I wanted to make a post here because I think it would make me feel better being able to talk about it a little. I've known for a long time that I wasn't into girls. The problem was that I was a high profile athlete in high school and college and I didn't want everyone knowing my business. I'm the kind of person who values my privacy but more importantly would rather blend in than stand out in this aspect of my life. So for all those years I lied to myself, friends, family and I pretended to like girls. I dated a little, would talk to my buddies about girls, and would hook up occasionally in college. I couldn't risk it and I suppressed all those feeling inward and beat myself up inside. It was so hard knowing that I was different from all these people around me that felt "normal" feelings. I eventually left my team because of an injury. I think I was releaved in a way that I didn't have to compete anymore as a D1 athlete. The pressure was intense and just knowing that if my sexual orientation leaked I could face a lot of troubles, really took a toll on me. I'm the kind of person who likes to think I am strong and able to ignore my issues, but that is only temporary. It always comes back and every problem in my life manifests from this aspect of my life. I would make myself feel horrible for finding guys online to meet up with. I felt like a scumbag for having to discreetly make posts online and sneak away at night. It's a lonely feeling not having someone close that you can talk to. So lately, years after I left my college team and graduated from college, I am still hiding from all those feelings. I'm 23 years old and i'm getting to the point in my life that I have feared for a long time. The point where I don't want to pretend like everything is ok and where I know some people are going to have to know. I have a really close best guy friend who I do everything with. And I have thought about telling him some things because he is very open to me about girls and his feelings. I was just really worried that he would react in a way that would change everything and I would suddenly be friendless. Sometimes I act awkward and depressed around him and I am sure he knows that something is up and when he asks I usually just lie and brush it off. But the other day I felt like I needed to say something and if we are going to be friends he needs to know. I was sick of having him open up to me but me just retaining what he says and never sharing my thoughts or feelings. The day after we went on a double blind date with two girls I sent him a text saying that I think we need to talk about something tomorrow. He insisted that I tell him then. Before I knew it I told him that I had confused feelings about guys and girls and that it was very hard for me to talk about. He asked if we should talk tomorrow and I said I don't know. He replied that he could give a s*** if I liked her or girls and not to worry about that stuff. We chilled the next day with some mutual friends and did the stuff we normally do. Neither I nor him brought it up. I told him but I haven't talked to him about it. I told him during those texts that I only want him to know and nobody else. I am sure he could sense my embarrassment and fear. I feel like we have this awkward tension now and i get the impression he feels like we cant talk about it or something because it is hard for me. I dont really know what to do. It was huge for me to tell someone like this because we are very close. But it is kind of disappointing that he isnt there for me to talk with about it. Maybe I should just be releaved he understands and isnt feeling deceived after all those years I faked being straight. But at the same time I always listen to him talk about his girl problems (which is a lot of problems) and I am always there. How should I be reacting to this? Thanks.
First off, Hello and welcome to EC! (!) I hope you stick around! On to business though. I don't really understand your logic, so I'm going to pick out a few sentences to examine, and being late, It'll be short, and likely a bit blunt or over-exaggerated. Sorry! Good! Your friend knows something is wrong! Yay, friends! That's pretty normal. You're good at hiding your feelings, and it's hard to open up to even your best friend. Yay for you! You told him! Also, he was willing to talk to you, and help you through some things best he could. Good friend! (!) Your friend is respecting your wishes here! Yay! Rather than making the situation real awkward by outing you to your other friends, he kept your secret until you want to talk about it. Don't forget about it for one. If you let it slip back into the closet, you have to come out all over again. It's rough, but it's worth it! ಠ_ಠ And we were on such a good streak. Your friend is completely willing to talk about it if you want, but he's waiting for you to initiate. It doesn't have to be in person. You could text, IM, or call him. Hell, you could even use snail mail, but don't say he isn't there for you. You have to make the effort though, because he won't do anything more than offer. He probably feels bringing it up before you do will make you feel awkward or ashamed. Anyways, welcome to EC, and I'm normally not this blunt, but I do have to wake up in 5 hours for work, so my apologies! It'll certainly be interesting to hear the stories of a D1 athlete as you continue your process, and I think you'll run in to quite a few nice surprises on the way. I don't know if there are any other big athletes around here, but a few of us have experience with Fraternities, which falls pretty high up on the scales of being a boys club like sports teams. Ask anything, and we'll do our best to help! (&&&)(!!)(*hug*)
I found when i was coming out to friends, that a large amount of them were fine with it, but they didn't realise that i wanted to talk to them about it. Give it a little bit of time to see if he starts talking about it sometime, and if he doesn't then don't be frightened to bring it up, as said before, a lot of my friends weren't trying to ignore the issue but simply didn't know if i wanted to talk or not.
ps. i would do a fancy quote system like the post above me but unlike him I'm fairly useless with this forum...
