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Coming out is hell!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Davo, Sep 14, 2007.

  1. Davo

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    I only just discovered this site, and have read some of the posts already in this thread and hope to read more in the future, but whenever I hear coming out stories where it all has a happy ending it seems completely different to my experience. I really want to say what i'm going through because i feel really alone right now

    I'm 21, have struggled with my sexuality for about 10 years now, and only recently sorta came out. I'm amazed to see all these teenagers having the courage to do it while still at school as I was terrified I would be ripped to shreds if anyone found out. I've tried to be very straight acting to hide my true self, and have gotten into the habit of it. I hated being gay, denied it for a long time and even tried to kill myself when I was 14 (i say that but i never went far enough so that anyone found out about it.) I'm so nervous and shy around all people, if I make any friends I always keep myself at a distance, making people think I don't like them

    Anyway, my best friend thought I was straight but just shy around girls, so he set me up with a friend of ours who I'm sure liked me, even though we hung out quite often I was always holding back from her. Anyway, he asked her out for me, and she said yes, which forced me to come out to both of them, and I was so terrified I ended up texting them after a night out (I would have said it face to face but it was a friend's birthday and i didn't want to ruin it). I had the most painful, terrifying night of my life desperately waiting for a response which didn't come. After the girl phoned me the next morning (saying she was fine with it) she called my friend, and he then called me, saying he was okay with it, and that was that. We haven't spoken about it since (after a month he asked me while out one night but I was very nervous about talking to him so it didn't go anywhere.)

    Although two of my friends know, that's it, I couldn't think of coming out to my family (I'm almost certain my brother's homophobic), and I have no idea how to come out to anyone else. I'm scared to make friends with girls who I think likes me, and as mentioned before I'm terrified guys i make friends with will find out so i push them away. I feel really isolated and unable to talk to anyone about this, even though I've sort of come out, I still feel as awful as I did before
     
  2. Im really sorry to hear that you feel in such a bind about this. However, i am glad that the people you came out to are okay with it (or said they did). Its good to know that you've got friends that can accept you and don't necessarily judge you based on your sexual preference.
    Idk the community that you live in, so whether you should come out slowly, all the way or not at all. however, if you can stick to your friends, and hang around people that they do, you may find people that are just as accepting. This is how i came out to my friends and all of them were really good about it! As for parents, thats a really tough call! Try to accept yourself first. thats my suggestion. if they try to tell you that its not possible, try to let them understand in their own way. help them if you can. try to figure out how your parents react. try not to get depressed! people should love you and like you for how you are, not as they WANT you to be! keep your chin up! i hope this helps you and good luck no matter what you do!
     
  3. Jim1454

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    You've come to the right place. Welcome to EC! Just keep reading! I found that reading everyone elses stories about being gay, being bi, not being sure what they were, coming out, not coming out, etc. made what I was going through seem a little more real, and a little more normal. I think you would find the same. You've lived this entirely in your own head for sooo long, never sharing it with anyone, that you can't imagine sharing it. But here it all becomes more real, and not nearly as scary.

    In the mean time, accept the advice above as well. Just work on accepting yourself. You can have male friends that are straight. You can have female friends too. But I found it was really helpful to find a gay friend too - not for a relationship, but someone I could at least be myself with, and talk about 'it' with.

    If all else fails, there are TONS of people in here that you can talk 'virtually' with, and about just about any topic!!!

    Again - welcome! Stick around and get comfortable here! Its a great place!
     
