A few hours ago I came out to Mum. I finished hand-writing my coming-out letter (http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33862) to Mum while she was out today. As I told you before, I was planning on coming-out to my eldest sister first and showing her the letter, but when Mum arrived home something felt 'right' about the time. I think I read on some other thread here that once you have written the letter you will know when the time is right. Anyway, I sat down with Mum and told her I was gay. I actually said 'I'm gay' first; I'd practiced that a few times when she was out today. It was actually confronting to say it at first and I had to say it over a few times before I felt confident to actually do it to another person. After that, I told Mum about the letter I'd written her and how I wanted her to read that first before she told said anything. After she read it she cried and told me that she thought being gay would make my life harder, but that she still loved me. She also brought up a few of the common stereotypes of gay men, such as promiscuity and the hardship of developing long-term relationships. However, I did tell her these are just stereotypes and studies had shown a massive decrease in promiscuity in gay men since the 1970's/early 1980's, which is the time when she socialised with a lots of gay men (I can't remember where I've heard about these studies, but I'm sure I have). Most surprisingly, she told me that she had never guessed I was gay or even had any suspicions. What I found interesting was that she told me that the only relative who had ever had suspicions was my late grand-mother, who once asked Mum is she thought I was gay (Mum said no). I'm a little bit upset I suppose that the only relative who was perceptive enough to guess about me being gay is dead. To sum up I'm not sure whether coming out to Mum went good or bad. It wasn't as good as I expected; I think a lot of this was I had convinced myself that she must have guessed and that I would get a 'Well, duh, I was wondering when you were going to tell me?' response (well, not exactly in those terms but you get what I mean). However, I suppose it also wasn't as bad as it could have been either. My only worry is that now me being gay could turn into an 'elephant in the room' situation like Filip described of his situation in another thread.
Congratulations!! I know it might not feel like it right now, but this is a big step! don't sell yourself short! Also congratulations on saying "I'm gay". It's seriously hard to do that. It seems like she took it pretty well, so you picked the right moment! I'm reminded once more of my own story. When I came out to my mom (one year to the day today, in fact), I remember having that strange sensation of not feeling all that much. I told her, we talked a bit, and that was that. No big show of acceptance, no big scene, no big shouting match... and it turns out that she didn't have the faintest clue either. I remember feeling a bit numb... But, here's the thing: even if it wasn't a scene from a coming-out movie, now she knows! you don't have to hide. You can occasionally drop the odd gay comment. If she has questions or concerns, she can talk about it with you. And if you want to discuss anything, you can just try to bring it up. It doesn't need to become an elephant in the room unless you let it. And you can use the fact that one person knows as a springboard to telling other people. the first coming out is always the hardest, but it gets progressively easier from here. Seriously, you did a good job. It just might take some time for the situation sinks in, but things are better from the "out" side. (*hug*)
I am soooo happy for you!!! (*hug*) You went about this exactly right - and you did it!! Now take a deep breath, step back, and let it sink in for a few days. Without me having the benefit of having been there (which would have been awkward ), it sounds like your mom took this quite well. I think this is how it usually goes. You have all the basic elements in play; (1) she loves you no matter what, (2) she has questions and needs to rework her understanding of homosexuality, and (3) she sounds like she's willing to work through it. That is pretty much the equation for a positive long-term outcome. You're surprised that she was surprised by this? I'm not sure that matters in the scheme of things. Many parents will "suspect" but then push it back to the point where they don't even suspect that they're suspecting any more... it's the amazing power of denial. But again, coming out is about a better life going forward, not looking backward, and everything I see is very positive. And it being the "elephant in the room"? Naw, I don't see that. You've shared something very personal with her, and now she's in on it which invariably draws her into some of the world that you've been living these many years. If anything this is going to elicit even more compassion and understanding from her. She's on your side now! The important thing for you is to step back and take it all in. Don't rush to make this an opening of the floodgates. If you're anything like I was after coming out to my parents, you're probably feeling all kinds of emotions right now and many of them won't even make sense. Give yourself a chance to get used to how this new reality feels. You actually hold the key in your hands - "you will know when the time is right". This is equally as valid going forward. So let's get the party started!! :eusa_danc
Congrats Adam! I'm happy that it went well for you! Coming out to a parent is one of the most difficult things you can do, in my opinion. Give your mom some time, and she might lighten up about it.
Congrats! I just read the letter and it was pretty amazing! Kind of wished I had written a letter instead of the multiple awkward conversations that I had with my mom.
...And HEEEEREE IS YOUR BRAND NEW TOASTER OVEN! *Plunk* Sorry, I had to. Congrats. :icon_bigg Welcome to the realm outside the closet. ride:
Congrats! Keep us posted on any developments. Also, I couldn't find the studies you describe in my Google searches just now, but I did find this interesting piece that questions the integrity of studies involving promiscuity among gays.
