Came out to Staff

I work as a resident advisor at my university, and the whole residence life staff is very friendly. Today the staff of every building met in a conference room for staff training before the spring semester.

Our last session focused on social justice, and so we had a special guest come and lead us through different exercises with issues of identity. Our last exercise was called the walk of privilege, where we all stood even on a line, and the leader would read statements regarding identity, such as, "If you've ever had to go hungry or miss a meal because you didn't have enough money, take a step back," or "If you commonly see people of your gender in leadership roles, take a step forward." By the end of the exercise, all the straight white males were in the front, the people of color or poor women were in the back. Most of the women and I were in the middle.

After the exercise, we were free to lead ourselves in a discussion. A guy of color that I think is cool was very angry at the denial and ignorance of the privileged members of the staff, and his words were very passionate and sparked a lot of heated but honest dialogue.

I felt so alone as the only guy in the middle of the room, because aside from my sexual orientation, I probably would have been at the front of the room. My brothers would have been in the front, and would have expected me to be up there too, because I'm not out to my family. I wasn't exactly out to the resident advisors either; I was out to maybe almost half of them, though mostly just the women. I continued to tentatively raise my hand, but most people simply interrupted or didn't notice. Finally, a girl I was previously close to had her chance to speak and was very passionate as well. She ended her turn by saying, in tears, "Now [Markio] is going to speak because he's been raising his hand for the past twenty minutes!"

I came out. I just said, "I feel so alone, as practically the only guy in the middle of the room, and one of the only few people here who isn't straight. Even my family wouldn't be here [in the middle] with me." I kept pausing because I was having trouble speaking while trying not to cry. I choked a bit, laughed at the fact I was choking, and continued with "It's like I want to be at the front, l want to feel guilty for the privilege I have and be up there, but I can't. I can't fit in. I'm here in the middle, away from everybody that I love. Why can't we all be level on the line? F**k the line."

The dialogue continued, and afterwards a (very straight) guy came over and said, "come here," and we hugged. No one seemed annoyed at my sharing, but whatever, I don't really care how other people react, because it's their problem now. I'm now out to all the resident advisors, and I don't have to worry about who on which building staff knows and who doesn't. I don't about any "shoulder weight being lifted", but I definitely feel relieved.

 

Thanks for the comments, peoples. (&&&) It was scary, but later in the conversation, a girl toward the front of the "walk" added that she felt terrible that even other members of her family wouldn't be up there with her, because her dad is gay and in a relationship. I was glad that I was able to bring up the LGB issue, so that she could be honest about her family, too.