I came out to my bishop Friday afternoon. My wife was in on the discussion. If you're wondering "why in the world?", here's the link. All was well after the meeting. I knew things were going downhill at bedtime when my wife went to sleep in the guest room. Saturday morning, after she got home from giving blood, all hell broke loose. I hadn't cleaned up the kitchen yet, which I should have done the night before. When I walked into the kitchen, she started screaming at me: "everything has always been about you," "I've been your maid for 15 F-ing years," "go ahead and tell your brother, you've told everyone else." This went on for about 15 minutes with various cabinets slamming and our daughter in the living room. She hit me as I started to turn away. After that I stayed as far away as I could. I decided that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross needs to add a 6th stage to the grieving process: hate. As I thought about it, I realized that every step of progress for me is a step towards an ending marriage for her. The obvious problem is that there is nothing I can do about this. I cannot go back. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. This morning at church I made sure she got communion from someone besides me. After fixing lunch, I went to Starbucks and worked. I came home around 4pm and took a nap. Later she came into the kitchen and said she was doing better. She talked to her sister last night so now I am out to at least some of the inlaws. The initial reaction was apparently pretty bad but has calmed down today. I am raw and exhausted. My friends Gary and Jim, who have been through this, warned me this would be a roller coaster. I just had no idea. Thanks for listening,
I'm glad that so far nothing of that kind has happened to me. I mean I'm not married, but I have been lucky so far. I'll keep you in my prayers, brother
Mike, I'm sorry you had to go through that. It may be helpful to know that the Kubler-Ross stages are not always sequential, nor do people always permanently leave one stage and move on to another one; sometimes there can be considerable shifting back and forth. My guess is that when you and your wife went to the bishop, that made the "realness" of the situation a lot more deep for your wife; there may have been a part of her that still was in the bargaining stage ("Oh, well, he may be gay, but perhaps he will decide to keep this under wraps and we can continue living as we always have") By going to the bishop, you effectively shut down the "bargaining" that was going on, and the underlying rage that's part of anger came back up. But anger is actually very close to grief; anger is often a cover for fear, which in this (and many other cases) is a fear of loss, and acceptance of that loss leads to grief. So while i'm sure it was just terrible to experience, and made you feel powerless (since there's nothing you can realistically do to change things) I do think it is essentially removing some of the last pieces of the denial that's going on, which I think will lead to a deeper understanding and acceptance. It does sounds like she's got a pretty good understanding of herself, and that she doesn't stay angry, both of which are good. I wish you the best.
Hi Mike. Sorry you have to go through this. Like you said it is one step closer to the end. She is also going through her own 'coming out' process and like you said she has her own grieving process. The only thing that I'm concerned about is the fact she hit you. I don't think its ever acceptable for any physical contact ever. If you ever feel that you are in danger you may have to consider your options. Be careful and be safe. (*hug*)(*hug*)
I'm so sorry about this Mike! (*hug*) In fairness, you knew that this wasn't going to be all smooth and easy... it couldn't possibly be, because it's a major change for everyone involved and change is by nature very difficult. The roller coaster was bound to happen, and it's probably not over yet. Hate is an expression of anger, so it's still one of the 5 stages. She's taking out her anger on you, and that had to be expected at some point. I've invariably found that those people who skip stages of grieving are just burying things that need to come out, and they will rise to the surface eventually. It's inevitable, and it's better sooner than later so you can both move on. You must know that she doesn't actually hate you for this. Just be strong and hold yourself together. These waves of anger will pass.
wow that sucks, hang in there buddy! you're nearly through, just listen to the advice of people a lot older and wiser than me and you'll pull through, good man
Yes indeed - a real rollercoaster. I'm most sorry that your daughter is witnessing these outbursts. That has got to be very unsettling for her. I didn't always do a good job either. Know that you're wife is really on the edge right now, and that not much of anything is able to tip her off that edge. So cleaning up the kitchen would really be a good idea. Buying her a card that tells her how much you appreciate her, or how sorry you are for hurting her might be appropriate. Keeping the conversation going about what the next steps are is also important. And her having someone to talk to about this is critical, so I'm glad she has opened up to her sister. You're right - there's no turning back at this point. You need to keep focussed on making the best of this situation. Good luck!
