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So, there it is.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Ben Jammin, Oct 12, 2010.

  1. Ben Jammin

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    Thursday evening I came out to my best friend after battling with myself about it for too long.

    One could say it has been a battle all my life but it was only recently that I put myself in a position that I had to listen to the person that I am, not the shell of a person that I was barely maintaining.

    I now understand that I have been making poor choices because they provided a distraction, another problem to focus on when the only problem was not allowing myself to be happy.
    After reading an abundance of materiel from Empty Closets and others, I lay in bed, another sleepless night and finally spoke the words 'I'm gay'.

    In about a week I was armed with enough strength and knowledge to realize the truth about everyone in my life.
    There was much tension, angst, anger, joy and suicidal thoughts that ran through my mind that week leading up to coming out but thanks to reading nearly every coming out story on this board I understood this was all part of the ride.

    I remember coming out for the first time to anyone about as well as most people remember their first car wreck, as that's how it felt when I finally shifted our conversation and I said the two words.
    As I expected (hoped) he was very cool-headed about things and encouraging, while I remember very little, I do remember him saying he 'half expected it' and it would take him 'A hot minute to chew it over' with me reminding him it took my whole life, so take all the time that's needed.

    The discussion was left there for the rest of the day and we went about things as planned.

    Friday I was invited to a small get-together of a group of people he frequently hung out with that I have met in passing, so while I barely knew them I figured it was better than keeping myself locked in my little apartment alone with my slew of emotions and thoughts, so I went.
    Not 10 minutes after arriving at our destination my friend pulled me aside to tell me that 'He felt honored that I could reveal and confide in him as I had last night and was very happy to be my friend.'

    I could have fallen over backwards and not even noticed due to being so overwhelmed with relief and joy at that moment. Now as I type this I question if there are words in the english language to describe just how significant his words were to me, but I will never forget standing by that dirty, calm river in the dark and feeling someone important to me accepting me for the WHOLE person that I am, not just the person I portrayed to everyone.

    Still high on emotion and a little buzzed on punch that smelled like lighter-fluid I found myself going over to my other friend's place Sunday evening for bro support. His girlfriend was hosting a pre-halloween party with mostly hair stylists for attendees, so I went to be a good buddy and avoid being alone. Not surprisngly, we found ourselves hanging out in his basement while the party went on upstairs, making small talk that led to my friend revealing his own depression and issues that we talked through to the point of ending on a positive note.

    Somewhere between light conversation about bikes, heavy conversation about thoughts of suicide and playing too many rounds of Mortal Kombat I was able to relate to his emotional distress by bringing up what I had been going through, as I was having come to terms with my sexuality.
    While this certainly caught him off guard we ended up being better friends than ever that evening and we both left the next day stronger than the last.

    With all this said, I come to a few points of self realization;

    I used to go out of my way to demonstrate to the world around me that I did not care what they thought. Only after coming out do I realize that one of the biggest influences in my life is what others thought about me, as if I were screaming 'I am perfectly calm!' as loud as possible.

    Only now am I free.

    As I said to myself and my friend when he was telling me of his depression; suicide is called 'the easy way out' because life is hard- it's always hard, but it's the people around us that make it easier.
    After experiencing how much just a few genuine words from someone you trust and care about can mean it is impossible to let others judgments affect you.

    Only after allowing myself to come to these realizations do I know what it means to be free to live your life as the person that you are.

    So, there it is...my name is Ben, I am gay, and I'm going to allow myself to be who I am. :slight_smile:
     
    #1 Ben Jammin, Oct 12, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2010
  2. Chip

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    Ben,

    What a wonderful story, and what a wonderful introduction to EC as well! It's great that you've decided to join us as well as to share your story so eloquently in the process.

    It is an amazing feeling when you tell the first person... and it gets better as you feel more comfortable and open up to more people. I hope you stick around here, both to share your own experiences and to help others as well.

    Welcome to EC :slight_smile:
     
  3. Flare

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    Brilliant story. I really enjoyed reading it. :slight_smile:

    It is amazing how much a few words or sentences can mean the whole world. And more often than not, the person who says them doesn't even realise how much it means.
     
  4. x2x2x2x2y2

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    That's a great story. I'm happy that the people around you were accepting. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Eleanor Rigby

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    Hi Ben and welcome to EC :slight_smile:
    Thank you so much for sharing your coming out story with us. I am happy it went so well and I am happy for you that you feel comfortable in your own skin now.
    Take care, Cécile
     
  6. Revan

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    Congratulations. I loved the story :slight_smile: And I'm glad you guys are still such good friends :slight_smile:
     
  7. remow49

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    That is an amazing story. I'm so happy for you! I especially liked this part:

    I feel that exact same thing every time I come out to someone new. It's the best feeling in the world and you feel as if nothing could hold you down.

    Congrats :slight_smile:
     
  8. Lebowski45

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    Congratulations, a great story. And welcome to EC Ben, I know from experience how helpful reading about others' experiences can be
     
  9. Ben Jammin

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    Thank you all for the positive feedback!
     
  10. The BC

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    Ben, I hope you stay around here for a while. Reading others stories helped me so much and I can only imagine yours will help others as well. I am genuinely happy to hear you are happy to be yourself and to just be. It feels freaking amazing now, and will only get better. For me, the best part of my life so far has been my friends saying it doesn't matter if I'm gay or not, and that they love me and not my facade.

    Once again, congratulations. :grin: