I am officially the world's BIGGEST idiot

Hi, newbie here. *waves*

*sorry, long post ahead. you may want to get some coffee*

Well, it finally happened. Today, October 2, 2007. And I feel like the world's biggest idiot.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching for the past week or so about myself, and I figured that it's finally time to tell my mother two very important things about my life.

The first thing is that, I've enjoyed writing ever since I was a sophomore in high school. And now overtime, I've discovered very much more that I don't want to do this as just a hobby anymore. I want to make a career out of it.

I've never been out to my mother. I knew that she was always hoping that I'd eventually start a family and everything, and I've hated possibly leading her on to false hopes like that. And while I knew that she's comfortable with homosexuality as a whole (I've known this since about a year or two before I myself shortly realized who I am), sometimes I would get vibes that she wasn't comfortable with the idea of her own son possibly being gay. There weren't many signs, but I saw a couple. Which is why I never said anything about it.

But recently, I figured that it's time I stop lying and shutting her out about my life. I'm going to be 22 years old in a few weeks. She's the person in my family that I am the closest to, and I can't hide forever. And it's not fair for me to, in a sense, wear a mask to my closest family member, and be in denial, and masquerade with a woman just to make her happy. Ever since I realized the truth and was able to tell myself that I am gay, I made a pact with myself that I would never do that. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to my mom, and it's not fair to the woman, whoever she'd be.

Earlier tonight, I came into her room. I had been crying before because I was so scared.

Well, I walked in and the fact that I avoided her since she came home, and according to my tone of voice she could tell something was clearly up. I tried to make some small talk, by asking her how she thought dinner was. It was a pasta bake with meat sauce. She liked it. Well then I sat down next to her, and I was so nervous. I told her that I had two important things to tell her. The first thing, about what I wanted to do as a career, I knew she was gonna be happy about that. That part I wasn't worried about.

The second thing... well, this is where I was on the verge of tears (again), as I said "I need you to know that you'll always love me." And she reassured me by telling me she always will no matter what. So I told her, "the second thing is that.. *long pause* I'm gay."

And she was like.. "and......, duh." She's fine with it. She still loves me. And she also told me she knew ahead of time. She said she's known for a while. "I'm a mother, I'm pretty smart you know." I couldn't believe it. I gave her the biggest hug I probably have ever given her. And then we talked. I told her I'm sorry I didn't tell her sooner and she said it was okay. And we talked about other things too, it was really nice.

For years, if I told her, I had been expecting a lot of tears, arguments, and "where did I go wrong as a parent?", and if there's one thing I hate, I mean really hate, it's seeing someone close to me cry, especially someone important to me like my mother. About 25% of me thought she might say she went wrong somewhere, since my dad has never chosen to voluntarily be a part of our lives, I've never met him. But I should have known better. It was the fear taking over my thoughts, I suppose. My internal horror was taking over my rational thoughts. And it literally drove me insane. That's never a good thing.

Another big thing why this was so scary for me was that this marks the first time ever in my life that I have ever verbally told anyone that I'm gay. In other instance with the few people I've told, it was either in a note, I simply answered "yes," or the conversation was "understood."

I was so scared for the life of me that this would go horribly. And it didn't. Now, if I've gotten any tears left, they're tears of joy. It went perfectly fine. And now I'm wondering "did this really happen? It did. It did happen!"

And that is why I feel like the world's biggest idiot. And, hey, it's actually really a good feeling.

 

I hope it goes well for you.

Thank you guys for all the kind words and the warm welcome. I really genuinely appreciate it.

 

Thank you. I am very happy. I swear, this is the happiest I have ever felt. It felt to me like I was back in school, and there was a test I had to take that I was not ready for, and I was so worried that I had failed. Then not only do I find out that I did decently on it in the end, but I also passed with flying colors.