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Advice...came out to my best friend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Im Knot Dumm, Dec 5, 2010.

  1. Im Knot Dumm

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    So I mentioned in my coming out to my brother story that I was considering coming out to more people, and my brother has told me that he thinks I should come out to a few close friends, and my boyfriend of over 18 months has also started to come out to a few of his close friends, so we’ve both figured that it’s just a matter of time before everyone knows anyway. The first friend I wanted to come out is my best mate Ryan.

    Some background: Ryan and I have known one another from about the age of four, since we were on the same soccer team as kids. We ended up at the same school and were in the same group of friends, although it wasn’t until the age of ten or so, when we both signed up for rugby and ended up in the same team, that we became close friends.

    We spent weekends, holidays, pretty much any spare time we had, together; we spent so much time together that he was referred to in my family as the “fourth son”, and on average we talked to one another at least four times a week, if we didn’t see each other that many times in the same timeframe.

    There was, and still is an element of competition to our relationship. We compete against one another, to see who is the better athlete, who is smarter, better looking, more successful. As we grew up, our relationship went through some terse periods, like when he was chosen as captain of the school representative rugby team (which I was also being considered for!). But we always got over things like that.

    I figured being my best friend he should know the reason that for the last few years our friendship has, at least on my part, been somewhat superficial. Any topic that required real input or depth, I was an observer and gave advice, but I never really contributed because it meant that I would need to tell him, and others, I am gay.

    When we were hanging out one day, I was sort of down (my boyfriend and I had had a huge argument, and I was really quiet and grumpy) and the conversation began with him asking me why I was so mopey and quiet the last few days. When I lied and said that I was fine, he kept pushing. So I decided to tell him.

    It started with me saying that when I had said over the last year that I was single, that was a lie. I was in a relationship with someone I loved, that I had been for over a year, and we had a pretty serious argument.

    Then he asked why I hadn’t told him I was seeing “a chick” (direct quote), why I would lie about being okay, and why he felt I needed to hide a relationship. I figured there wasn’t going to ever be a good time to tell him, and I may as well do it know, while I was having this moment of honesty.

    I asked him if he remembered when I left my last girlfriend, and the reason I used. He said he didn’t, being so long ago, but he didn’t understand why I would ever leave her, given that she was “a stunner” (again, I quote). So I just blurted it out.

    Me: “It doesn’t matter how attractive she was mate, because she’s not my type”
    Ryan: “If she wasn’t your type, then what is?” (he sounded bewildered at this point)
    Me: “not…women. Men. That’s my type”.

    I was noticeably shaking at that point, and he asked me a few questions like who else knew, if I was taking the piss, and clearly seeing how nervous I was, if I was okay. We spent about ten minutes just talking about general stuff, then he looked at his watch like he was in a hurry and said he was late for something, then left.

    That was almost three weeks ago. So we went from talking everyday to not talking at all for the longest period since we were ten years old. I’ve called and texted him, and he’s not replying to anything. I haven’t been over to his place just because I don’t know how I would cope if my worst fear were confirmed and that he was deliberately ignoring me because he wants nothing to do with me.

    I don’t know if I’m overreacting, but my last coming out was a pretty negative experience, so I’m thinking I might be a little bit paranoid at this point. I really don’t know how to react, the last few weeks I’ve just been so…miserable. I’m able to give him time to deal with it, seeing as I have had years to do the same, I just haven’t read any experiences on here that are similar and I’m at a loss as to what I should do? If anyone has some advice, I would really appreciate it :icon_sad::icon_sad::icon_sad:
     
  2. Chip

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    Hi.

    First you did a brave thing by coming out to him, and I think you absolutely did the right thing.

    But from his response, it sounds like it took him by complete and utter surprise. This is someone who has known you pretty much his entire life, and felt he knew most everything about you, and you about him. So two things are going on here:

    1. He is probably angry (feels like the rug was pulled out from under him) that you didn't tell him a long time before; it probably feels like a betrayal of his trust. Now... that belief isn't reasonable or rational, but it is likely the first thing that came to his mind.

    2. If he does not have other gay people in his life, or know other gay people well, then all sorts of thoughts are probably going through his head... what it means for the relationship the two of you have, rethinking conversations or experiences you've had together, perhaps even questioning his own sexuality.

    And... with all that stewing through his head, he also is dealing with the stages of loss which everyone goes through when they lose something of importance (in this case, his identification of you as his "straight" friend). The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

    My guess is he's processing this and dealing with it. I can't possibly imagine that you will lose his friendship entirely. More likely, he is thinking about it, perhaps dealing with the anger and the bargaining and maybe even the grief... and if he doesn't feel he can tell his parents or others, then he's doing all that alone, which isn't easy. So he may need time.

    What you might do is send him an email or facebook message and acknowledge that it may have been a complete shock, and that you would understand if he was angry that you hadn't told him sooner, but that, as far as you're concerned, nothing is changing, you aren't attracted to him except as his friend, and you hope that he will eventually feel the same.

    I had a somewhat similar (though not quite as strong) response with one of my very close friends when I came out. He sorta suspected but didn't want to admit to himself that it was possible, and one day he hinted around and I just sorta, in code, acknowledged that yes, I was gay. We were in a car and it was sort of awkward, and things were a little weird between us (similar silences and separations) for several weeks. When he started making gay jokes at my expense, I realized things were back to normal, as the nature of our relationship was that we were always making jokes at one another's expense.

    And I'm sure something similar will happen for you.
     
  3. Lotty

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    That was so brave of you:thumbsup:! I wish I had the guts to do such a thing. I think you should just go to him and ask him what's wrong. If he reacts vaguely, then ask him wether it's got something to do with your coming out. If that's the case, then ask him exactly what the hell his problem is. So you're gay, doesn't affect him. Nothing has changed. You were always gay. The only thing is that he knows now.
    Wow, that all takes a lot of courage. But since your coming out also did, I think you can do it. Good luck!!!(*hug*)
     
  4. malachite

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    He might just need time to adjust to the fact that you're gay.
    Did you come to terms with your sexuality over night?
    He sounds like a cool guy, so have faith he'll come around.
    In the end you can't control what people will do or how they will react, if he is will to throw away a friendship that has lasted since you were kids over something as trivial as sexuality then you can do better