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Survey - Your experience coming out to parents

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Sylver, Jan 29, 2010.

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Your experience coming out to parents

  1. Out to both - went well

    38 vote(s)
    49.4%
  2. Out to mom only - went well

    22 vote(s)
    28.6%
  3. Out to dad only - went well

    2 vote(s)
    2.6%
  4. Out to both - mom took it well, dad badly

    3 vote(s)
    3.9%
  5. Out to both - dad took it well, mom badly

    4 vote(s)
    5.2%
  6. Out to mom only - went badly

    3 vote(s)
    3.9%
  7. Out to dad only - went badly

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  8. Out to both - went badly

    5 vote(s)
    6.5%
  1. Sylver

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    This poll is for those of you who have come out to one or both parents. Indicate how you feel it went at the time you came out to them, not over time if things may have changed.

    I have yet to come out to my parents, mostly because I'm afraid of what their reaction is going to be. My expectation is that it isn't going to go well. But from reading various peoples' experiences on EC, it seems to me that the fear of things going badly may be disproportionate to how it actually turns out. I haven't found any good statistics on the reactions of parents when their children come out to them, so I'd like to survey the EC members to see if we can get a sense of the reality.

    Thanks, everyone!!
     
  2. EM68

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    I came out to my parents a year ago next month. It was the best thing I ever did. It brought me a lot closer to them. They have been so supportive. My dad first reaction was 'so your still my son' and my mom cried because I held it in so long. What ever you do James, good luck.
     
  3. Filip

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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well, my father died before I was out to myself, so I never told him. Ideally, I'd have wanted to come out to them together.
    So I'm not sure where I'd put that. If I say "out to both", then that's technically not true, but "out to mom only" makes it sound as if I'm intentionally keeping one parent in the dark. I decided to go with the "out to mom only", as it's probably closest to the truth.

    As for how it went: it went pretty well, all put together (thread about it here). Nothing much happened. She was silent, asked a few questions, and that was that.

    I know that she is a bit worried, and that she doesn't like to talk about it. And occasionally she gives me the impression that she still wishes I'd turn straight. I got into a bit of a disagreement with her lately, and I know that me being gay factored into it. But minor setbacks aside, I'm really having the impression that she's coming more and more to terms with it. It just takes some time.

    I'd count that as positive. I don't regret for a second that I told her!
     
  4. SolitaryKnight

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    So far in my family I'm out to my mother and one of my aunts, and its gone very well. I knew my mother wouldn't take it badly and my aunt treats me just like she did before. While I don't believe my father would overreact in any way, I just can't gauge what he will say when I tell him. He has a knack for saying the worst thing imaginable, even though he doesn't know it (ie, when I left my master's program in Ontario, we were driving to get presents for Christmas, and I remember it was quiet and then he said "I'm disappointed with you." I mean, I don't think he understood why I had to leave - but thats a whole other story)

    Anyway, mother took it well, father doesn't know yet.
     
  5. Zumbro

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    I'm quite in the middle of this right now. They found out last week, and it didn't go so great. My dad tried to convince me I wasn't gay or depressed, and my mom accepted the depression and completely denied and ignored the sexuality issue. It was what I expected from my catholic parents though, especially having had the opportunity to see their reaction to my only brother coming out 3 years ago (I became the favorite pretty quickly...)

    That said, I think you already know how your parents will react. You've known them for a long time. Mine didn't disown me (of course, the grandparents will never find out. They're crazy christian. Like, Birthday Cake for Jesus crazy), so I'm putting it in the plus column.
     
  6. Ander Blue

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    I'm out to both my parents as of this past Christmas break. In fact, I told four parents xD Dad, mom, step dad, and step mom, hehah. They all took it well. My step parents have been the most understanding it seems, and they're the ones that make me feel the most comfortable with myself. My dad is good, but we're both pretty quiet so having too many conversations hasn't happened yet. My mom, well she told me she was fine with it, but we have some problems already established on the back burner that quickly pushed aside my whole coming out to her. She has been telling my relatives like i asked though, so i think she's okay with me
     
  7. grapevine fires

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    I came out to my mum officially a little while ago… now my whole family knows… but they accept me, which is good.

    Everything went well…
     
  8. jazzrawr

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    My mom took it totally well. She cried because she cries a lot, but she wasn't upset. She actually loves that she has a lesbian daughter/bff. :grin:
    I'm her insider connection into the gay world ^.^

    I haven't officially come out to my dad, but I'm pretty sure he knows. It's kind of obvious. XD
    And he's fine with it.
    I'm kinda lucky.
     
  9. Zume

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    I already posted my story so it may be known how my parents reacted..but I will repeat it here...

