Already, so here's the shortened version of a very long story: My parents were divorced when I was six and my dad disappeared as a positive role model in my life. I was raised essentially by my mom and one of her sisters, and am the only male on her side of the family, as well as the oldest child in my generation. I am the one who is supposed to be the perfect one: being the first to graduate from college, get married, have children, live happily ever after. Well, since I could remember the kids in school would make fun of me, accusing me of being gay because I HAD some feminine tendencies growing up. Could I help it? Nope, no male role models what so ever to try to act like: my step-father was a great guy, but we were never close. I always denied it, just wanting to be normal, thinking they were too small minded to see that I was just a different type of straight guy. I became obsessed with proving myself to everyone that I was worthy of being friends with them: wear the right clothes, play sports, chase girls, treat/view woman as sexual objects, I even had a long-term girlfriend. About a year ago enough was enough. I had always been attracted to guys, attributing it to the fact that I didn't want them sexually, I just admired their traits and wanted them for myself: they had nice cars, awesome clothes, six-packs, great teeth. I even convinced myself that I was checking out their dicks to see how compared and was just jealous-----that's why I was looking. I decided to stop denying things, and explore so I could FINALLY know. Well, I met some gay friends, went to a few clubs, and after letting my "straight" guard down started to realize that I love who I am, and am strong enough to say that I am a bisexual male. I do still like woman, I enjoy sex with them, but men are also a possibility in my mind. I told a few close friends, ones that I knew were gay/bi/lesbian friendly and would be supportive----they have been GREAT. Well, I went home this weekend, left up a a dirty little site in full view on the comp when I went to bed. My mom found it, and I decided then and there that I just couldn't deny who I was anymore- I was tired of it. Like one of my friends told me, "It's better to be hated for who you are then loved for who you are not." I was sick and tired of walking around with some monkey on my back. My mom seemed outrageously cool with it. Then it all sank in. Her only son likes to have sex with men. She asked if I ever had, but in the middle of her teary breakdown I had to deny it because I felt so guilty. I actually live 1,000 miles away and she's demanding that I claim bankruptcy,move home, is blaming my lack of a father figure, and wants me to see a therapist to deal with my father issues. She claims that if I resolve this need for "feeling love from a man" I won't be bi. She thinks that's all I'm looking for. What makes it worse is she can't understand how I can be attracted to BOTH sexes. She thinks I'm saying it to give her some glimmer of hope so she wouldn't be completely crushed. Now I'm stuck in a situation where I not only have to defend myself, but have to explain to her what bisexuality means. She calls me everyday, makes me feel guilty. Sometimes the conversation changes, and she seems like she's getting better, but other times she calls with this tone like she's waiting for me to apologize. My step-father, unexpectedly, has been unbelievable. His direct quote was "Who cares, he's still the same guy. The world is made up of a lot of different people." I just don't know what to do. I feel like she's calling me to check up on me, I want to talk to her but I'm afraid to hurt her further. She knows I fall for the guilt, so she uses it against me and then I start to buckle. She actually got me thinking that I did just have emotional daddy issues. If anyone could offer any advice, it would be great. Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this, and I'm glad to find an online community that can help me get through coming out.
Mothers seem to take this news the hardest for some reason. My mother cried and blamed herself when my father told her (I told him first and he wanted to tell my mother). I'm not sure what her feelings are on the subject anymore as we have not talked about it since I was home at Christmas, but she seems to want to avoid the topic. I know she talks to my sister about it, because my sister told me this summer that she always asks her if I'm more than just friends with my best friend. I guess what I'm getting at is be glad your stepdad is supportive, hopefully he will rub off on her. You could give her some info about sexuality. Or direct her to a pflag site she can look at, but she is in denial it seems and is just concerned for you. It may take a while before she is ready to accept you, but don't take that personally I'm sure she'll get there eventually. I completely understand about you being the oldest and feeling the need to be the perfect one. I'm also the oldest child and grandchild on both sides of my family so I feel the same pressure. Its hard, but you have to be able to be happy yourself and do things for yourself and know that being gay or bi does not make you any less of a role model or any less perfect.
I'm sorry you're mom took it so rough. But Zec is right, maybe your stepdad will be able to rub off on her, or at least get her to understand that you are the same person you have always been. Do not let her make you feel guilty for who you are. Yeah, you didn't grow up with a father figure, but plenty of people do grow up with fathers and still are attracted to the same sex!
That sounds like a rough situation, Jeco. It's too bad that your mother flip-flopped, being cool with it one minute and having a meltdown the next. Maybe if you try to emphasize to her that it's not your choice, and you're genuinely attracted to men (not just to fill the void left by your absent father), you could calm her down a bit. Let her know you have to do what's happy for you, and that as your mother, she should love you unconditionally, just as you love her unconditionally. It's not as though you can't have kids or a deep, meaningful relationship just because you happen to like guys (in addition to girls). From what I've seen in the past, if someone "thinks" they're gay (or bi in this case) or at least admits they're curious from a young age, they probably aren't merely tricking themselves into coping with the loss of a father figure -- they truly probably are not heterosexual. I find it illogical to assume that you've got profound psychosexual inner conflicts due to not having a male role model from age six onward. It's possible that your mannerisms and behavior may be correlated to that (since you only had a mother figure to "act like," but your body likes what it likes, is attracted to what it is attracted to, and will urge you to be with whomsoever it finds physically desirable; your sexual orientation isn't going to bend one way or another purely based on nurture. I think you should do a bit more reflection on these issues, then try to put it to your mom as logically sound as possible. Good luck!
