Came out to my kids today

What a huge step. I don't know what to say about feeling like you are breaking up the family except to say I know exactly what you mean.

Kudos,

 

I don't really have much to say, just that I'm sorry you and your family are having to go through this very, very difficult situation. It sounds like your wife is supportive of you though, and that you still have a good relationship with her, so this at least should help to make it somewhat easier on your kids.

 

well done my friend, you seem to be very wise and are taking things in seemingly the rght direction, good luck

 

Wow, that's a big step. It seems like you did all the right things though. Sounds like you have a wonderful family, and I think in the end things will be just fine for all of you.

 

You did the right thing Chris. Eventhought now you feel like your breaking up the family, in the the long run it will be the best thing to do. You are going to live close by so you will still be able to be in there lives. The kids have their own process to go through just give them time to adjust.

 

Chris, my heart goes out to you and your family tonight. Coming out to your kids has to be the bravest thing a father could do. I am in awe of how you and your wife have handled this process with such integrity and courage. When your children are a bit older and have developed some life experience, they will understand what tremendous parents you two are and how difficult this was for you.

If you have not already done so, I recommend you read the book, “Families Like Mine,” by Abigail Garner. It was written by the daughter of a gay man and offers insight from a number of grown children whose parents were gay. It has several chapters devoted to coming out to your kids and how they deal with it once you do.

Below is some information from the COLAGE website, that you may find helpful, if you have not already visited that site. It is an organization for children of lesbian and gay parents.

• Kids' responses are going to vary. Some may need some time and space to process the information on their own. Some might have a million questions. Others may barely react at all. No matter how your kids respond to your coming out, honor the process that they need to go through for themselves.

• Listen and ask your children what they already know and feel about LGBTQ people. Both as a starting point for them to have a discussion about sexual orientation; as well as in regards to suspicions they may have had about you.

• Don't think that coming out to your kids means it's time to have "the big sex talk." Explain your sexuality in age-appropriate ways and in ways that they can understand. Talk about having feelings of love, care, and concern, along with attraction, for the same sex. If you are involved with someone and feel comfortable sharing this information, it's a good idea as you will be explaining your feelings for someone your kids know. Another person makes the whole thing more concrete and less abstract. (See "What Does Gay Mean" in resources section)

• Think of this as a lifelong conversation, not a one-time deal. Your children's thoughts, feelings, and questions will continue over time and change as they get older. This month they might not care, next month they might be mortified, next year they may have lots of questions. Keep the conversation alive; the tricky part is avoiding them feeling like you want to talk about it ALL the time (but believe me, that's better than not enough).

• Let them know that no matter what, you love them. One of the main things kids worry about is that you will no longer share the common interests that you used to, or that you will somehow be different than you used to be. At the time of coming out some parents do go through what we fondly refer to as a "second adolescence." Let your kids know that you are happy and are enjoying a new aspect of your life, but that no matter what, they are your number one priority. And then prove it to them by being consistent, attentive, and communicative.

• Help break down stereotypes of gay people for them. If your children already know other gay people draw comparisons between you and them. If they don't, tell them things that may seem obvious to you, like not all gay men are hairdressers; give examples of famous LGBTQ people who they can look up to. They may be concerned that your whole personality is going to change now that you are gay; reassure them that you are still you - being gay is simply one more thing about you and that there is no one way that all LGBTQ people must be and act.

• Give them options of other supportive adults to talk with. Sometimes it's easier for kids to express some of their feelings with another adult because they don't want to hurt your feelings. If one of your parents, siblings, or friends is being especially supportive or there is another adult that you trust, arrange for them to spend time with the kids to provide a sounding board.

• Your kids may be gay. They may be straight. Either way, it's not a judgment on your parenting. Nor are they doomed to a life of loneliness and desperation and homophobia (if they are gay). Be as supportive of your kid's orientation as you wish your parents were of yours.

• Respect your kids' wishes about how, when, and who they come out to about you. Let them tell their friends, peers, and others at their own pace and in their own time. Recognize that now they too have the joy and burden of coming out.

