So when I came out (or was outed) I never thought it would be such a long an continuous process! Anyway here is the story! It's long and you don't have to read it if you don't want but I enjoy reading people's coming out experiences as everyone's is different! I was dating a girl when i was 14 and I wrote her a letter. I gave it to her at school and she totally took it the bad way and told me she never wanted to speak to me again. Being 14 I was devastated and I confided in a few other girlfriends and that was the first time I had ever told anyone in my life. From there it was just telling people at school who I felt I could trust and rumors and stuff spread like wild fire! I hadn't come out to anyone else except some friends and acquaintances at school. So back before I became and exchange student when I was a sophomore in high school, I was visiting my cousin in Toronto. She is my first cousin once removed (my mom's cousin's daughter). I decided that she was chill enough to know the truth about me and I told her I was gay and asked her not share it with anyone. Well skip ahead a couple years and I'm a senior in high school. It is February. The prior months, our family best friends (who actually converted my dad to Protestantism from Catholicism who in turn converted my mom from Judaism) started confronting me about rumors they had heard. Well on the 2nd of February when I got home from school my mom called me and saiad she had been hearing a rumor about me from our family best friend who had heard it from their old pastor who had moved from our town to go and be a pastor in Toronto. Well, my cousin happened to go to this church. The rumor was that my cousin was telling the children of the pastor that I was gay and that these kids were then telling the kids of our family best friend, which in return got back to my mom who was confronting me. I told my mom I'd talk to her when she got home. Well, she got home and I broke down and told her it was true. My dad joined in the conversation and I explained to them that I've been gay since as long as I can remember. My dad kept saying that it was just a phase and he asked if I had ever been with another boy. I thought that just telling them this was too much and that they would not be ready to hear that another man has stuck his penis inside me and vice-versa. So I lied. Well my mom hugged me and we all cried and then my dad suggested talking to a friend of his at his church who is a psychologist. I was at first quite offended and defensive and I wanted nothing to do with some person who was going to judge me and try to cure me! We didn't talk about it after that first night and there were no more questions my parents really asked me. I ended up agreeing to go and see the psychologist and the sessions were pretty calm and easy going and we talked and he told me of his ideas about homosexuality (basically quoting Freud) and never really judging me. It wasn't until the end that he gave me some literature about a place where you can go and live and learn to live a "normal" straight life. The one downfall of this whole situation is we never got to talk with my parents present and actually my parents and I have NEVER mentioned my homosexuality since then except for one or two times where I've hinted that I'll never have a wife and children (naturally). My sister was already out of the house and married at this point and I didn't care to share with her. I'm looking for a time that is right to open dialogue with my parents and with my sister and brother-in-law who is a pastor. The hardest part for my family is explaining how I can go from believing in a God to being gay, as they think God could never make a person gay. My dad's twin sister is gay and I just came out to her this past year. She has been cautious about it and telling me to watch out and I feel that she is still living with the fears that people her age had to go through to be gay. It wasn't as easy for them to come out as it is for us in a modern age. I think that when I get home this summer before I return to Vancouver I'm going to sit my parents down and talk to them about being gay. I'm going to tell my sister and my brother-in-law and I'm going to just put "interested in men" on my facebook so that all of my contacts (my friends, my family, my acquaintances) can see that I'm gay. In theory it should be easy! I'm tired of walking through life wondering who knows and constantly coming out to people. Life has only gotten easier coming out, and I feel that the day when I can say "I'm out totally" will be the day when that HUGE weight is then lifted on my shoulders. The only people I'm scared about knowing that I'm gay are my grandparents! I'm afraid what my grandmas will say. I'm especially afraid of how my one grandma will take it. I feel my parents will think it is selfish of me for coming out and causing my grandma unneeded stress since my grandfather just passed away this past year. What do you think I should do? I would love to hear from people who are totally out and how it has changed their life! Especially those who came out later, as I want to know what life was like before and after! I'm not saying I don't care about the high school experience I just want to know what it is like for the work force and career aspects of life.
(*hug*) Thank you for sharing your story. I really liked being able to understand it. I'm sorry that you were pushed out before, and that your parents have given you guff about it. I'm just recently entirely out (two days ago...) so I can't help at all with describing what the life outside is like. But I do believe it's better...
