I always felt wrong somehow, and dirty. I was a strange, sexually charged child to begin with. I can remember having strongly sexual thoughts at age 8 and 9... and, aside from feeling awkward around other kids in general, I felt especially different whenever I was with a group of girls. It felt like I was never one of them, like I wanted different things, but it was always so hard to pinpoint. K. I met her in fourth grade, we parted ways a year later when she moved to another city. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen... a redhead, like me, and with big gaudy plastic glasses, like me... I would go spend the night at her house and we would sleep in the same bed under the electric blanket. One day, as we were getting off the bus, she told me that her stepfather's friend was abusing her, and not to tell anyone. I knew that what happened to her was wrong, but I promised not to tell, so I didn't. I couldn't sleep that night laying next to her in the soft glow of the night-light, hearing her breathing. All I wanted to do was put my arms around her, hold her softly, let her cry, protect her from everything evil. I wanted her skin against my skin. I never touched her, I was too afraid she wouldn't like it, and that I would like it too much. L. I met her in middle school. By this time I knew I was different. Every time I went to a slumber party, or was with a group of girls, they would touch each other, hug, tickle, tease, braid each others' hair, and I never could. Or when I did, I felt wrong, like I wanted to be closer. I wanted to bury my face in that soft hair I was braiding and inhale. I was terrified about how much I liked to touch her, like it was a secret that would cost me my friends. I felt like I would explode, I felt like a pervert. I did have crushes on boys, but now I think it was because I felt the need to "pick one" to have a crush on, because that's what 13 year old girls do. In high school, I realized I was in love with L. She was my best friend, but also mysterious. Looking back on it now, I think she may have been abused as a young girl, too. She, like many other girls at the time, claimed to be bisexual. It was sort of en vogue to be a bi girl. Most of those girls never had a girlfriend or did anything more than kiss at parties for the attention, so I never thought that L really liked girls other than thinking they were pretty. She was very flirtatious with her friends, I was very frustrated. I lost my virginity at 14 to the first nice guy that came along, I had about six (short lived) boyfriends between then and graduation. I went to parties and kissed some girls, I even went to the Gay Straight Alliance meetings (as a straight/possibly bisexual ally)... I fell in love with my friend R (male), we planned on getting married. We moved in together after high school, and broke up 3 months later when I told him I think I am gay. I had felt trapped and suicidal. So, then I was single, kinda out, over 18, and looking for other queer women to hang out with. I went to a couple of lesbian gatherings and events, scared shitless mind you, and promptly hooked up with a man for three months. Broke up, had some casual hetero sex, one awful drunken mixed group sex experience, and forgot about the gay thing for the moment. Then I met J (male), who I will always love very dearly... we were together for four and a half years, during which time I cheated on him to have horrible drunken regretful threesomes with a few people. Never interested in the boys involved, just the girls, looking back. They weren't even women I liked, just available. I felt sleazy, starved for boobs. He dumped me and took me back after each encounter. We broke up six months ago when I caught myself repeatedly daydreaming about taking his shotgun and firing it through the roof of my mouth. Something was wrong, I wasn't living the life I wanted to. He remains one of the strongest, most honorable people I have ever encountered. The past four years I thought about women. A lot. I became addicted to the L word (terrible show, I know, but there's women kissing on it.) I knew I wanted to live as a lesbian, but felt like a fraud, because I always ended up with men. So, I moved in with my good friend, B (male), and we hooked up. No surprise. Fell in love. Madly. The funny thing being he only seems to be attracted to lesbians (or is it just strong women with short hair?)... his lesbian friends refer to him as an honorary dyke. The sex was great, we loved the same sci fi shows, always had a great time hanging out together. Still, even feeling so satisfied in so many ways, I knew it wasn't right. We talked, trying to have a casual relationship. He knew how I felt about women, so he took me to a strip club and bought me a lap dance. What a guy. That night I was caught with my jaw dropped, grinning like an idiot, beer spilled down the front of my top... basically like a 12 year old boy who just discovered porn. He said, "you need to get yourself a girl friend." ----------------------------------------- My family has been nothing but accepting, though we haven't talked much about my sexuality. I suppose it will be more of an issue the day I bring a woman to thanksgiving dinner. Over the years, since high school, I had talked with my four siblings, one at a time, in casual conversation about the eye I had toward other women. In fact, a few months ago I was out having dinner with one of my brothers and I told him I'm a lesbian, and he said, "Oh, I knew that. You told me years ago." My parents, however, had no clue. It had just never come up... One day I was talking with my Dad, complaining about my doctor. She never looked me in the eye, misdiagnosed me twice for something routine, always gave me rude answers to simple questions. He said it might be because of my tattoos, I said no,it's because she's homophobic. Dad paused and said, "why should that matter to you?" Oops. I said, "Well, haha... I date women sometimes." He said "oh", and that was the end of it. No big deal at all... So I sent my mom an email that describe the above funny scene... she called me and in a timid voice said she loves me no matter what my sexuality. Whew, I am so lucky... a little awkwardness, that's all... So I guess my struggle hasn't been with society, or even friends or family, but in coming out to myself. My struggle has been with not choosing the path of least resistance, but in discovering what it really is I yearn for, and not settling for delights and distractions laid out before me. I might be going on a date, my first real ever date with a super cute, geeky lesbian I met in class, if I can call up the guts to ask her out next time I see her... I know it's going to feel strange at first, like always wanting to fly a jet and then trying to get used to wearing a flight suit. I still sleep with my guy friend from time to time, we love each other. I wonder if he'll be the last man I ever sleep with, or if I'm truly bisexual. How about no labels at all and I just pay really close attention to what I want... I wonder if I'll just never be satisfied in a love relationship, if I'll always be looking for something better. Or maybe I'm really a lesbian, and that's why I always get this tight, trapped, hollow, yearning, deeply sad feeling whenever I'm in a relationship with a man, no matter how great it is... Thanks for letting me share.