  4. Daniel6

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    Welcome to EC from me,:icon_wink
    I am 21 too and just came out to two of my friends a few months ago. I used to by a shy guy, lack confidence and introvert. I didn't want make new friends and become close with them since i was afraid they would reject me if they knew i was gay. So I cut of relationships with others, isolated me from them and i wanted them to think i was not friendly. I thought of committing suicide many times but never had the courage to do it.
    But things are quite ok for me now. Though the friends who know i am gay don't feel comfortable with me being gay ( they never want to talk about gays), but they still treat me nothing less than as i was before. I still want to commit suicide somtimes but less than before.
    As for coming out to my parents, I don't think i would ever do that. I'm from an Asian country. People here are very conservative. All GLBT people are like aliens to them. However, i am planning of coming out to them a few years later. I don't want them to discover it themselves when they are older since you know old people often have heart attack.
    I have felt better since i joined EC and I hope you will too (*hug*)
     
  5. greg

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    It is interesting reading all the threads about coming out and being scared, not cultivating friendships because we are scared that our friends will discover who we are, everyone seems to have the same stories re the way they feel, being scared, rejecting friendships etc. Exactly what i did, it makes me think that we are all just normal people, and that society has made us do abnormal things. greg
     
  6. Beachdreamer

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    Davo

    I think you've made a huge step forwards in finding EC and setting it all out in a post. I really hope that telling 'us' has helped a little.

    I'm somewhat older than you and have only just discovered that I'm a lesbian so I can't offer advice on that element.

    I would advise that you allow yourself to have friends (girls and boys) and try not to worry too much about being gay - if they get to know you as a person and you've not tried to 'come on to them' (sorry awful turn of phrase) when and if they find out that you are gay they'll like you for who you are, as opposed to not liking you.

    Most of all, please be kind to yourself - you'll see that life does get better and there are some really brilliant people around here who will listen when you need an ear, laugh with you when you want to, give you a steer when you are not sure where to look and just generally be here....

    Okay - mother hen session over! :slight_smile:
     
  7. crimsonarcher

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    welcome to EC!!!

    I think my brother's homophobic too..cause when i came out to him ( as a joke to him) he said i hate you- "45%"...i'd call that homophobic.

    but yeah, you came to the right place!!
     
  8. sngl

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    I can really relate to your experience, because I just came out to one of my firends about a month ago and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I've lived in denial for many years and refused to accept the possibility that I might be gay (even though I always knew I was).

    When I finally faced the facts and got enough courage to tell someone, the next few days were some of the hardest days of my life because I couldn't talk to that particular person (we were on a holiday at the seaside with a lot of friends and I couldn't talk to him privately) and I didn't know what he was thinking about me, whether he's OK with me being gay or not. Afterwards, when we finally talked and I explained everything to him and he said he's fine with it, I felt relieved.

    I think you should also try to talk to your friend about it, if he already said he's okay with it then you don't have to be afraid, just explain the whole situation to him and you'll feel much better. I know it's hard to talk to someone about this, it takes time to get used to the thought that you don't need to be ashamed of who you are and what you feel. But you really don't! Well, at least that's my experience. Good luck:thumbsup:
     
  9. Bromptonrocks

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    Davo

    Welcome to EC.

    Take your time reading all the replies you've had. You've been given some great advice.

    In my experience, life is too short trying to be the person everybody WANTS you to be instead of being who you really are. If only society would mind its own f:***: ing business and let us get on with our lives. After all, we don't interfere with their lives and who is to say hetero is normal. You must accept yourself - it can't change. Once you do that, you can start to take positive steps. You've already taken one huge step by being here on EC.

    I don't know much about your friends but true friends will accept you for WHO you are not WHAT you are. As you go through life you'll meet more and more accepting people and you'll begin to readily accept who you are. This will take time but you've already taken the first steps. Be positive and keep going at it. We all deserve happiness - just don't let the minority ruin things for you. Remember, the opposite of minority is majority and you will meet them as time goes by. The minority have the problem - not you or us.

