I came out to my band mates last night as kind of a joke... They all sort of know I was attracted to women, but had only ever seen me with a male lover. One was talking about how he was going to quit smoking, someone else said how they quit drinking, I said dryly, "Well, I quit men and so far I feel great." :lol: Everyone had a good belly laugh at it! When the laughter died down, a guy asked in a flirtatious tone, "so ah, how long's it been?" which made everyone laugh some more, and that was really the end of it. I never thought I'd be rejected by my friends, but it was just nice to have everyone know this important thing about me and not make a big deal of it. ***** This dream I had a few nights ago kind of flipped a switch in me. I was giving a blowjob. He said, "you don't have to do this." I replied, "you deserve to be loved." His penis turned into a red monster dick with a spiked piercing that cut my mouth, and the guy turned into a deformed zombie who was going to kill me. There was a lot of symbolism to indicate an amalgam of different men I had been with that I won't get into for their privacy... I backed away screaming while he rose up to come after me. Then I woke into another dream, I was in my room thinking I was awake, holding the piercing from the previous dream, contemplating it. Then a woman began to materialize in the doorway, a blonde in a sexy costume, laughing... she was like a ghost that wasn't supposed to be there. It terrified me and I screamed at her to go away, then woke up for real. This ghost will never leave me alone, and will never fully belong, until I acknowledge it. I can't really analyze the male portion of the dream... I think it was kind of a subconscious shock-therapy I gave to myself. I am a lesbian. I could over-analyze as to why I have always been with men... there have been many reasons, not the least has been caring about someone and wanting to make him feel good... Maybe I was bisexual, but I know now who I am, at this moment. Who knows how that may change in the future, but for now I feel pretty solid on what I desire, how I feel aligned in this world.
The dream I had just before coming out 18 days ago was about coming out to my father. It didn't go well in the dream and certainly won't go well when I tell him. He can't even say the word gay. His euphemism is "sin." I hope that EC is a helpful place for you. It certainly has been for me.
Seeing your age on the left would mean your father is probably coming up on his seventies if not older... I know how difficult it can be to even think about coming out to an older, closed minded person. My grandmother is one of those "think of all the unborn babies that were saved by shooting that abortion doctor" republicans. I just planned on never letting her know, I only see her once every two years anyway. And there's more than my sexual orientation to divide us, her being a southern baptist christian and me being a tree-loving heathen. I don't know how your relationship is right now, but your father must mean a lot to you to want to tell him about your true self. Here's hope and good vibes that his love for you will override his misconceptions, even if it takes a while. (*hug*)
