this summer will mark 4 years since coming out to my parents (more like my dad asking me, me not wanting to lie, and then him pushing me to tell my mom) immediately after telling them. i did not want to talk about it with either of them at all, since i wasn't ready to do it at the time. my dad was fine with it though. my mom was upset. and ever since that summer, her and i haven't spoken about it since, but my dad and i have, and we've actually gotten closer from it. lately i've thought about talking to my mom about it. my dad has told me that she tells him sometimes that she thinks i'm just going through a phase. that was a little bit hurtful to hear, but kind of expected. i'm not really sure what she thinks of it now, or if she thinks of it, as opposed to just trying to forget about it. my thoughts on this were to definitely not bring it up randomly, or if she's in a negative mood. any thoughts?
If it's been 4 years and she still thinks it's a "phase" then it might be time to help her wake up and smell the coffee I'd suggest perhaps gently bringing it up -- create an opportunity to do so if you want -- and just tell her that it's important to you that you speak about the "elephant in the room" and ask how she feels. Then do your best to listen without judgement, understand where she's coming from, and share your own thoughts. You may not get an instant change, but if you make it clear that you've thought about it, and you've been thinking about it for way longer than the 4 years she's known, and you'd like to talk about it so she can understand your feelings... I think that will go a long way. You most likely won't get any immediate change. It sounds like she's spent 4 years in denial. But you may push her past the denial into the next stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.) And that will be a good thing. Keep us informed, whateveer you decide to do.
prior to her recently visiting me at school, that was pretty much my exact thought process on how to go about it. however i didn't see any opportunity to bring it up when i hung out with her that day, so no progress yet. and like i said, i'm not sure what she thinks of it now. and i don't know how long after i came out the last time she told my father her opinion about it. for all i know she could have accepted it but just still didn't speak about it. of course i'll never know until i do something. right now i'm in no rush to though. and you're right, i wouldn't expect an immediate change from her if i did bring it up
I would bring it up again - tactfully. Go with Chip's advice to get her to understand your feelings better, but also go into this with the objective of understanding hers. I'd try to get her talking about her feelings on this. If you're comfortable enough in your sexuality to handle it (and given the strength of support from your dad), gently get her to reveal the truth behind her avoidance of the topic. Tell her to be completely honest with you, just like you were with her - tell her that you can take it. But reassure her that your objective is to build an even stronger relationship with her. Parents are such suckers for kids who want a better relationship with them! Once she starts to reveal what's really going on in her mind, you can start a dialogue towards resolution. You can't fix something if you don't know why it's broken. Let her say what she has to, and stay true to your word - don't pass judgment on her. Once you know what's at the core of her avoidance you can read up on how to address it, or even come back here to EC and ask for some advice. There is no reason for her to languish in this state and there's no reason for your relationship with her to suffer indefinitely as a result.
agee. maybe even tell her that this little issue you two have won't stop you from loving and appreciating her!
