For context, the first I time I let someone know I was gay was in November 2008. As I said in other threads, for much of my time for teenage years on, there were times when I thought I was straight, times when I thought I was gay. I definitely fluctuated, and could really sure of one, then really sure of the other. I came to college in October 2004, and soon made friends with someone, another young member of a college society, who was old-fashioned in his views (I'll call him J). I would have mentioned certain girls to him occasionally, but never mentioned that I could probably best described as bisexual for that time, and sometimes considered coming out as gay. At the end of second year, we had both failed to be elected to the committee. A rumour spread that he had said that he didn't approve of one of those who had, because he was gay (who I'll call P). He denied it, but enough people believed that he could have said it. He had by then been known for opposing the distribution of condoms by the society, and opposed gay marriage, had little time for the LGBT Society. But J did say to me at the time that his being friends with another gay person clearly showed that he wasn't bigoted. It was widely believed that J had said that, and he did not get on with P when he did return to the committee. I suppose he was indignant that this was believed of him, and didn't care to set the record straight if someone had such ideas of him. When J eventually came to head the society, P resigned soon after, saying that he knew that he couldn't continue to work with J. Few held it against him. They had fallen out over the layout of a magazine, but people could understand why there would be tension. To a certain extent, some held it against me that I was still seen as somewhat close to J. J graduated college in 2008, and I didn't meet him that much. We're all still in the same city, which is small enough, so I did occasionally meet him for coffee. From later that year, I had told people that I was gay. But I didn't tell him that I was gay till yesterday. He was surprised, given the girls I'd mentioned. But his response was great, "You've joined ranks with some of the best of men", mentioning his favourite author, Somerset Maugham. Ultimately, like anyone with early twentieth century sensibilities, he had read of gay people, knew of the certain number in the classic English literature of the time. He's of the Don't Ask Don't Tell opinion, while still of the "Not that there's anything wrong with it" opinion. He is also himself quite private, he doesn't generally introduce his girlfriends as such, people would just eventually realize by seeing him more and more often with a girl that they're going out. Which is partly the reason I didn't get around to telling him, we'd be more likely to discuss politics than personal matters. Of course, I do disagree with his views on some of the gay issues in politics, but I'm now more convinced that even if they wouldn't stand up to scrutiny, they're simply old-fashioned, crusty and out of date, rather than being bigoted. I'm also glad he doesn't go on Facebook much, where he would have seen links to occasional blog post I wrote that would have given it away to him, so that I could tell him in person. Then, after we'd moved on to something else, just before we left, he asked if I was seeing anyone, in as normal a fashion as anything.
That's amazing! Congratulations! He sounds like a really good guy actually. He might not agree with everything, but atleast he's not mean about it.
There's lots of hope and optimism regarding this friend, and I would encourage you to be a positive role model to him as a gay friend. I think you'll be able to make an impression on him that will further his understanding of what it means to be gay, and also what it doesn't mean. Remember that he's coming at this from the outside, so he's also on a learning curve and one that will probably change a few of his core beliefs. I think that we as homosexuals are sometimes so consumed with our own troubled trajectories that we overlook the fact that many straight people will also have a journey to enlightenment and acceptance as they develop their relationships with gay people and modify what they may have been brought up to understand or expect.
Good for you for coming out to him, and good for him on taking the news so well. I think a lot of younger people, even people who fall into a conservative issue position, are not motivated by outright bigotry and more by views more rooted in issues and positions that are more applicable to 1980 than they are to 2010. This is probably what we're going to see more and more of, and as people like your friend become more aware of what a gay person goes through, I think they'll be more open to getting rid of stuff like "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". A good thing all around!
