been in a relationship for the last 6 months. So my holiday plans were to spend as much time with my family, friends and boyfriend as possible, except my family don't know about my boyfriend. I thought this would make it difficult to see him as my family are always enquiring where I am and who I'm with. But also as I feel incredibly committed to him, I have therefore decided to move closer to him next year, so I thought I would have to come out over the holidays to explain my reasons for uprooting my new life. Well I didn't, I've become very good at dodging their enquiries it seems. So I didn't come out to them, I knew I had to do it and I lost quite a bit of sleep over the weeks I was there worrying, but I couldn't tell them.

    I did notice a thread on emptyclosets where you had to rate each year of the decade, and I realised how absolutely horrible the noughties have been for me. That was the decade where I realised I was gay, I was in quite a dark place for the majority of the decade, and its only been in the last couple of years that my life has finally come together and allowed me to keep enjoying life. So I was determined to not allow all this angst to ruin the 2010s (or whatever we're calling this decade). I was fed up with not being gay. So after spending hogmanay evening with my boyfriend, I came home before the bells desperate to come out to my brother and sister... my subtle attempts to come out to my sister failed miserably, I kept hinting that I'm having a secret relationship, and overemphasising the word 'friend' when I described who I was with. She probably knew what I was on about but is just being infuriating as usual. Anyway, my final stab was to say 'do you want to know who I was with tonight'... at which point my sister left to get some crisps. That's when my twin brother asked who?... and I said my boyfriend!

    His reaction was odd... it started off with a sort of horrified look, very shocked... but then he went... 'oookkaaaay, that's fine!' And that was the last he said. Now I know I should be relieved, I was more worried about coming out to him than any of my family, as we are very close, and I just didn't think he would understand. So it wasn't the 'hooray!' or 'NOOOOO!!' that all these years of angst have been preparing me for. And I suppose its a good reaction. But I know my brother, and I think the fact that he didn't say a word afterwards means he just wants to ignore it, and pretend it didn't happen. Suffice to say after this, my boyfriends advice to 'not rush the process and wait until I'm around my family a bit more' finally made a bit of sense. I decided not to tell any others in my family, although I did continue to hint to my sister, she ignored all my hints.

    But now I've moved back home and I won't see my family again for months, I do think it was a bad idea to come out over the holidays. I need to be around in order for my relationship with my family to continue to develop. I know it took a good couple of years after I came out to my best friends for things to be okay between us, we still hung out but we would never speak about it, but now they're asking how my boyfriend is and are just being great about everything. If I don't see my brother again for months, how do I know how he is about it, our relationship will be stuck on pause until I return... and by that time he's likely to have forgotten it ever happened? My partner says I don't have to ever come out, but I love my family even though I often hate them, and I hate always having this on the tip of my tongue and constantly losing sleep as I've been doing so for ten years now. I'm always preparing myself to tell them, waiting for the right moment... there hasn't been a right moment in ten years, and I'm not going to live another ten years like that. Anyway this has become dramatically long, and I've said all I have to say.
     
  2. seadog

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    Good for you. Time waits for no one, not even you, as the moody blues lyric goes. Your bro won't forget, and my guess is that your sis knows. We all get comfortable with our measure of denial, yet the fact remains known. Maybe share your angst with brother & sis and ask them their ideas on how to share this small part of who you are with your parents and other family members. Even tho you are not with them maybe you can have this convo via email or telephone. This would engage them, with you, positively, in the discussion. they will then also have an oppty to ask you any querries they might have but be afraid to bring up. Good luck and congrats on your family and love relationships.
     
  3. Mirko

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    Hi there! First off, congratulations on coming out to your brother. :slight_smile:

    Maybe give your brother some time to adjust or come around to it. It seems that he is going to be okay and there seems to be a level of acceptance but at some point he might become more comfortable with the idea and also talk to you or ask questions. Close friends and family members will come around to it eventually.

    I am glad that your friends came around, are supportive, ask you questions and that you can talk with them about your boyfriend. I am sure that you will be able to this with your family as well down the road.

    Although your might be a bid disappoint, recognize what you did was a huge step. You are out to one family member and this is something to be proud of. You don't have to wait another 10 years to let your family know but I think your boyfriend has given you some good advice. Don't rush into coming out, in particular if you feel that your family might not be as supportive or accepting. If it takes another one or two years that's okay. Given that you are not out to your family, I would take it step by step when coming out. Maybe talk to them about the fact that you are gay first, before mentioning that you are in a relationship and have a boyfriend.

