Ouch

Wow, all I can say is just stay strong!
From the looks of it, you two will get through this together in the end.
She will find someone to talk to, it's just going to be hard to find that someone.
But either way, best of wishes :]

 

This reminds me of what it's like for the first number of days after a major surgery. You know the surgery was necessary and it will help in the long run, but the immediate days after are filled only with pain and with doubt. There is little healing taking place during this period, so it can be very hard to see what coming through this might look like. You and your wife just went through major surgery and right now it's hard to envision a happy place down the road. All you can do is stick with it and trust that the final outcome will be worth the anguish you're both suffering right now.

Somehow your wife needs to find her own network of support to see her through this. There's lots of advice around these forums about developing our own support networks before or as we come out, but this is precisely what your wife needs. Are there any LGBT resources in your community that might be able to help? We have something called the Rainbow Resource Center here in our city, and they offer one-on-one counseling not only for gays and lesbians but also for their families who are in crisis. She might also benefit from an LGBT-friendly therapist. I think she needs to be interacting with a real person who has a vested interest in helping her through this, and while your moral support is imperative, I don't see how it can only be you.

I don't feel qualified at all to offer you advice, but I really do feel for her, and compassion alone tells me she needs as much help through this process as you do - if not more, because she didn't ask for this to happen.

In the meantime I'll offer you all the hugs you can possibly handle (*hug*)!

 

Your wife sound likes she needs sometime to talk to people and to you about all of this, but that she needs to figue out what she thinks and needs to do first. Well thats my take on it anyway. Good luck to you both I hope things work out.

 

I'm going through something pretty similar with my male ex-lover... we love each other very much, we had been friends for a long time before we ever hooked up and moved in together. After I told him I didn't want to be with men anymore, there were a few days of harsh jokes too... we would still cuddle and kiss a little bit, because I felt like I was hurting him and I wanted to make him happy, and also it was nice to be comforted by a dear friend... he would walk around the house without his shirt on accident and then make a comment like, "oh sorry, you must be disgusted by my body." or, "I wish I had breasts." It was so difficult to make him understand that his body has always been beautiful to me, and that doesn't change. I don't quite understand it myself. Since I moved out at the beginning of this month things have gotten better, but he still is having trouble accepting me and letting me go. No real advice here I guess, just saying I know what you're going through.

 

as my friend sez, READ KORT'S BOOK. I took his advice, and praise the Lord, the book is so chock full of insights it brot me to tears time and time again. It was ASTOUNDING how a guy, KORT, I never met could have peered into the depths of my soul so piercingly. It is an awesomely wise tome for any one. If Kort took the GAY MAN out of the book he'd sell millions of copies as the truths he describes and exposes are universal. I'm about to read it a second time. After reading it the first time I did further study concerning the archetypes that make up our Maleness. Then my next step in recovering from years upon years of repression and denial will be to follow Kort's footsteps to the Mankind Project. Once I accomplish that I hope to have my feet under me sufficiently to figure out what to do with my marriage of 25 years this June. Good luck! matt

 

Unfortunately, Coming Out is like plunging into a dark tunnel (in most cases). It's unknown. You've grown up thinking you're straight, then realizing you're not, and now you have to face the music (the darkness) which is entirely unknown to you. You're not sure how people will react, so they can seem like monsters in the darkness and you may feel paranoid at some points (ie: Do they know? They totally know... I'm going to lose my friend/family member. etc). But as soona s you have support, lights start cropping up and being lit and the tunnel's darkness gets lighter and lighter... until practically everyone in your life knows and then you surge out of the tunnel fast and free with support backing you.

Sorry my analogy is weird...

But I can understand what you mean. When I came out to my male exes, I had a couple of them ask me if they did something wrong or if they were horribly unnattractive etc. And they weren't. I just... didn't feel for them as I do for women.

 

Just remember how long it took you to accept the fact... give her some time. I recognize the feelings well, and I know the hurt of feeling that you are hurting her. I have been through very similar stories. There is a group in the US called "straight spouse connection" (in the UK it is "straight partners anonymous") who offers support and advice that your wife might find helpful. I know that we read a lot of books on the subject when I came out and my wife attended the SPA meetings for some time.

 

As far as I can tell, you're doing everything right. So give yourself some credit for that.

This is going to be a difficult time for both of you. You do need to go out of your way to reasure your wife that you love her and care for her and that you'll support her in any way you can.

I have to disagree with Chip a little here... I would reasur her that this ISN'T her fault.

While Kort might suggest that both partners are to blame for a gay man ending up married to a straight spouse, the straight spouse would have to also acknowledge that themself. So while I totally agree that we (the gay men who married straight women) aren't totally to blame for the situation, I see little benefit in trying to convince our straight spouses that they are partly to blame as well. (I do believe that they are partly to blame - but likely in ways that are too subtle for them to perceive or were totally subconscious.)

Instead, I turn to society at large. It was society that conditioned us (the gay men) that we really weren't gay, or shouldn't be gay, and applied the pressure for us to 'conform'. And it was society that conditioned everyone (including our straight wives) that everyone was (or should be) straight, and therefore there really wasn't any 'screening' of spouses required - all men were straight and eligible partners. By thinking in these terms, I off loaded some of the guilt that I was carrying around onto 'society'.

And certainly through my recovery work, I've learned that I can't change the past even if I wanted to. All I can do is accept my situation for what it is, and make the best of it. And that also helped me overcome the guilt. Even if I considered my actions as having 'robbed' my wife of years of her life, there wasn't anything at all I could do about it. All I could do was make the most of it by being the best parter / ex and the best father to our children that I could be. And for me, that meant staying sober and really feeling good about myself as a gay man.

And while it hasn't been easy, and I've not been perfect, I think I've done a pretty good job.

Good luck. We're here for you.