Thanks. Yeah, he is a very good friend and I trust him. I know I made the right decision because if I kept quiet it would just keep building up and I would feel more and more guilty. I guess I just can't believe I said something to my friend about it. I was prepared to keep it in forever or years from now. I didn't mean to say/make it sound like I'm disappointed in him for not being there to talk. He is there to talk anytime and he is usually very up front and initiates whatever is on his mind. So when it comes to this I think he is backing off a little and maybe letting me try to figure it out. Can't tell you when I'll be ready to bring it up again. I've kept it in for as long as I've known, I am in no rush. The weird part is that there have been so many moments where I could have told him face to face over the past few years and it would have been fine and maybe more eye opening, but I resort to doing it with three short texts while at work. I can deal.
Haha you think a few short texts at work are bad? i texted my mum at 4am while drunk by accident! It is now a family joke...lol
Hey man, welcome to EC!! Wow, you sound kinda like me. I was on a sports team when I was at community college, and then when I transferred to my University, I joined another team and competed as a D1 athlete as well. Believe me, of all people, I know it's weird as shit when you're on a sports team with a bunch of straight guys who you don't think will accept you or think differently of you. In my experience, all the guys I've told have been nothing but supportive and happy for me. Telling your friends is great, and whenever I did, I always felt like a weight was lifted from me. But then, the next time you see them, there's a huge fucking elephant in the room. So, you have to talk to them. Grab lunch, go out for a drink, whatever would make you most comfortable. Even if they say something like "it's kool, nothing's changed", tell them "well, maybe nothing's changed for you, but I feel pretty different with you knowing". That's what I did when one of my friends said that, and he understood and then after we spoke together, he knew what I was talking about. It's not always easy, but then nothing worth doing ever is. I also used to think that I could keep it in forever. That blows and it eats away at you like crazy, please don't do that. After I told my first friend I thought "holy crap, did I seriously just ruin my whole plan?" But it's not a good plan and I'm glad I broke my resolve in that situation. I graduated a year ago and I still hang out with my friends from my team every weekend, and some of them I only told a couple weeks/months ago. You'll be surprised at how strong your bond is. Your comraderie with them when you guys were competing is what they'll remember most about you, not your sexuality. Here, I don't know if you know about this, but I found out about this project after I graduated. It's a portfolio of a bunch of openly gay high school/collegiate athletes. I'm not in there, but it's really inspiring to see everyone: http://www.fearlesscampustour.org/Home.html Good luck man!! Great to have you in the community!! David
Firstly, welcome to EC and congrats on coming out to your friend!! Secondly, it sounds like he's there for you. If and when you wanna talk about it, just bring it up. It will be awkward at first(Trust me. I just went through the same thing), but after you start bringing it up more and more, both of you guys will get more comfortable with it.
Hello, and welcome to EC. :welcome: Personally, I don't think it's strange at all. We're similar in that we very much value our privacy and are very introverted. From my experience, I've told most of my closest friends through AIM or texting, or they found out through friends whom we hang out with. Both methods achieve the same result; your friend received it very well, so you shouldn't let that aspect of coming out bother you so much. Your friend is respecting your wishes. I'm sure he understands the severity of your situation, and he'll be ready to talk whenever you're ready. He's really waiting for you to be in that place where you can comfortably talk about it with him.
I agree with most of the above posts. Your friend probably doesn't really know what to say, so he's waiting for you to bring it up again. His dismissal of it isn't a sign of his feelings, he's just trying to respect you and make you feel as comfortable as possible. But congrats on making the first step. I'm sure it was extremely difficult, but you have made progress and done something many people (myself included) are probably far from doing by admitting your confusion.
Hey man, I'm a D1 athlete currently. And I'm in business. So I'm kind of in the same situation.. but I feel like there never will be an okay time to come out at all. I don't want to hurt my career later or my friendships now. Its hard. I have met one guy (online) in the exact same situation as me. But he lives real far away, I wish we could just meet up! Let me know how things go, and maybe we could talk some time.