• Most importantly, connect them with other kids who have LGBTQ parents. Studies show that when children know they are not alone and have opportunities to share with other kids with LGBTQ parents, they have fewer problems. Go to events with your local LGBTQ family group if there is one, go to Family Week co-sponsored by COLAGE and Family Pride Coalition in the summer, buy books for them about gay families, have the kids join the on-line discussion groups run by COLAGE, become COLAGE members so your family receives our publication Just For Us, or sign them up for a COLAGE Pen-Pal. Just let them know they are part of a community that cares and understands. They are not alone. Millions of other kids have experienced what they are now going through and there are ways that they can connect to this caring community of peers.

Hang in there!

 

hey, that is amazing! what a huge step! I know it might be hard right now, but it good that your wife and you are now getting along and you aren't moving far. I really think it will all work out for the best. Congrats!

 

Chris, if you have any doubt that coming out to your kids was the right thing to do, here is a letter from a kid whose parents stayed together. I have read similar accounts from other kids whose parents chose to stay together and hide it from their kids. Here is a link to the site where I found this letter and where you will find others, as well.

http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/

Her father’s sexual orientation is the “elephant in the living room.”

Q:
Three years ago, my sisters and I found out my father is gay, but not because he came out and told us. My youngest sister (11 at the time) found some incriminating evidence, and put the pieces together. Since then, there has been a mutual understanding between my mother and father, and my father and us, that he is gay, but our family will remain intact. We have never sat down together to actually discuss the situation, we all just know it’s there, but don’t discuss it. It seems to work for us, but being 25 years old, now living in a different city and looking back at the situation, I see how it may be affecting myself and my sisters.

I have always had some issues with trust, but since finding out my father is gay, they have only gotten worse. At first I thought it was simply finding out that this male figure in my life had a totally different life, but now, I’m realizing it may also be about my parents staying in a marriage that is so clearly not working, all the while giving the illusion that nothing is wrong.

My impressions of true love, marriage, and truly trusting someone have been rocked to the core. I am still close to both my parents and love them very much, but can’t help thinking they’d be happier separate. It also seems that my father is seeing other people (men) on the side, but my mom is entirely devoted to him and would never cheat while still married.

So my questions are these: Is my parents’ “elephant in the room” marriage healthy for me and my sisters (ages 18 and 15)? Do many families do this? How can I examine my own trust issues and figure out how to come to terms with not only my father’s orientation, but my parents’ denial?

A:
Yes, some married couples stay together when one of them comes out. Just how many, we have no way of knowing. I can only say anecdotally that I hear from plenty of straight wives trying to “make it work” with their gay husbands, but I can only think of a handful of straight men who have wanted to stay married to his wife after finding out she was lesbian.

You might never know why your parents have decided to stay together, or what arrangements they have worked out regarding relationships outside of the marriage. There really isn’t much you can do to improve their situation.

You can only say your piece with no expectations. You might say something like this: “Mom, Dad, I love you very much. And even though we have never talked about it, I know Dad is gay. The silence hurts me. I need to talk about it. If you are staying together for the sake of your children, I want you to know you’re not doing us any favors by pretending everything is fine when we know you are unhappy together.”

They will probably get defensive and tell you that it is none of your business. And technically, they’d be right. But there’s no denying their choices affect your life profoundly. (I’m often told my opinion on this topic is harsh.) If they challenge what their marriage has to do with you, ask them to describe what kind of relationships they hope their daughters will find. Do they want you and your sisters to follow in their footsteps? Will they be proud of the values they passed on to you if you end up marrying a closeted gay man and you stay with him no matter how miserable you feel?
Say what you need to say — just once — and then leave it alone unless they bring it up again.

As for your sisters, you don’t need your parents’ approval to speak openly with them. Share your feelings with them and let them know you are open to talking to them about your family. Model specific and respectful language, so they will know how to talk about it if/when they want to. (Example: “I know we all know Dad is gay” instead of “I know we all know about the stuff Mom and Dad are dealing with.”)

Your own questions about intimacy and trust won’t be answered right way. Find an understanding counselor who will allow you to explore issues related to your father’s sexuality without insisting that you fixate on that single issue.

The biggest hurdle in sorting through everything is denial. You’ve jumped that hurdle by being honest with yourself. That’s a great start.

 

I hope things move in a positive direction. It seems you are treating it very maturely and appropriately.

 

Again - good job Chris. This might get worse before they get better, but you've started down that path and you really are headed in the right direction.