This is day 18 since I came out to the first person ever in my life. And let us just say that I'm a late bloomer and have been struggling with this and hating myself for 36 years - since I was 10 years old. At this point I'm out to 9 people and will have to hold there for a while. When I tell my congregation (I am an Episcopal priest) I'll have to be ready to resign. My wife is in school for 18 more months and I can't risk unemployment in the midst of this (It typically takes 8-12 months to find a new position in this realm). In the meantime, I'm doing a lot of work with a therapist as well as a spiritual director. I find that I'm starting over in so many ways. My whole being as well as all of my relationships (including God) have been built around suppressing this secret. I still can't believe the energy I have wasted in my life doing this. What amazed me at this point is how supportive my wife is. I came out to her exactly a week ago. She took it really well and was insistent that we get through this remaining friends (especially for the sake of our 8 year old daughter). Since then we have dealt with some appropriate anger on her part and the tears still flow when she contemplates having to start her life over as well. But what is amazing is the depths to which we are communicating at this point. My "secret" has always created distance between me and her. Now that there is no secret, there is starting to be real intimacy - not sexual, but relational. I am also fortunate to live where I do. I've been here six years and before that was in Texas. Let us just say that the Episcopal Church in Texas is a bit different than where I am now (can you say "conservative"). The grace is that I am in a place where gay clergy are welcomed and supportive. If I had tried to come out when I lived in Texas, there would have been no one nearby to talk to. I would have been completely isolated. At least here, I have a network of gay colleagues who are supporting me through this journey. Given where I was 25 days ago there is much to celebrate and I am certainly less anxious than I have been in a long time. I know there is much that lies ahead but at least now it seems possible, even hopeful. The primary work I have to do at this point is to come to accept being gay as a gift and not a burden or deficit. I am doing some reading on my own and this is the focus of my work in therapy and spiritual direction. I can't say I'm jumping for joy that I'm gay yet but I am moving in that direction. There's nothing earth shattering in any of this but thank you for being a community in which I can share everything that is going on. Peace
Mike, Obviously over the last month some big time changes have happened for you. I am very happy for you that all of this has gone so well so far. There will be bumps in the road, but you are going to come through this for the better. You know that now. As you are also aware, one of the bumps that you are going to face is the fact that you now have to be "openly closeted". You are out to your wife and a few friends. They will all keep your confidence, but it's going to get frustrating for you. You are going to experience guilt and other emotions because you want to go out and start living your life right now. Just make sure you are talking about that with your therapist and come up with a plan on how to deal with what is sure to come. After all, what is the point of coming to terms with being a gay person if you don't get to go out and find someone you can be completely yourself with and be intimate with (yup, talking about sex here)? I am sure all of that is a daunting thought right now, and I obviously am not encouraging you to go do anything you aren't comfortable with... just be warned... there will come a time, and soon, where you will be strangely comfortable with the idea. Be prepared for that. Congrats buddy! This is going to be the best thing you ever did.
You are right, of course. This is part of the conversations I'm having with my wife, my therapist and 4 friends who are with me on this journey. From my therapist's view, I come from such dysfunctional parents and have spent so long in self-loathing that I have no small amount of interior work to do. My focus will be on doing that so that when I am ready to tell the rest of the world I am also in a good place to be in a relationship. Thanks, JC
WELL DONE!! 25 days and look at you now, out to more people than I've managed to in two years GOOD LUCK MATE
Good to hear from you again Mike. Keep it up. The fact is - there's no turning back. So you need to make the best of it. And that's what it sounds like you and your wife are doing. Good work!
Mike, I am happy to hear that you are doing well and that you have a strong support system in place to help you through it. I worked with my therapist for several years to understand how the many aspects of my upbringing kept me from coming out and achieving happiness for so long. It is amazing what our minds can do! As you noted, you are starting over in many ways, but I view that as a positive. Perhaps for the first time, you can begin living a happy, fulfilling life, free from the inner turmoil that has tortured you for so long. Being gay can actually be a whole lot of fun!
