Came out to mom

...Get ready to read people...

So any of you who read my message on the welcome forum know that I planned to come out to my mom last night, and I did. Overall, I'd have to say it was better than I feared and worse than I had hoped, so pretty much it was what I had expected--the worst best moment of my life.

It was pretty late. She was getting ready to unwind and I told her not to. There was a huge build up, a really long pause and then I asked her if she had any idea what it was I had to tell her ... and nothing. Then I just blurted it out and it was kinda like something smacked her in the face. Her head shot back and she just kind of stared at me which KILLED me--I had no idea what to do. I basically told her its not something I decided on out of the blue, it's something that had been weighing on my mind for the last couple of years, etc. etc. She said she didn't want my life to be more complicated than it had to be, and that she didn't want me to close off all possibilities, which I totally understand, but I told her that has nothing to do with it. In retrospect I should have said something along the lines of "I don't want my life to be complicated either that's my I'm simplifying it" and that "closing off possibilities for real happiness is what I have been doing my entire life," but what can ya do? Hindsight's always 20/20.

Then she was really quiet and I asked her what she was thinking, was she sad, angry, upset, confused, etc. becuase she wasn't crying which I had really expected because she cries at everything, so that threw me off--the fact that she wasn't crying may seem like a good thing, but believe me, it's not. She said she still loved me, to which I replied, "you'd better still love me, or I'd be really pisssed off with you" which may sound over the top, but that's the way I am...blunt and cuttingly honest when I don't have time to process my thoughts. I figure it's a good thing I said that though becuase in addition to just telling her that I'm the same person I've always been, it kind of gave her some evidence. She kind of smiled, but it wasn't anything that really raised my spirits, or hers I don't think (I know that whole scenario may sound bizarre to some, but it is what it is). I was quiet for a little longer so I asked her to say something, anything but she couldn't, which I can understand.

Then we just sat there in the living room for the next 15 minutes with the tv on while she did some busy work. Then I kissed her goodnight, went to bed and kind of under my breath (but with every intention of her hearing) told her that I hoped she felt better in the morning, which I knew wasn't going to happen. The next morning my mom showed me and my dad off to work and that was that...she was quiet, but it was 7am, so it could have been because of that.

So that's how it was for me. I'm back from work and she's at a meeting so I prob won't see her til tomorrow night, so at least she's preoccupied. I feel bad becuase I know this makes her sad and that's the last thing I want, but for me to expect her to stop being sad would be like her expecting me to stop being gay. No matter how much we want eachother to do what we want, it can't happen just becuase we want it to. It's like I feel worse for her than she does for me, but there's no way for her to ever understand the complexities of that.

In the end I want her to love me for the real me, not the ideal me and I'd rather she be unhappy with the truth than ecstatic with the lie.


I wish I were happier that I told her, but I think I'm as happy as I can be. I want closure and coming out to my mom hasnt' given me that, but that's ok. I still have a lot of things to deal with, but at least coming out to my mom isn't one of them anymore.


...And that's the story, but not the end...