Wow, you have quite a story! It amazes me how different and personal each person's coming out story is, and yet how much we all share in common. It's reassuring to know that we all go through similar stages. My personal experience has a lot in common with yours. My coming our process has literally taken years and has been a series of small steps, some private and some public. And it's nowhere near over yet; I'm still trying to find my new gay identity and I'm still discovering new things (like the EC). Plus I'm not totally out yet. I also come from a religious family who judge homosexuals. Just this past Christmas my mom went on a rant about homosexuality being unnatural and gays being the spawn of the devil, and that God would get his retribution. First of all it hurts me to my core. Second of all, I haven't yet told my parents I'm gay, and I'm not sure when or even if I will. I don't think the reaction would be positive, and it might be the end of my mom (I mean that literally; she believes that her acceptance into or rejection from heaven will be judged by how her kids turn out, and if they don't turn out to be practising Catholic baby-making machines, then she's going straight to hell and therefore she has nothing left to live for. No guilt in that, right?). It's tough and I can only travel this road along with you. As for coming out later in life, that's me, although I'm not yet totally out. I can't speak for all LGBT people, but for me there really wasn't a "before" and "after". Sure there are momentous occasions like when I came out to the first person, like when I first said "I'm gay!!" out loud, and when I first told a family member. But the euphoria (mixed with a healthy dose of anxiety) wears off, and then life keeps on happening. I think life is like a roller coaster with lots off up and downs, and coming out just gives you a new or different set of ups and downs. But you're still riding this crazy thing and holding on for dear life! In a way I think I'm lucky that I've been able to separate my career from my personal life (I own my own business). For one thing I've been able to prevent my huge insecurities on the personal side from affecting my business successes. I love what I do, and I'm good at it! On the other hand, my personal side is still very screwed up, which is part of the reason I've bonded so quickly with this EC community - I can see how it will help me. I guess my message here is that there are probably many things going on in your life, and being gay/coming out is just one of them. It will probably have as much impact on your career and future as you let it. One of my business partners is gay and as out as you can be, and he freely mixes his sexuality with the business; I think he's made it work very well. I've chosen to keep them separate for now, although I reserve the right to change my mind on this. I know that I'm offering a perspective that's biased from my own personal experience. I hear a lot of gays and lesbians who say that coming fully out to the world was a life-changing experience and that everyone should do it because life is so much more fulfilling after. I can see how this can be possible, but I also recognize that every person's experiences and situations are different. For example, being totally out to my family may be unbelievably redeeming for myself, but it may cost me any future relationship with my parents. I have to weigh the trade-off. Do I sound confused? It's because I still am. So if you ever find the manual for "How To Live A Gay Life From 9 to 90", please give me a copy!!
First off congrats for that..assisted coming out..hehe.Here is a link to my story..if i try to give too many examples from my own it will take up an entire page... http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30966 ..And as to being completely out no one is ever out totally unless they are the traditional flamboyant gay man..so you will constantly be coming out to people the rest of your life..it is a continuous process. As far as telling your grandparents..that one is up to you. As for me it is a bit late..both of my grandfathers passed away, one grandmother has alzheimers (hope that is the correct spelling) and the other..well..never telling her. No need to. Like you though I've told my friends, entire family and even played around with the settings on facebook. For now I am as out as I can get and it is a wonderful feeling knowing that the people who love you know now who you really are.
Thank you all for responding! I really do want to just a "gay man"! I want to just live my life and not have to worry or think about it being an issue! I cannot stand it when straight people just assume I'm straight. Most people don't realize I'm gay unless they have spent a lot of time with me or I have told them. As for my grandparents knowing, one of them already knows, as he mentioned it to my lesbian aunt. I think my other grandma would find out from my gossiping family and the other may go to her death not knowing the true me. I would be fine with that, because I feel like she'd be so disappointed. She would still love me very very much, but still. As for my parents, they know that I'm gay, I've told them, I don't know whether they just ignore it or what. They treat me just the same as they would if I were not gay, but I'm afraid that if I take that last huge step and post on facebook, they may turn away from it. I'm friends with many of their friends on there, a lot of my family, and basically, putting it in writing is like the last thing signifying that it is indeed the truth! I want to be strong an do it but I dunno if I can. I know that my sister will be mad at me and I remember how my family was around my lesbian aunt. Some of my cousins would not let their children stay with my aunt relating homosexuality with pedophilia! I do not want my sister to think the same way of me with my niece and nephew whom I love. She has already not put me down as the guardian for her children because I do not attend church and she wants here children raised as Christians. It hurts, but I've accepted that that is her wishes. I can't see myself having a partner and bringing them to family functions, but then again, that person will be part of my life and I do not want to have to HIDE it forever! The future is so scary! The more I talk about it the more brave I get and want to just get it over with now and send my sister an e-mail. Then again, I want to tell her in person. I also want my niece and nephew to know. I want to sit down and tell them that their uncle Etienne likes boys, but I think that would cause a shit storm with my brother-in-law who is a pastor and with my parents and my sister! How would you go about telling little cousins and children about being gay. Do you think it is something that we should be upfront about? I didn't even realize my aunt was gay until I figured it out when I was 16! I wish that someone had been upfront with me. Anyway, thank you for the continued support! I really am glad I found this website!