    Although it is often said that you have a perfect way of coming out and just mention that you have a boyfriend, for some it can be a lot all at once and come around to. If you feel that your family might have a hard time with it, and need some time to come around to it, maybe don't tell them everything all at once.

    I hope things will go well for you, and thank you for the update. Haven't seen you in a while around. Glad to know that things are going well for you. (*hug*)
     
  4. Connor22

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    you have a twin brother? that's awesome and you came out to him? that's even more awesome... YOU'RE AWESOME
     
  5. Sicsemper79

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    I know how you feel not wanting to do it while you are not near your family. Breaks sometimes don't come often, and when they do it doesn't seem right to ruin them by telling your family that you're gay.

    I was gone from my family for many years. I left for college, then I worked for the Department of Defense all over the world. I didn't get to see them near as much as I wanted. I never even considered coming out to them during that time.

    There is another side to this though. I am now 30 years old. I moved back to my hometown about 3 years ago to work with our family business. I really got settled here. The only thing I didn't do was come out. It just never happened. I now think about it, and I know I should have done it when I was away.

    I guess my point is that the timing will never be perfect. When you feel like its time for your family to know, you should tell them. It sounds from your post that you think they need to know. Give them a call or send them a letter. Tell them that even though you aren't living close to them that you want them to be connected with your life. Trust me on this... I love my family very deeply, however they do not really know me very well... and we even work together. My father has only been to my home 1 time in almost 3 years. We never talk about anything that isn't work related. Don't put yourself in that position. Now I have to fix this relationship... it will be much harder than it had to be.

    There are always a million reasons to put that conversation off for another day. Sometimes we just have to have it anyway. :thumbsup:

    Good Luck!
     
    #5 Sicsemper79, Jan 12, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2010
  6. Jim1454

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    Your brother is NOT going to forget. He might pretent to have forgotten, but he won't.

    I'm sure your sister likely knows as well and just didn't know what to say.

    Given that, do you think they'll share what you told them with the rest of your family? You didn't ask them not to, did you?

    And just because you live somewhere else doesn't mean you can't talk about it with them. The next time you're on the phone with your brother, you should talk about how you and your boyfriend did this or did that. Make it as casual as you can. Talk about your boyfriend and things he's doing. He's part of your life, and your brother is entitled to know what is going on in your life.

    Many of us, including me, came out and then made the mistake of waiting for someone to bring up the subject again. It isn't going to happen. You're going to have to do it yourself, and the longer you leave this, the harder it will be. So I would strongly recommend that you make it a point to call your brother so that you can have that conversation. Even ask him point blank how he's feeling about having a gay twin brother. The answer might not be ideal, but you'll have kept the conversation alive. And he's feeling it whether he tells you or not, so isn't it better to know what he's feeling?

    Good luck! And congratulations for coming out!
     
  7. joeyconnick

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    It's also worth pointing out that waiting until you are geographically close to your family again is, well, crazy, since maybe you never will be. So are you never going to come out to any of them based on a technicality like that?

    As people have said, there is no "perfect time" to come out. People who wait for one are just subconsciously using it as a delaying tactic.

    And Jim is quite right--in most cases, the person coming out has to do the "heavy lifting" in terms of not letting people avoid the topic. It's sucks, it's unfair... but it's usually the case.
     
  8. EM68

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    Congrats on coming out to your brother. Like Jim said your brother won't forget. It may take him some time to adjust to the fact you are gay, It took you a while to come out, he is going to have a process to go through himself. I have a twin and he was the hardest on to come out to. I know it came as a shock to him but over time he has adjusted and been very accepting. He even invited my bf to to his wedding and asks how about us.
     
  9. Davo

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    Thanks for the advice guys.

    I do think I'm more prepared to come out now, and agree that it is something that I just have to do, I don't want to keep hiding things from my family, and as I am in a serious relationship, there will always be a reason to come out, although I think I will wait to see how my family react to me being gay before I tell them about my boyfriend. But I will hopefully spend some time with them over Easter and summer, and I'll see if I can pluck up the courage to say something... maybe I'll wait until after Summer when I'm a bit more settled.

    As for my brother, we don't contact each other much when I'm away, but the next time I do I'll try to casually mention something, but I won't force him into a conversation. Things are difficult with my brother and I feel a lot of responsibility for him, so I really don't want to push things. My family and I don't ever talk about things, we all have a playful jokey relationship, so changing the topic to a personal issue will never feel natural, but one day I will just have to do it

    Thanks again