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I just came out to my wife

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by padre411, Feb 5, 2010.

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  1. padre411

    padre411
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    Howdy -

    I am an Episcopal priest, married 15 years with an 8 year old daughter. I have known I am attracted to men for 36 years but only got up the nerve to tell someone I was gay 9 days ago. In that time, I've come out to 9 more trusted friends and colleagues.

    This of course left my wife who certainly shouldn't be the last to know. I have been wrestling when to tell her trying to figure out if one time was better than another. My problem is that I've had knots in my stomach continually because of the awareness that she doesn't know this.

    I decided last night to tell her this morning. When I woke up this morning I changed my mind. While my wife went to the bank and I was hiding under the covers I decided enough is enough. I showered and got ready for the day. I thought about what to pack if I needed to leave. Then I went to the living room to sit on the couch and wait.

    She came home about 15 minutes later. As she came in I simply said "I need to talk to you." She said she needed to wash her hands so she went to the kitchen and then joined me in the living room. I began the conversation by telling her I began psychotherapy on Wednesday. Then I told her I needed to tell her why. Then I said "I need to tell you 3 things. First, I love you. Second, I have never been unfaithful to you. And third, I am gay."

    She looked a little shell shocked at the news. We held hands. She asked what does this mean and I said nothing will change for a while except for the fact that I'm not carrying this secret around the way I used to. She said the thing she is most afraid of is that we come through this and not end up friends. At that, I cried harder than I ever have in my life while we hugged each other.

    And from there we began the conversation. She said, like a few others, that this is not totally a surprise. For her it answered a few questions, like, why have I been so depressed and why is our sex life so difficult.

    I can say this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It was the thing I was most afaid of in coming out. And now it is done and there are no more secrets.
     
    #1 padre411, Feb 5, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2010
  2. s5m1

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    Mike, I know how hard that must have been for you. I have a great deal of respect for your courage. This will be a really hard time for you but you will get through this. Hang in there, cry when you need to, lean on us for support and please know you are not alone. Life will become so much brighter once you work through it.
     
    #2 s5m1, Feb 5, 2010
  3. Sicsemper79

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    Mike,

    My sincere congratulations. From what you said, I really sounds like you wife is a wonderful lady. I can't imagine how hard that was for you to say to her. From what you said, it sounds like she is going to be supportive in this, and I know that was a fear for you. I'd give you a hug if I was near you.
     
    #3 Sicsemper79, Feb 5, 2010
  4. LostandFound

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    Well done. Life will be extremely difficult but know that you did the right thing. Your wife is better off knowing the truth and you will be better off having told the truth. I hope everything goes well!
     
    #4 LostandFound, Feb 5, 2010
  5. Eleanor Rigby

    Eleanor Rigby
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    I can't even imagine how hard it must had been. Congratulations for having found the courage to come out to your wife.
    Take care of yourself, (*hug*) (*hug*)
     
    #5 Eleanor Rigby, Feb 5, 2010
  6. Jim1454

    Jim1454
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    That's incredibly powerful. You brought tears to my eyes. I certainly know how you have felt recently, and how you felt telling her that. Being able to do it and tell her that you've never been unfaithful was key.

    And yes - now you will both need to work on staying friends. Resentments can spring up left, right and center during emotional times like these. Keep talking to one another. Don't let things go unsaid. Work with a counsellor to keep the dialogue healthy and ongoing. That really worked wonders for us.

    I'm happy for you. That was the hardest one to do. But now, for every other coming out, you'll have your wife on side with you. Good luck!
     
    #6 Jim1454, Feb 5, 2010
  7. Phoenix

    Phoenix Guest

    It must have been extremely difficult to that, but I do think you'll be better off for it. Also your wife seems like a great and strong woman for handling the news as well as she did. Congrats on coming out.
     
    #7 Phoenix, Feb 5, 2010
  8. Bryan44

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    Congratulations, I can't even imagine how difficult that must have been. You have a lot of courage. I'm happy for you.
     
    #8 Bryan44, Feb 5, 2010
  9. Sylver

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    Wow. That took courage. I don't know where or how you found it, but you did it! My sincerest congratulations on taking a big step (the biggest step?) in your journey!