    Good luck and keep posting back if you need advice or need to talk. (*hug*)
     
  10. Davo

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    Thanks everyone who replied to my post, it's a huge relief to find out other people are going through the exact same thing I am, and your advice has been helpful. I haven't had much of a chance to look at this website but I hope reading your posts will somewhat make me feel less lost in my own head. It's a bit surreal to finally be able to tell people how I'm really feeling, as even though I've come out, I haven't spoken about being gay to anyone, and it's really frustrating me at the moment

    While I realise I'm incredibly lucky to have had my best friends support me, I feel very disconnected to them, as both have been away over the summer, and I'm stuck with my family. I never intended to come out to my parents until I had a safety net of friends, and I suppose I have that, although it has been so long since I spoke to them I feel that I need my friends more than they need me.

    I'm moving into student halls next week, which I guess is why I'm feeling very frustrated at the moment. I really got on well with last years flatmates, but I always held myself back from them, and made myself very miserable in the process. I know I'll meet new people this year and will do the same thing again as I'm terrified people will find out I'm gay, (I think Daniel6 described this feeling better than I have.) The problem is, especially when you're living with guys, they'll talk about girlfriends they've had, and I always tend to lie to cover up and I hate this about myself, although I can't come out to them that early on.

    I hate lying about the fact I'm gay and keeping it secret, and I hope once I see my friends again that I'll get the courage to talk to them about it, but it just seems like I'm looking forward to another 10 years of pain and anguish and that thought terrifies me.
     
  11. Jim1454

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    I hope you don't subject yourself to another 10 years of pain and anguish... because it will be you doing it to yourself. I understand that you're not sure how or when to come out, but it shouldn't be another 10 years before you get comfortable with your situation. You've got to figure out how to deal with your room mates... maybe just be honest in terms of not having been with someone. I wouldn't lie about that, but you also don't need to disclose that you're gay either.

    You might be VERY surprised how comfortable you start to get and how soon now that you've got this site to express how your feeling, and share the experiences of others that have gone through the same thing!

    Good luck! Stick around and make yourself at home here!
     
  12. Daniel6

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    I know it's hard to lie about ourselves. That's why i told my friends my secret. I used to be afraid of my friends' talking about girls since i had to pretend i liked girls too. I used to wonder what my answer would be if someone asks me if i am gay. I went to some forums and asked straight guys there to prepare for it:icon_sad:
    I suggest you talking with your friends whom you have come out to, tell them how you feel. I think they will understand since they are already ok with it. Call them, message them, email them....
    Today i feel like if someone asks me the question i will say yes. I don't mind if they still like me or not since i already have some friends who understand me. Wish you luck(*hug*)
     
  13. greg

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    I ve just about finished reading a book called fairyland by sumner locke elliot its described as a semi-autobiography about a guy called Seaton Daly who grew up as a gay man in sydney during the 1930s and 1940s. i quote one part of the book "It was the common bond of their commonplace assurances that held them together, and although at twelve years of age he was not yet able to digest the significance of this, he had become quietly aware, perhaps ashamed, of his knowledge of growing secret antlers, possibly wings. That among these people he was a changeling. But not even to Essie, ( a character in the book) not even in a wisper or a dream, did he ever voice it."I am different." At 12 years of age this is how i felt anyone the same .greg
     
    #13 greg, Sep 18, 2007
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2007
  14. Davo

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    Thanks Greg for the book quote. I really wish I had more access to gay stories of that sort, or this website, when I was 12. Maybe it would've helped make things clear for me and I wouldn't have been in denial for so long

    I've spent the last few days busily meeting my friends, and found I'm a lot less depressed in the process, even though the meetings didn't go well, I was at least busy so not thinking too much about all this crap. It seems clear to me that I cannot speak about being gay to my friends. There was a huge group of us the other day, 3 knowing I'm gay, my two best friends and the girl I mentioned, and a crowd of others who regularly threw about homophobic comments which I struggled to ignore. My friends are so incredibly straight, I know talking about it to them will make them uncomfortable, so why should I bother?

    I think I'm just a distant person, I've spent so long keeping myself at arms length from people that there is no way I can ever change. I've read all these posts about people being freed by coming out and they can truly be themselves but I don't think that's possible for me