I'm glad to hear that you seem to have a support system already. It's not easy but you're brave for coming out, despite the fact that it may be a little later than most, you've managed to do it and that's all that matters.
Mike, I am really happy that your life is unfolding as it should. What a wonderful woman your wife must be. I know that the Episcopal Church is struggling with the issues, but it is I think a better place to be than most others. At least in many places there is a genuine discussion between two sides, unlike the one sided conversations that occur in so many others. I wrote my M.A. Thesis on the "Ordination of Women to the Episcopal Church" so I have some appreciation of its encounter with social issues. I am sure you know (or know of) Bishop John Spong who wrote "Here I Stand: My Struggle for a Christianity of Integrity Love & Equality." He came to San Diego and was in a bookstore which was very gay oriented, and autographed copies of it. He actually spent considerable time talking with me. I think your church is one of the best for its social conscience, and wider interpretation of the meaning of a Christian life. If you 'come out' there, I am sure you will meet some threatened people, but I think you will encounter a lot of love and support as well. I hope you know that we are all standing beside you in support, with hope, love and concern, and the sure knowledge that what you are doing is truly important and great.
Hey Mike, I'm glad to see that you're gaining a little more comfort each day in your "new skin"! I'm particularly pleased that your therapist has broadened the scope of your therapy to include unresolved issues that go way back. By objectively analyzing my own coming out experience I'm starting to develop a theory as to why some people take considerably longer than others to come to terms with their sexuality, which I see as the essential first step in the coming out process. I believe we are born gay, and that we probably know it from puberty onwards, or even earlier. We may not know what to call it, but we know we're "different" from the others. But I believe that seemingly unrelated internal psycholgical factors play a big role in whether we choose to repress this awareness or embrace it, and for how long. I think people with low self-esteem take longer to come out. I believe it is because they are afraid of being judged by others, and are not well equipped to handle negative outcomes. I believe self-hatred is low self-esteem in the extreme, which makes it even more difficult, plus now you can actually hate yourself for being gay and bringing this whole mess upon yourself! That may be one reason it's so hard to think of being gay as a gift rather than a burden. I believe that people who come from dysfunctional families are predisposed to further troubles coming out. I especially cite families where love was absent and emotions were suppressed or not expressed. Children who grew up in these families become introverted adults who have difficulty being emotionally open with others. Revealing that you're gay to another person involves all kinds of emotions and in itself is a revelation of a deep inner secret, so if you're not used to sharing innermost feelings and secrets with others then it compounds the problem. And it's worse coming out to parents who were emotionally distant, because you're not used to being open with them about emotional issues. I think the "perfect storm" is someone who grew up in a dysfunctional home, has a bad relationship with their parents, is an introvert, has low self-esteem that borders on self-hatred, is unable to open up and share emotions with others, and is untrusting of others (i.e. borderline paranoia). I believe people like this can successfully hide in the closet for decades, unhappy the whole time but confident that the pain of lying and repressing who they are outweighs the fears of having to open up to family, friends and strangers about an emotional secret. You sound like you share at least a couple of these traits, and I can empathize with you. That's why I'd like to congratulate you for dealing with two aspects that are intertwined; your own sexuality and your closet of psychological skeletons. I think you'll have a better chance of finding true happiness as a gay man if you can address these in tandem. Anyway, just some of my thoughts.
You've clearly put a lot of thought into this process. I hope it serves you well. When I was in the process of becoming a priest, one of the psychologists that evaluated me noted that I had never done psychotherapy. He went on to say that I could not have had the family of origin I had and be as okay as I appeared to be. Surely, I must be hiding something. This added a year to my process of being approved for seminary. I did a year of Jungian analysis which was great. When we finished, Ernie said that he expected I would return to therapy in my mid-40's. I'm curious if he suspected I might be gay. He has since died so I cannot ask him. In my work with Ernie, we explored quite a bit of who I am and where I came from - everything except my sexual identity issues. What is comforting about therapy this time is that there is nothing to hide and nothing to fear that I haven't faced before. The journey continues.
