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Daddy's Princess

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Kat22, Aug 27, 2007.

  1. Kat22

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    Whoo. . .new dilemma. . .Sorry it's so long!!! If you can get through it and comment, you're my hero!!!

    Many of you know my background and history with my family, but for those of you who don't, here's a quick summary:
    I finally came out at bi this year, and now have a girlfriend.
    I have a few friends that know, including my two housemates.
    My mother-whom I have NEVER gotten along with-found out in a fight that we had, and is trying her hardest to make my life a living hell. She is the only member of my immediate family who knows. My grandmother-whom, ironically enough being as she is my mother's mother-I get along with amazingly and love with my whole heart, knows as well.

    Ok there's the dl for you all. Now about the title. My dad is basically my best friend. I really truly believe that there is no way the world can continue to spin and the sun to shine if he is not in my life. He's been a midwestern rancher since the day he was born, and is a bit homophobic. He never says anything to me about it because he knows I have a few friends who are gay. Now I hate to be that spoiled little girl who brags about how daddy gives her everything she asks for but. . .ah hell, yeah that's me. He is proud of the fact that I work hard at school and try to keep jobs to support myself so he sees no problem in helping out whenever I need.

    Now the dilemma. My dad and mom came to visit me. (I am in college, have my own home with two other girls, and live in a town about an hour away from them.) My dad knows that there is something I have done to "make my mom treat me the way she is." But in his eyes I am "healthy, happy, and unharmed so it can't be that bad." He won't ask me what it is. Which is what makes this even more painful. He knows that I will eventually come to him when I decide it is right. He told my mom that he was taking me to the bank to help me out with rent for this month, but he actually gave me about enough money for my books, rent, food, and anything else I might want for the entire semester! My mother is adding stress, so he may as well help take away some other stresses I have, he figures.
    Second, my girlfriend's exboyfriend knows and has decided to get revenge on me by telling everyone he can. Most people don't believe him, but I don't want it to get to my dad before I do.

    My girlfriend said that I need to realize I am "using" my dad by not telling him, which I guess could be true, but I am just not ready to tell him yet. I'm not ready to see the look on his face I already know will be there: disappointment, fear, anger at me, and anger at himself for feeling angry toward me, and confusion. I feel that I am being forced to tell him much sooner though, because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he found out by any other means than me.

    Thanks to all who have made it this far, I know it's a long one, but I would LOVE some advice!!!
     
  2. Hi Kat:smilewave,

    If you arent ready to tell your dad just yet, you simply arent and shouldnt feel pressured into doing so. If your girlfriend's exboyfriend is going around talking about your business, see if there's some way to do damage control because being no one deserves to be outed. See if you or your girlfriend could try to reason with him somehow, or something along those lines. It's really good that you have such a great relationship with your father, and this is going to sound cliche, but if you are that close he won't stop being proud of you and wanting to make sure that you are getting along well if you tell him. And I don't think that letting him help you by giving some money to try and alleviate some stress for you really qualifies as you "using" him. It isn't like you only like him because he gives you things. In the end, he may need some time to get used to the idea of you being bi. But since from what you said it seems like he loves you alot, he couldnt take a position on it that would hurt your relationship for too long.
     
  3. Jim1454

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    I agree with Emperor - I don't think this will change your relationship with your father as much as you think it will, based on how you describe your relationship.

    Is it very likely that a rumour being spread about you (well, I guess it's true, but it's still gossip if you're not the one telling it) is going to get back to your dad, who lives an hour's drive away, on a ranch? I wouldln't think their circles of friends (your girlfriend's ex and your dad's) would overlap at all. Although, at the same time, it is a 'small world'. I suppose you might have reason to be nervous about that.

    What I can't understand is why, if your mother is really trying to make your life a living hell, hasn't told your dad about it to drive a wedge between the two of you? She obviously respects you enough to keep this in confidence - for some reason.

    Good luck!
     
  4. Kat22

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    I think she realizes that if she were to tell him now, it would be more outing herself. If she tells him, she is admitting to my dad that she was black mailing me and judging me for doing the only thing he has ever wanted me to do: be happy. If I tell him, however, she sees it as she won't get in trouble, but I will, due to I have been lying to him by omission.


