There are five stages in the grieving process as described by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. The final stage is acceptance. Before that come stages such as anger and denial. It is Monday afternoon. I came out to my wife on Friday morning and was amazed at how well she took the news. I new also that there would be some anger in her process at some point. This happened Saturday night and was in full bloom by Sunday afternoon. The final straw for her was trying to sit through church listening to my sermon. The text was from 1 Corinthians: "By the grace of God I am what I am, and God's grace towards me has not been in vain." I saw that she left the service early so I got home as quickly as I could after the service ended. She was at the computer and I put my hands on her shoulders. She said outright that she was having anger issues. I said that she was entitled and in the ensuing silence I walked away and went to the bedroom. I needed to pack to leave in two hours for a 3-day conference. My wife is usally silent when she is angry but this time she followed me into the bedroom. She was angry about a lot of things but was at least naming them. She was angry that she has had to watch me decline into my depression for 3 years concerned and not knowing what was wrong. She wanted to know when I planned on telling the congregation. She asked if I wanted to leave now and start dating. She wondered what our sleeping arrangements would be when my Aunt comes this weekend. She wondered what in the heck I'd be doing in therapy anyway. My heart was breaking for her. She is also frightened. She is in school training for a new career and would not be able to support herself right now. I assured her that I had plenty of work in therapy, that I had no intention of telling the congregation and making changes until she is finished with school. The fact that a few people know and that I can talk to them as well as talk to you here will make the situation much less stressful than it has been. She finally said it was good I was going to be gone for three days. I continued packing and then had to go to the kitchen to get something. She met me in the hallway and told me she was sorry for being so angry. I again told her she had every right to be angry. We hugged and began sobbing together. Thank goodness my 8 year old daughter was at a friend's house during this. We went to Sonic for lunch so that we didn't have to face being in a restaurant. She started asking more questions. She asked me what I'd be doing in therapy. I told her I've hated myself for 36 years for having these desires. Coming out of that will take some work that I can't do on my own. She was shocked at this statement, that I could have hated myself so long. She said no wonder I've been so depressed. And she vented her frustration at the massively dysfunctional parents I had and the first priest I ever talked to who merely told me it was something I could control and that prayer would heal me. We've come through it with a deeper understanding of each other and a deepening care for each other. She told me she wants me to be happy and well and will do whatever she can to help me get there. All I could tell her was how sorry I am for putting her through this. She told me to let go of that because I have enough to deal with right now. I am really thankful for my wife. I'm also amazed at how unbelievably hard this is. I am thankful for the friends I have supporting me through this. I could not do it alone. I'm praying my wife soon find a network of her own to support her (I'm working on that with some help.) I don't know what I need other than to keep telling my story. Thanks for listening.
wow your wife is really supporting and I'm glad to hear your not leaving her until she's financially sound WELL DONE for telling her and GOOD LUCK
Mike, You obviously have been very blessed to have such a wonderful wife. She sounds like about the most understanding, caring, and loving person I could imagine. Obviously her anger is something to be expected and you have dealt with it like a real pro. Your love and acceptance of her feelings are every bit as important as her acceptance of yours. One thing that struck me after reading you post is that her anger seems to be mostly in defense of you, not directed at you. She seems angry that you had to go through this. She seems angry that the situation you were (and are) going through is changing her life. This is obviously very natural, however it is a real sign of her very deep caring for you and the family. As you know this is going to take a lot of getting used to by everyone. I continue to be inspired by your strength and hers. I hope you realize while taking this step and talking about it here on EC is beneficial to you, it is also inspiring to us. We are all dealing with our own issues and insecurities here. Your example gives the rest of us courage to take our own steps. Thank you.
She's doing a lot better than most people do. The anger sometimes lasts a lot longer than it did for her. Congrats so far and good luck to ya..keep us updated (*hug*) and thank you for sharing this with us.
In addition to what everyone else said (I agree with it all), I found your point about hating yourself hit quite close to home. I've just recently learned to not hate myself, which is something I know a lot find difficult.
Mike, I am sorry that you and your wife have to get through this. Fortunatly you both are wonderful persons, and you are caring a lot about each other. Of course you wife is entitled to be hurt and angry, but the main thing I see in what you have written is that she loves you and cares about you very much, and that she is a very understanding person. It's great that you have such a loving and supportive person at your side. And I hope she'll find supportive people to help her going through the changes that will come in her life. I wish you both the best (*hug*), Cécile
This is quite a process that you and your wife are going through. It sounds like you're doing all the right things - both of you. Keep talking. Keep sharing. Keep apologizing. You'll both get through this. Things will get better. My wife and I are proof.
