Even though I have come out still uncomfortable with sexuality

It's my opinion that most (if not all) gay people go through a stage of self-acceptance as their first big step. For some it's a breeze - they knew they were gay all along and they embraced it from the start. For others, like me (and possibly you), it's a very long and drawn-out process where you take a step backward for every step or two you take forward. For the past way-too-long I've waffled, repressed, broken free, then repressed again, then waffled some more, and on and on until dozens of years had passed without my making any progress whatsoever.

And then I finally thought that I had reached a point of self-acceptance, so I came out two years ago to my best friend (which went OK). Last year I came out to my sister and her family. Great! I thought I was out and everything was going to be peachy. Then I started to let it drift, and then this happened;

http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31917

It was the kick in the pants I needed to finally realize a few important things. For one, coming out isn't a destination, it's a continuous journey. As others have said on here, you never stop coming out, and while it gets easier, it's ongoing. Secondly, I realized that I had jumped the gun a little - I started coming out to others before I was truly comfortable with my own sexuality. There's nothing really wrong with that, but you need to be careful that you don't try and use coming out to others as a substitute for coming out to yourself - and I mean accepting wholeheartedly that you are gay.

I think this is where you might be (without knowing all the facts, so please correct me if I'm wrong). I think if you can step back and look at your life holistically you'll see that there are a number of places that will require attention or focus for you to reach "the promised land". One of them is being open with others about your sexuality. Another one is really getting comfortable with being gay yourself. You need to be able to look in the mirror and say out loud "I'm gay" without turning away in horror or shame. You need to be able to say it to others without feeling ashamed or guilty.

All of these will fall into place with time, with persistence, and most importantly with self-evaluation. Don't be afraid to look deep inside to see what you really feel about your sexuality. Be completely honest with yourself. Don't be ashamed if you don't like being gay yet or you're having trouble dealing with this realization - it's natural and it gives you an idea of what you have to work on. With time and by informing yourself about what it really means to be gay, you'll be able to acnkowledge and eventually like this part of you.

That's when it will be fun - yes fun - to open up to others about your sexuality. I can't believe how far I've come, because I now look forward to conversations with people about my sexuality. Now that I've really accepted that this is who I am, I'm no longer apologizing to people for being gay - I'm informing them of a fact. If they're interested in knowing more, I'm only too glad to tell them.

One more thing, if it helps, feel free to post some of those innermost feelings on EC. There's a great group of people here (especially the incredible advisors) who can help you through this in a very compassionate and non-judgmental way. I found that it also helps to say these things "out loud" (in Internet terms), because it lets me test my thoughts in a safe environment.

And finally, don't rush yourself. Take all the time you need to get comfortable with yourself, even if it means stopping coming out to any others for a while. It's a very different experience when you're coming out to others from a position of self-acceptance rather than doubt.

Have confidence - I know you'll get there!

 

Yes. I've been uncomfortable for a few months with my sexuality after coming out. Even though most of the comments I recieved that were supportive, I still would feel ashamed in some way. But considering the amount of internal homophobia and the amount of time (years) that it took to work through the feelings I had about the same sex, I think I did pretty good. It took a while to be able to watch the L word. THE L WORD! :lol: It wasn't because I was uncomfortable seeing two women kiss, but because of how I reacted to seeing that as opposed to seeing a heterosexual couple kiss.

Some of the internal homophobia I felt could have been a result of not wanting to break my mother's heart, who continued to remind me that I would meet the perfect man of my dreams, get married, have a few nice kids and be happy. Of course, I felt guilt even when I knew I wasn't straight and not out because those were her expectations of me. And if I didn't meet them, then her dreams would be shattered. But the key sentence is her dreams, not mine. I had to learn to push past that and realize I might break her heart momentarily, but that once she saw I was happier than ever, she would come around and want me to be happy in the end. Which she does. And she's gotten to the point where she's starting to ask about my dating life, and she reminds me that she loves me for me, gay or not. :icon_bigg

Another part of the internal homophobia I felt was as a result of wanting to be liked. I'm the type of person that craves acceptance. But I've learned that not everyone will like you anyway, so why try to 'fit the mold' for people who don't really give a damn? Now, it's taken almost a year but I don't care of I hug, give my gf a peck or hold her hand in public. People can think what they want to and if they're thinking negative thoughts then that's their problem and they need a life.

Once I could start to deal with these issues, and started slipping "coming out" into conversations... I began to deal with the traces of internal homophobia and stamp them out. And now I'm pretty comfortable with my sexuality. Sure there are times when I think "it would be so much easier if I wasn't this way", but they get less and less frequent as time moves on.

(*hug*)

 

Took me a few months too. You'll get over it in time.

 

they just haven't get used to it..
sooner or later everything will be just fine

 

Just start by getting comfortable with yourself and everything will go from there. Going back to my small town in the past looked almost impossible, but as I've gained confidence and got comfortable with being gay, I'm less and less afraid of what people will think and how they'll react. I'm starting to see it as more their problem than mine. It's funny how much one's perspective can change things!

 

In my case, I incorporated a lot of self-loathing and self-hatred in suppressing and denying my sexuality. That stuff does not magically go away on coming out. I am doing therapy in order to accomplish this.

The resources here on EC are very helpful with this. You might also look into what support resources are available in your community.

peace,