    Also, about the circles of friends overlapping. We have a ranch, we don't live on it. It's about 2 hours away from where I live, so my dad commutes a couple of times a week. My girlfriend's ex is telling people first about it at his place of employment, which up until this year I had worked there 3 years. I have a few family members, including my little sister, that worked there with us and continue to work there to this day. Also, his little sister and my little sister are very close friends. One of the girls' dad from the place is also a rancher, so him and my dad talk often. The town I grew up in is about 8500 people and the town I live in now is about 5000 during the college school year. So yes, the circles overlap. . .a lot.

    Thanks for your advice thus far guys, I really appreciate it. I'll keep you posted on the "outed" status!
     
  5. Jim1454

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    Ok - well the likelyhood of being outed by this jerk is higher than I thought.

    I think you're probably playing into your mother's hand though... You've NOT been lying by omission! Recognizing and accepting and admitting to others that you are bi / gay is not something that you do lightly - so it's going to be understandable that you didn't tell your dad the instant that you thought you were. I think if you explained this to him, he'd understand.

    Then you'd be able to tell your mom that 'the gig is up!' and that this isn't something that she can hold over your head any longer. If it's' bothering you that much, it could be quite liberating - and allow you to focus on your studies that much more.

    Just some possibilities to consider...
     
  6. Zec24

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    You are definitely in a tough position. I was there about a year ago, well I didn't have a girlfriend, but I was still worried about being outed to my parents nonetheless. I went ahead and told them through a letter because we live about 10hrs away and I don't see them very often (I understand its hard to see why I would be afraid of being outed, but its complicated, just trust me on that one). My dad is the one I sent the letter to and I had a feeling he would react the best, and he did. He immediately emailed me and told me we could talk whenever it was convenient for me. My dad told my mom for me, she was upset at first and blamed herself for some reason, but eventually got over it.

    Why am I relating this story to you? Well I came out before I was ready, and initially it went okay, but things have not improved much, and I haven't talked to my parents about my "issue" as we affectionately termed it since Christmas. In fact they seem quite willing to ignore it and say things that lead me to believe that they still don't believe me and still think I'm straight. And, because I wasn't ready to come out to them and am still not in many ways, it hasn't been a very good experience and won't be until I find a way to talk about it with them again.

    In your case I would have to agree with Jim and say that you can't rush into this if its not the right time for you (although as he said it could be liberating). Unfortunately for you you have a person who is trying to out you and that creates a problem. I guess you can take Emperor's advice and try damage control, but I'm not sure how effective that would be at this point. Anyways, my advice is not really good and doesn't help you much except to tell you that you should come out on your terms and when you feel the time is right. However, this doesn't seem to be soley in your hands, so it may not go the way you hoped for. Just be prepared for whatever may happen and good luck. I'm sure your dad will be okay with it, you seem close.
     
  7. Kat22

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    First of all, oh trust me, I have learned that it doesn't matter how far you are away from the people you don't want to be outed to, it can still happen and it still is a stress.

    Second, you did help a lot. As awful as I know it sounds (I'm sorry!), just knowing that someone else has the same stresses and worries as I do helps. I have decided not to tell my dad until I am truly ready, but I realize that the chances of me being outed are much higher due to the fact that I probably won't be ready for a few years. If I am outed, I know that he will come to me first which will give me a chance to explain everything to him, before he believes anything, true or untrue.

    Finally, as a side note, I told another friend today! And while she was super excited for me, she made me realize how closed-minded the rural area I live in is. She's from a metro area in az. I asked her not to tell anyone, and well, here's how the conversation went:

    Me: Will you please not tell anyone, though?
    Her: What?! Why?
    M: I don't want people to judge me.
    H: Why the fuck would anyone judge you for being happy? In my town it's completely normal, and frankly, you wouldn't even have had to tell me. I already knew you two were dating. It's not like it's any different than my bf and I.
    M: Aww that's sweet, but here, it IS different. Tons of people judge me here! I've already lost 2 friends due to it.
    H: Get out! That's not even funny, Kat.
    M: No joke.
    H: Well, fuck them. They weren't friends anyway, then. (*hug*)
     
  8. Zec24

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    Congrats on telling another friend. I'm glad that went well for you. It always helps to have those friends that will stick by you. Glad I could help to some extent, even if it is only the fact that you know your not alone in what you are dealing with. Don't worry its not awful that your glad other people are going through the same thing. I think thats a big part of EC, that we all have some very similar experiences and hopefully some of us that found a way to deal with those experiences will share their knowledge and help encourage the rest of us who are still struggling.