Thanks for sharing. And welcome to EC. Don't let anyone tell you what "camp" you are. Only you can know. Sometimes it fluxuates for people. have you read about the Kinsey scale? That can be a good indicator of how you usually feel. 0 is straight, 3 is equally bisexual and six is totally gay. Just feel free to check out the other coming out stories, support forums, and simply chat about random things in the other forums. Welcome.
Hi Uruz! Great post, very well written and articulate. I agree with raeoflite in that you don't need to *really* label yourself, but, lets have a crack at it anyway! To me, what you sound is bi leaning gay. I have been able to have sex with girls, but not really a relationship at all. then I've been able to have relationships with girls that are much more personal but not sexual. Seems like you can get off with a guy, but the deep intimate longing you are after won't happen with a guy, so why not take a deep breath and ask this cute geeky girl out and really take the plunge and see if thats what is for you? You don't have much to lose from the sound of it, but a hell of a lot to gain. So, I think i'd just say go for it with this nice girl and see where life takes you. BTW, your friend B sounds like an awesome freind.
Hi!! Thanks for sharing your story and welcome. Coming out to others can be rough, but coming out to ourselves can be even rougher. Im glad that you worked your way through it all. Oh, and good luck on your date!! Go for it!!
Thanks for sharing your story. It took me a long time to come out to myself, so I feel where you're coming from.
Hii, welcome to EC. A beautiful and amazingly written story you have there. Very powerful. I <3 this, an almost perfect description of how I feel.
Hi and first thing welcome to EC Thanks for sharing your story with us. I hope being on EC will help you to be more comfortable about your sexual orientation. Don't worry too much about labels : if you like girls it's fine, if you like guys too, it's fine too. See you around, Eleanor
Thanks everyone, it is so nice to have a place to talk. Shorty: Yes, B is my best friend. I hope to know him for many years. ArcaneVerse: Thanks for the quote! To put it more bluntly - it has been so much easier for me to hook up with and find emotional connection with men than women, because I'm more comfortable around them. There aren't that many women - straight or gay - in my social circle anyway, just a bunch of metal heads! All my band mates are men, their friends are men... For me to meet a woman I truly like and am attracted to would require a lot of effort, but I'm starting to realize the worth of doing so.
Well I guess it is true that nothing good comes easy (or however that goes lol) I mean everyone is familiar with wanting and needing the things that always seem just out of reach but its the journey to obtain said things that we learn and grow to then appreciate what we have when we get it in the end. I truly hope you find that someone special =]. I still love the quote and how profound it is, even though when explained more it doesn't seem as widely applicable. For me it reflected my own struggles and how the only obstacle is really myself and the needing to ignore all things to find out my truest feelings and thoughts. anyways thanks again for your story :icon_bigg
Yeah, the only obstacle is ourselves... means something different to everyone, but it is so true for many people...
I think you just described about 1/2 the people here when they were having trouble coming out to themselves, me included. Look, the hardest obsitcal to get around, at least in my book, is coming out to yourself. I hid it for over 10 years; but, when you look back on it it will seem so small and insignificant a part of being gay.
Uruz - You do write beautifully, and your experience of being in relationships with men felt so very familiar to my own experiences (and I married two of them). I think you should keep writing - either for yourself or one day to share your experiences with others. Either way, I think you will benefit a great deal from being able to put your thoughts down on paper (or computer). Becky
First of all, welcome to EC! (*hug*) I loved your post, and I think a ton of people here can empathize with what you're feeling right now. Coming out to yourself is the first (and most difficult) hurdle. As of now, why worry about labeling yourself? I say go on a date with the girl (geeky lesbians FTW :lol and see how it goes. If you like someone, go for it. And if something doesn't work out, then it doesn't necessarily mean you're one way or the other--it could just mean you aren't meant for that particular person. Sexuality is a very complex thing, and it's different for everyone. This exactly describes my middle school experience. I couldn't have said it better myself. You really are a great writer.
Thanks everyone for the kind, supportive words. Cute geeky lesbian kinda stood me up. :rolleyes: My heart is officially off the market. It has been bought up by the bank of my soul. It will be held, vacant, until all the wildflowers grow back. :eusa_booh: (See what happens when I'm encouraged?! Melodramatic ramblings emerge...)
I think,someday,you should write a book. You're certainly a very good writer. I think our journey to self is the hardest journey of all. It's a lifelong thing. We learn new things about ourselves and our world,everyday. The greatest gift you can give to yourself is just being yourself. Take your time. You've got the rest of your life to live. Live it the way you want.