Hi everyone, This is my first post on EC, but I've been a long time reader. I've found the site hugely valuable reading for me over the last few months since I discovered EC. And it's really helped me begin to clarify my own thoughts and feelings, and also to know that I'm not alone in going through this all. Bit of a generally disastrous Valentine's Day and mad 24 hours have resulted in me kind of coming out to a friend and I would welcome your advice and thoughts of my story so far! But before I tell you about my horrible day a bit of background on where I am at the moment... I've talked to a couple of people previously and told them that I'm been going through a fair bit of confusion about my sexuality. Both (one guy and one girl) were each interested in a relationship, but in each case I didn't really feel that the time was right to get into anything and each time I think I've used my current turbulence to push them away and I've barely spoken to either of them since telling them. I guess if I'm honest with myself I've had doubts about my sexuality for quite a few years, but I've pushed them away and forced myself to believe that I'm straight, and that at some point I'll wake up and fall in love with a girl and everything will be ok! However, over the last few months I've began to accept this is part of me, it's not going to change. And as I've started to accept who I am I've started to become aware of the guys I meet who I like the look of! Last week I met a guy who I've realised I really like (this is a huge step for me to admit that!) and although I've seen him a few times at work I've got no idea if he is interested in guys nor if he might be at all interested in me. Anyway, that's a brief bit of background, but what I'm actually meant to be describing is my rather horrendous Valentine's Day... The day really began the evening before, when I was going out with a number of friends on a sort of pre-Valentine's trip. During the course of the evening it was made clear to me that one of my female best friends had actually become interested in me, and asked via another person if I was also interested in them. I passed on a message, again via this other person, that I only saw us friends, and no more. My friend was pretty upset about this, and although I really would have loved to talk through it all with them then and there, it was not really possible in the club and although I could have talked with them later, I chickened out (I didn't really know what to say) and we both went home and I think both had a pretty miserable night. The next day (today, aka Valentine's Day!) I saw the same friend in the afternoon, but surrounded by other people I wasn't able to talk to them until much later in the afternoon. Throughout the afternoon I was surrounded by friends, who she had all told (before me!) that she was interested in me, who kept saying I needed to talk to her, and I was asked several times if I was sure I didn't have any feelings for her. Eventually we were able to get some time alone, and we finally were able to have a conversation. After telling her that I saw us only as friends, I eventually plucked up the courage to say that the reason was that at the moment I'm really not sure where I am sexually, and again (deep breath!) told her about the guy that I'm interested in. Although she was supportive and she is happy for me to talk through thoughts and feelings in the future, I still feel like I am being held to blame for the events of the last 24 hours and not properly talking to her when I first became aware she had a crush on me. So all in all, a bit of a weird Valentine's Day involving an unexpected (to me, but seemingly not to most of my friends) crush from a friend and a group of mates all thinking I'm an idiot for not wanting to go out with her, and not talking to her properly. Along with quite a lot of guilt for not dealing with the situation better. So not quite the ideal way to come out to one of my best friends. Anyway, thought I'd share this story on here and I'd welcome your advice or thoughts on anything written above! I'm not too sure where I'm going to go from here. I don't feel the time is right yet to come out to other mates yet (and I'm not entirely sure if I would be coming out as bi or gay anyway!) but I feel a little closer to that step every day. I'm hoping things will all start becoming clearer over the next few months and years! Thank you so much for taking the time to read all the way down here (if you've made it this far), and thank you once again for all your stories that you've posted on EC as well as to the creators of this wonderful site, for creating a safe haven were we can support each other online.