    I normally have a lot to say, but I'm just speechless right now...
     
    #9 Sylver, Feb 5, 2010
  10. padre411

    padre411
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    Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. I'm still a bit numb but I feel like I'm really breathing for the first time in a long time.

    Peace, Mike
     
    #10 padre411, Feb 5, 2010
  11. ArabMan

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    I never cry. Almost never. But your story brought a tear in my eye. Bravo my friend. I'd like to give you a big hug and to your so understanding wife. She sounds so awesome...
     
    #11 ArabMan, Feb 5, 2010
  12. Kevin42

    Kevin42 Guest

    I just wanted to jump in and give you my congratulation on coming out to your wife. I can't imagine the strength and courage it took for you to do this, but I am happy that you were able to find it in you. While I can't imagine what this must be like for you, I really believe that you did the right thing and as you take more steps out of the closet, you'll look back on this as a good step. There might be times when it's difficult and you regret ever telling her the truth, but it will all be worth it in the long run. Despite the fact that you are gay, you it is obvious that you love her very much - that love is the very reason why you could not go on lying to her anymore. Life is too short for lies, and our loved ones are too important to be lied too. Again, congrats for telling her. Also, don't forget you will always have your friends at EC to support you through everything. :slight_smile:
     
    #12 Kevin42, Feb 5, 2010
  13. seadog

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    Great Job, Mike! What a great beginning to the rest of your journey! matt
     
    #13 seadog, Feb 5, 2010
  14. EM68

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    Congrats on coming out to your wife. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to do. I never married. Great job!

    Just be there for her and reassure her how you love her. She is going to have her own 'coming out' process to go through. Over the next few days, weeks or months she may have questions she may want you to answer. Now take a deep breath and breathe. The numbness will go away. :slight_smile:
     
    #14 EM68, Feb 5, 2010
  15. dromadus

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    Mike
    There have been lots of stories on EC that show real courage and great wisdom. None outshines what you have told us. The brilliant people who have already spoken to you on this momentous thread have already said the things I hope I would have had the wisdom to say. I just want to wish you, your wife and daughter all the best for a happy life.
    Have faith, patience and trust God. Things will work out for you.
     
    #15 dromadus, Feb 6, 2010
  16. Lexington

    Lexington
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    In addition to heaping my congratulations on top of the others, let me also say what an amazing wife you have. The main reason we constantly warn gays from entering into straight marriages is that it spreads a personal problem outwards to other people. Your wife sounds like a major trooper, and if ever she needs to create an account here and share her own thoughts and issues, we'd be more than happy to have her.

    Lex
     
    #16 Lexington, Feb 6, 2010
  17. Becky1234

    Becky1234
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    You are a courageous person, but more importantly, a good man. I am sure it must feel like a huge weight has lifted from your shoulders. And you are fortunate in that your wife seems like someone who wants to stand by your side and be your friend through this journey. Congrats.

    Alison
     
    #17 Becky1234, Feb 6, 2010
  18. adam88

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    Me too. :icon_redf (*hug*)
     
    #18 adam88, Feb 6, 2010
  19. Mirko

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    Congratulations on coming out to your wife and taking that step and for being able to talk to your wife. You have a great supporter and a shoulder on which to lean upon if you need to. You have a great friend in her. You both are amazing. You for having found the courage and taken that step, and your wife for being so understanding and supportive.

    Things will work out fine! (*hug*)
     
    #19 Mirko, Feb 6, 2010
  20. Chip

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    Mike,

    What a wonderful story, and what an amazing person of integrity you are for taking the bull by the horns and facing your fear in telling her. And how fantastic that she is being so supportive! You obvoiusly chose a wonderful person, even if she does happen to be the wrong sex :slight_smile:

    Expect that, when she gets over the initial shock, there will probalby be some strong emotions (5 stages of grief, denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) and some serious soul searching and discussion, but there's no reason you can't remain wonderful friends. She should see a therapist if it hasn't already been suggested, so you'll both have the opportunity to have someone to confide in and share with about the issues of vulnerability, but it sounds like she's taking it a lot better than many wives do.

    Please keep us informed how things are going!
     
    #20 Chip, Feb 6, 2010
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