So this is my way of getting it all out and finally being honest with myself....I journaled this..this big jumbled nonsense..and my stupid stupid decisions. never asked for this I really went through most of my life just thinking...I like girls....and then oh there's a name for that...bi. Easy enough..but what happens when through years of relationships and marriages you realize you were never bi. YOu just had no idea you were gayer than a 3 dollar bill. Well I'll tell you it fu$$ng sucks. First you date guys and realize gawd they are boring and get so sick of them so fast but feel obligated to stroke their ego and stay. Then you find what you want but are partially denied...and then toyed with and then given something you will keep forever...pull it out and wear it on occasion because it reminds you of her...the first girl that kissed you. (jewelry related) Then you go through life realizing wow this IS ok.. I don't have to always hide this. Very cool. I don't have to hide the fact that I've been crushing on chicks since I was able to pick up a crayon. Right the fu$k on..... But wait...you think you are still supposed to go after guys because you are SUPPOSED to. So you do..and get so bored with them so quickly...say things to stroke their ego..do things to stroke their ego..wondering why it just never felt right. You can kiss them, andeventually when older....you even were able to fu$k them...but it never felt right. It was always like a silly joke even though it hurt you sometimes when things didnt go right. Marriage, kids...and so many girlfriends and daydreams in between. Then freedom but with a catch. No longer married to a guy but confused and have kids. WOW what lesbian would want that. BUT WAIT everyone is making you feel the way they did before and making you think you have to have a guy. You even believed deeply still at this point you were only bisexual. Really believed it. Things happened with girlfriends and things made you realize something didnt add up. You WERE ALWAYS supposed to feel THIS way....not the way guys made you feel but LIKE THIS. So you keep going for the safe zone...bi women. You don't even fucking realize what you were doing and what you were doing to yourself. You get a taste of the real thing and gears move in your head. Holy fu$$ng s$it I'm GAY??? NO!!! Not possible. NOT POSSIBLE. But those bi girls will rip you to shreds. It isn't even their fault....they did nothing wrong. They are bi not gay. bi isnt gay and bi cant ever be gay. So you get married again to another guy. WoW big fuc$$ng mistake...umm..honey...you are gay..and that is a penis. Oh yah I don't actually like those, oops. So now I should have another child..OH it ended up as 2. AND DRUMROLL PLEASE......... YOU ARE NOT STRAIGHT YET...... You thought it would work this time. It did not. So now you spend a few years sleeping alone but are married to a guy...and he is sad that you don't want him. He understands...but really gets sad sometimes. You spent all of those years thinking you needed to be with a guy and be straight or even just be bi....and all it did is hurt you and others. Let's peer inside.....you cheated on all of them with.....many many girlfriends. shocking...no...not really so much because a bird can only go so long without bird seed. This bird is dying inside and needs the bird seed so much. BUT I CAN HOLD IT TOGETHER, KEEP IT TOGETHER. My gawd it was so fun being bisexual..can I go back to when I was..or wait...I wasn't. I just thought I was. So now....you are on fire inside literally and have to deny yourself any sort of love or pleasure so you can do the right thing, He says it is ok to have a girlfriend...but then feels abandoned and says it is not ok. She says she is still in love with you even though she did the same thing.......choked and went off with a guy once she realized how much she loved you. It was the most poetic move 2 people could make. Feel the heat and get the fuck out of the kitchen. How stupid. So now you spend a few years turning it back on and then running away...via cyberspace...realizing that just one word sets it all on fire and your blood literally boils with every intioxicating excrutiating word she mutters...You can't resist this sort of feeling...because only she can give it to you and only A SHE has ever given it to you. Why did I believe I was just bi? I don't know. I really don't know. I believed with all of my mind body and soul that it was true. It was a fu$$ing lie. I was geared to be straight.but never was and can't be. I'd like to be. I would even settle for bisexual. WHY????BECAUSE IT IS SO FU$$NG EASY. Nothing has to change and no one gets hurt. I don't want this but this is all there is. I still keep trying to deny it and push it away but it comes out exploding like....something under pressure.....bursting out and consuming you immediately. This feeling...is it A stranger?? NO....the feeling of being whole and real...yes.......unfortunately. There is no where else to go, it finds me no matter what. It finds me. I don't have an issue with being a lesbian for the record. I just have an issue who who I am going to have to hurt because I am a lesbian.
Yeah that's pretty much my life story there too. you hide and hide and try to lead a "normal" life or what every one else thinks of as a normal life and it just gets old after a while so i've given up and i will get what i've wanted all along.
Aww im sorry for all that you have been through, stick around EC there are people who have been through similar. I know its difficult when you think about the people you might hurt by coming out as gay, but at the moment you are just hurting yourself and that isnt fair on you.
why cant bi girls date gay ones? i'm confused. and apart from that, i went through this whole stage a few years ago when i thought i was bi because i was trying to hold onto the 'normal' part of me. never had kids though...
That sounds wicked rough. Sorry you had to experience all that! I hope you find some folks here with a similar story and find some good community. It can be so hard. Hang in there.
A metaphor I like to throw around is this one. Say you're standard height - five or six feet. Now say you're living in a house built for people three feet tall. So you bang your head on the doorways. You have to crouch way down to take a shower. The counters are all way down low. And you need to get into fetal position to fit into bed for another rough night sleep. Given that, you might think "Life would be so much easier if I weren't so tall." But see, the problem isn't that you're too tall. It's that you're in the wrong house. And honestly, I think you need to get out of that house. I don't consider staying in a sexless marriage to be "the right thing". Not only are you not able to enjoy somebody sexually, but you're keeping him from having an active and enjoyable sex life, too. Lex
I have been through a similar life. I was married once, but for 19 years before being able to accept I was gay. I attempted to tell my ex wife and children in many ways since the divorce. The las time I texted them, they said they did not receive the message. I attempted again to face to face tell my ex wife and she said " this is not a good time for the children or me for you to do this". I am who I have always been GAY. The difference is now I am able to accept myself, even if others refuse. They were told what they do with the information is not my area of control. I will live on happy thet I made the effort. We cannot force acceptance from another person, some will never accept differences.
Something for you to consider: You are far too worried about hurting other people, which by the way makes you a good and caring person. However, that's causing you to do things that are hurting YOU. You need to take care of yourself first because what you've been doing isn't working and cannot stay that way forever. I won't lie, some people will be hurt by your sexuality. But a lot of those will come round and realize that it's just the way you are, and that trying to be anything else is making you unhappy. They will be sad for a while, but after a while they'll be happy that you were honest with both yourself and them, and they will eventually support you. The ones that don't ever come round...unfortunately it's a hard truth that some relationships have to end. It's tough as hell, but surely it's not worth the pain of what you're putting yourself through right now to try and prevent that.
Well It is nice you see your self for what you really are,and Welcome to EC. Most people here have simuler storeys,Some people are lucky and are able to see what they are from an early age like me for others it takes a little while, In this case you so do not what is right do want feels right, It well take a while to get used to trust me on that one and other people will agree. but once you are happy with your true self move in with your girlfriend and make the most of it.