It has taken me 37 years to get to where you are. I'm glad you're on the road to self-acceptance now rather than later. I've known I am attracted to men since 10 years old so I've never had to consider the possibility of being bisexual. It seems like you're doing what you need to be doing. That's not to say it will be smooth sailing but the key is to be the authentic you. peace,
I think you need to be congratulated for (at least) two things - maybe three. You need to be congratulated for taking the first steps to accepting who you really are. I am convinced from my own process and from the many others I've read about here that "coming out to yourself" is a necessary first step in your journey. It will open the door for you to discover the rest of your true sexuality and to start sharing your truth with the world. The second thing you need to be congratulated for is coming out to your friend - that is monumental! Yes, it's a little quirky how it happened but every situation is unique and every person comes out in different ways. The main thing is that you were being honest with her, and it sounds like she accepted it. No lie you could have manufactured would possibly have carried more credence than the truth. You did both her and yourself a big favor. And don't bother with feeling guilty about how this happened. Frankly if I were writing my own script for your day, I would have done exactly the same thing as you did. I think you handled it exceptionally well, and you even made some unexpected progress too! Take each experience for what it's worth and look to the next one. Now you get to that complicated phase where you're out to some and still hiding the truth from others. That's where I am right now, and I can totally relate. Rather than offering specific advice, I'd say to just take them one at a time. If the opportunity presents itself again and you're comfortable expanding your "out network" you can go for it. If you need more careful planning for telling some of the people in your life, then take all the time necessary to do it right. The only timeframe you're under is your own. Last but not least, congrats for finally getting up the nerve to join EC and post your thoughts and experiences. Not only will it open you up to advice and feedback from a wonderful group, but you're story will be able to help others in similar situations - I know that's one consequence that makes me feel good!
Congratulations for reaching this point in your life Intact and full of Hope. My concern is for these words highlighted above that you have written. Being held to Blame? For what? Taking the time you needed to become honest with YOURSELF about your feelings, and in a world where people still find it difficult? I think that this may be a subtle form of persecution in its own way and I caution you not to let it affect you. People come out in their own time, and in their own way, and do not owe anybody anything for not doing it 1) quicker or 2) it easier on others. It was hard enough for you as it was. Don't hold yourself accountable for the emotions of other people you might not be able to reciprocate. I've been there myself and it is NOT FAIR. Come out to your mates in your own time and way. But be aware coming out to anyone may mean that the information will get passed on. Its part of the deal. And if you come out as bi, know that you are leaving some hope to members of the opposite sex that may be unwarranted if you are not. So don't do it as a cushion or cover if it is not real. You have already done the hardest part. Only be bi if you think that may be real (although you are entitled to think so if you really do.). Stay real by remaining honest with yourself. I join the others in congratulating you on a hard decision. Know that Empty Closets is a place you can come to for advice, support, friendship and understanding. In turn, you will be able to pass that on to others. I salute your courage and applaud your efforts. :eusa_clap
Hallo, and welcome to EC! Your story sounds quite similar to what I went through. For most of my youth, I kept hoping I would just wake up straight one day. Which was a strange thought, because I didn't allow myself to consciously think I could ever be non-straight. I think it's the whole conflict between thinking gay thoughts and denying them at the same moment that kept me confused for so long. But the good thing is that once the mental clouds clear away and you start admitting to yourself that you aren't straight after all, everything clears up pretty quickly. There might still be some confusion left, but you'll notice it only becomes easier from now on. I wouldn't consider your Valentine disastrous. You did the right thing and found the courage to tell someone! It might not have been what she hoped to hear, but now none of you have the wrong expectations. (I can tell you that's way better than what happened the last time a girl crushed on me. I ended up leading her on for weeks before I got the courage to tell her the truth) Of course, your friends might not see it that way, but they probably also just want you to be happy and can't see why you're not taking the obvious road. They'll understand when you eventually tell them. Of course, now comes the time to figure out for yourself where you are exactly on the whole spectrum of sexuality (and if you don't find that out immediately, that's no problem either. It's possible to just stick with "not straight" too. Labels aren't strictly necessary if you don't want to label yourself). And you'll know when you want to tell others. In any case, I hope that joining here will help you in this process! Don't hesitate to make threads or post if you want more specific advice on anything!
I've found it easier to just quote someone else as someone usually says what I was going to say anyways. I fully stand by everything said so far - don't blame yourself. Having a one-on-one conversation with her was the best possible choice to work it out. Sure, you're feeling mixed up, but that's normal when you're going through that questioning phase. I know I was.