How do you tell kids? Well, you just tell them. You explain that 'gay' means that instead of a boy falling in love with a girl, he falls in love with another boy. Little kids get that - because they understand the whole princess and prince thing from Disney movies. It doesn't need to be more complicated than that. And it certainly doesn't have to have anything to do with sex. Little kids don't know about heterosexual sex - so why should they know anything about homosexual sex? I have a few 'coming out' threads that I've written. You could look for those. I've come out to my kids now, my parents, my grandmother, some of my coworkers, my best friends, my church, my kids' teachers, and my extended family. Everyone (with the exception of some people at the church) has been supportive and encouraging. Good luck!
Kids are surprisingly strong, and they are a lot less likely to be preconditioned or biased. Remember that they understand love, not sex, so don't make this about sex. Tell them that uncle Etienne is looking for a boyfriend, or if you've found that special someone, that he's in love with a man. They'll get it. The parents will be a whole other issue, and I think you need to address that one first. No one can tell you how and when to come out, but it sounds to me like you're ready to get this part of your life going, and you sound like a strong person. If so, I would be blunt and assertive with the "resistant" members of your family. Tell them this is who you are, and this is how it is, period. Then offer to help them through their own acceptance of it (for example by directing them to PFLAG). Make it clear that this is the path you're on, and if they can't accept it then they're the ones with the issues, not you. I think that if you come across as unwavering, i.e. you're not asking them for their approval, you're telling them the facts, then it will put the onus on them to deal with it. Of course that's no guarantee as to how they'll react, but I think it will set the stage for you to just show up at the next family gathering with your partner. Sometimes change can be forced, and it's amazing how people can come to accept things just by repeated reinforcement, whether they agree with it or not. Or, maybe you'll be surprised by their reaction!
Yeah, I don't think I have a problem explaining what homosexuality is for children haha! I don't think I implied that I'd be giving a sex talk. That part I can handle. I'm just thinking that my sister and brother-in-law will not give me the chance to talk to my niece and nephew about it and when I do have time to tell them and they confront their parents about it then they will makes some excuses for it. Example might be "Uncle Etienne is lost and is a sinner and little boys and girls should not grow up liking someone of the same sex." I want my niece and nephew to grow up and be whoever they want to be. Also, how do I go about making a differences between homosexuality as a choice, and making the choice to live how I want to be. I mean I could choose to stay in the closet forever from everyone, which isn't the case as I'm out to almost everyone and most new people I meet, if they ask me, I tell them I'm gay. Heteros seem to think that being gay is a choice. It totally isn't as I don't know anybody who would wake up one day and say "I want to be gay." But I do think that we as human beings do have to choose whether or not we want to live what is a "normal" life from us away from the "norm". We have to make a CHOICE to say that I'm going to live as who I am and not hide and 'act' like someone I'm not. How do you explain that? How do you explain that to religious people who think by choosing to live a "homosexual" (normal and natural for us) livestyle is a sin and that we are "choosing" sin. Am I making sense here? This is really really hard to put into words, you know? I basically have told people who stand on their belief that I chose to be gay that it would be like living in central Berlin during WWII and choosing one day to become a Jew! Ugh, I feel like I'm so ahead of so many in accepting myself and coming out yet then I think of all the obstacles ahead of me. Why does being homosexual have to be so complicated? I hate it! I should be allowed to be who I am with NO questions asked! I'm really getting down on this, ugh, I need a beer (or 6). Thank you guys for your continued support!
I think you've pretty much explained it right here! This is the message you need to be telling your sister, and with conviction (which you don't sound like you're lacking). Your challenge is to get her to understand the truth. Start by telling her that you love her, and that you're looking for her support and understanding. Make it clear that she means a lot to you, and that you're telling her this because you want your strong relationship to continue even though things are changing for you. Tell her this is hard for you, but that it's important for her to know the truth. Then say what you said above. Your sister and her family obviously mean a lot to you, so I would encourage you to try your best to forge a new relationship based on the truth. It may take a few attempts to make a breakthrough, but she sounds like she's worth it!
The nice thing about being out is that our sexuality becomes in some ways a smaller part of our lives. Before I was out it consumed me. I thot about it all the time. Now there must be at least 30 seconds out of every minute I am free to think of something other than sex!! jk Here's an anchor steam for you!