    My mom was raised a 7th day adventist and so I hesitated on telling her but when I told them they were both together in the same room so it was faster. My dad seemed ok with it and had been a supporter of gay rights for a while prior (which I hadn't known but that made it easier with him). However, expectedly, my mom was upset about it and even this far down the road she still has problems with it but is coming to terms with the reality of me being gay.

    I think judging from my own experience and other's experiences, unless your parents are heavy into religion it shouldn't be a big deal. Good luck with whatever you decide, James. :thumbsup:
     
  10. nickmc

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    Well I put on the survey Out to both-went well Mum took it really well and dad's reaction was... well silence. He didn't really (and hasn't since) ever addressed the issue again which although isn't a BAD reaction, I wouldn't say its been great.
     
  11. Soofdope

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    I was terrified when I told my parents, but to my surprise they were both okay with it. My mum wasn't too happy about it, I think, but only because she thinks my life is now probably a bit more difficult than it would have been if I were straight. She hasn't really talked to me about it since I told her, which is fine by me; that's just who she is. My dad asks me about my love life every now and then and sometimes wants my opinion on the hotness of a certain girl/woman. Kind of embarassing, but I really can't complain. :grin:
     
  12. Swamp56

    Swamp56 Guest

    I originally thought I was bisexual and came out to my mom as that. She sat down and just stared at the wall, and then asked me questions. She told me she still loved me; I think she was mainly worried about me not being accepted by society.

    She didn't do anything when I told her I was gay except say "ok".

    I told my dad I was gay months after I told my mom (I told my mom not to tell him, and she didn't seeing as they barely see each other (divorced)). I was talking to him on the phone trying to explain that I was going through a lot. He kept asking me what was bothering me, and I blurted out "I'm gay". The first thing he said was "I still love you". It took him about 2 weeks to fully adjust and be comfortable with it. He's very supportive of me overall.
     
  13. Nodnarb

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    I'm out to both, and they took it well. Looking back I should have known that's how they would be, but at the time I was terrified. I think part of it was that I had scared them into thinking I was about to tell them something terrible and awful, so when they found out the truth they were relieved (not that I recommend doing that to your parents:wink:).
     
  14. Harve

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    Out to mum as of 24 hours ago - she seriously couldn't have taken it any better at all, had no difficulty discussing it, no awkward silence or anything. I was trying to pick faults in her body language and stuff to try and decipher whether she really is uncomfortable about her having a gay son but it was obvious that it was a complete non-issue to her. Remarkable considering this is in the UK's capital of inbreeding and narrowmindedness.

    My dad on the other hand.... he's a dairy farmer living the same life as all his dad's before him etc., i'm not planning on coming out to him anytime soon.
     
  15. Otsuke

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    Oh! I told my parents and my sister all together last year with the psychologist. My mom and my sister cried because they knew something was going on and they were waiting for me to say it (they were proud) but my dad kind of freaked out. He said I was a shame, and him too, by the same occasion ... that he had always wanted a sportive guy but he had had an artist instead and blabla. It's a normal reaction ... but now, more than one year later, he talks about it now and then... ^^ ...

    I knew he wouldn't love it, but i'm still lucky he didn't kick me out of the house haha.
     
  16. Jim1454

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    I fully expected them to be accepting and supportive, and they were. But it still took me months to get around to telling them - even though my wife and I had separated for reasons we hadn't shared with anyone. We really do make it a bigger deal in our heads than it usually is in reality.

    Good luck!
     
  17. Sylver

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    So to summarize the poll results at this point, if I give "1 point" for each parent's reaction in either the "good" or "bad" column, here's what the EC stats say;

    Good experience coming out - 92%
    Bad experience coming out - 8%

    So this tells me that the odds are overwhelming that I'll have a good reaction from my parents when I come out to them. I know that each situation is unique and I may know things that could make a good reaction more or less likely. My point would be that if I were to ask you what kind of reaction you expected before you came out, it would probably be a very different story. These numbers tell me that in most cases it goes far better than we expect beforehand - the fear is usually worse than the reality.

    Thanks everyone - it's just more motivation for me to finally face this challenge! :thumbsup:
     
  18. paco

    paco Guest

    my parents both said they knew already, my dad was sorta lying though, he kinda freaked out for a couple days, but then when he realized it wasn't going to hurt the family he was fine.
     
  19. s5m1

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    I thought my parents would react badly and held off telling them for a long time. I was completely wrong. They were fine with it. I think our fear is usually much worse than the reality.
     
  20. Phoenix

    Phoenix Guest

    Well I'm out to my mother only because she's the only parent I've ever had. But I expected her to be supportive and naturally she was. I mean this is the woman who goes to pride parades for fun. Lol. So yeah she loves gay people and I knew she'd be good with it. I'm lucky to have someone as good about it as she is.