For years I have been trying to convince myself that I was not gay and was living in my own private hell. This past summer I had a lot of time to think and I realized that I had three options. Be depressed for the rest of my life, get married to a girl and try and live a straight life or come out. Option 1 I figured would just result in me killing myself or coming out at a later date, option 2 was a possibility but I could never do that to a girl I would supposedly love and in the end I'd probably just come out anyway. So before leaving for college I decided that this would be the year to come out. Around November I realized that the lies I had built up were no longer working as well, and it was getting harder and harder to keep up the charade. So, I began by telling old friends, people who I was once really good friends with but I never see anymore. I also decided to come out after Christmas to people I was close to now. So, when I returned to college in January I told some of my closest friends. They basically treated it like I had told them I was left-handed or something. It was great. However, since then it's been kind of frustrating. I've been slowly telling people but my life hasn't been changing in any significant way. I think that over Christmas I thought that by this time I'd be happy, outgoing and have a boyfriend. And yet I'm nowhere near any of those three. I feel very lost, not really sure what to do next. On top of that I'm slowly losing my hair and I have this incredible fear that if I'm bald no guys will ever like me and I'll just be that sketchy bald guy at clubs. Because of all this I feel like I've completely missed my opportunity to be out and happy.
Well, coming out is a big step, and not an easy one. But it is just the first step on a journey. One which will lead you to more happyness and possibly a boyfriend and outgoingness. It will still take a bit of work to get there. However, in life it's about the journey, not about the end I think that your goal was a bit optimistic in the first place. Coming out takes some time to sink in for all involved. From Christmas until now is slightly under three months. I'm not saying that there aren't people who suddenly become more outgoing and find a boyfriend just weeks after coming out, but they're probably a small minority. And i might indicate they just took the first one that came along. Which isn't all that healthy relationship-wise. Becoming more outgoing takes some time though. For myself, I can say it took the better part of a year to really have a big effect. After coming out, I just kept hanging out with my friends, enjoying them knowing that I was gay and not caring. As I got more used to that, my deep-seated inhibitions against just speaking freely and talking about myself really loosened up. And from that, it got easier and easier to talk to people I know less well. It's only in the last few months that I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of being more outgoing. So it's a matter of small steps. It took you some time to come out, so it's not realistic to imagine your life turning around in just a few months. But even if you don't see it now, you're getting there! What might also help is checking out if there are any local GLBT organisations you could join. Does your colllege have one of those? It's stressful to go at first, but you're bound to meet some people there that you'll have fun to hang out with. And they might introduce you to new friends and hang out with you. It's only by opening up ever more and by being out to people that you'll meet new people. As for balding: don't worry too much! If a guy doesn't want you just because your hair is thinning, he probably wasn't the guy for you anyway! There's plenty of nice guys out there that look past that or even think baldnes has a certain appeal. Never give up hope of being happy and out. I've been there myself, but looking back, I can tell you: things do get better! (*hug*)
i took option 2, thinking my affection for guys would fade or wilt over time. "ding, ding, ding" You made the right call. I know how you feel thinking that you missed your chance to be you during your youth. I know my mantra should always be "the best is yet to come." not always easy, that one. Cheers.
Your situation is eerily like my own (even the balding part! ) My life has barely changed since I came out in the last few months. In fact, I don't notice a difference at all. What has changed are very subtle things. I am slowly becoming more outgoing, and hanging out with friends has become infinitely more fun because I know that I don't have to keep part of me bottled up. Basically, just be yourself now. Be conscious of what mental blocks you have had in the past and know how to change them.
I took option 1 for 13 years, option 2 for 15 years the last 3 of which have become a hellish version of option 1. I am now embarking on option 3. What I know is that in addition to the "exterior" work of coming out, I have some "interior" work to do as well. Coming to see myself as loved uncondtionally, and not in spite of but actually because of my sexuality (and perhaps even my baldness:icon_wink), is an ongoing process. How are you doing with the inward part of your journey? The outward is directly related. peace,
The thing is, if you don't consider your sexuality to be a huge part of who you are, coming out isn't going to do anything huge to your life. You're still going to have to make an effort to be outgoing, and to get help with that depression. You just have one less thing to hide behind now.
The inward journey is definitly taking some work. The next step I think is opening myself up to the possibility of having a relationship with a guy. Being that intimate with another guy is a little frightening. But at the same time, I can't wait for it, it's the middle bit that's the hard bit:dry:. It's frustrating though because I have to learn things I should have learnt when I was 13. Like how to ask someone out for example. After I posted I realized that I need to start breaking out of my comfort zone more and more. There are times where I'm tempted to just post my sexuality on Facebook and get it over with like a band-aid, one motion, right out. But, I don't want my family to find out by rumour, I'd like to tell them face-to-face.
Coming out is rarely a rapid process. For some people just the act of telling itself is very freeing and releases the pent-up feelings, but for others, it's just a first step along the way. My guess is that, while you've told some closer friends, it's still a little bit "unreal" to you, and that's part of why you haven't gotten to where you want to get quite yet. The real freedom comes when you no longer really feel the need to come out, but are just so nonchalant about it that it doesn't matter when/how/if someone knows. And for most, that takes a lot longer than 3 or 4 months, so I guess I'd say just experience yourself each day and have some patience with the process. The other thing is really loving and embracing yourself, and I think that, too, takes time after being closeted -- and in self-denial -- for so long. Learning to really love yourself -- physically and emotionally -- makes a huge difference in being outgoing, and in being able to put off the right energy that will attract a healthy boyfriend. I'll mention my favorite book again because I really think that anyone coming out, and really, just about anyone gay, can really benefit from the many insights it offers. Get yourself a copy of "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" by Joe Kort, and take the time to read it. It's horribly misnamed; it isn't just about love and relationships, but will do more to help you understand yourself better and be more happy and in touch than just about anything else you could do. Lastly, the sad reality is that there's a segment of the young gay population that is incredibly shallow and ignore people who don't have "perfect" looks. But the good news is that very few of the people who think that way are people you'd want to be in a relationship with anyway; people who wouldn't give you a chance because you are bald are people who are shallow in other ways as well, and really aren't worth your time. One of my good friends has been balding rapidly since his early 20s. (He's about 26 now.) He has a wonderful, caring, and very cute boyfriend, and they have been together for almost 4 years and are quite happy together. And I know many others who have relationships that are based on meaningful connections rather than physical appearance, so I'd suggest you work on learning to love yourself as you are, rather than seeing one aspect as a shortcoming. I hope that helps.
