A week ago I introduced myself as a guy who's going to come out to his parents the following weekend. And I'm happy to tell you that I actually managed to do it. But here's a (somewhat) full story of how I've reached this point. Well, first off I realized I was gay at the age of 20. Before that, it was obvious as hell since I was never really confused about my feelings: the romantic feelings I had for guys felt completely natural for me and I don’t remember ever feeling terrible because of them. But I thought it was "just a phase" and that "whatever it is, I'm certainly not gay". Makes perfect sense, eh? When I finally admitted to myself that I was in fact gay, it felt very good and relieving. Shortly after that, I thought I would tell my sister and parents right away... but then something just held me back, and even the thought of coming out felt terrible. I realized that even though I was comfortable with my own feelings, I was still terrified of being labelled "gay". I feared that people would see me in a different light, even my family even though they have always been very supportive of me. I also found a “logical” reasoning for myself to not come out: “I’m not gonna tell them because even if I did, I still wouldn’t be ready get a boyfriend or anything, so I’m not really hiding anything and it wouldn’t mean shit if I told them. So I’m just not gonna tell them.” You know, some experiences in life (being gay included in that list) had made me embrace the more cautious side of me, worrying about what other people think of me and being very careful of speaking my mind and also of the things I reveal to other people about me. I would be lying if I told you that I was ever suicidal or even really depressed being in denial or in the closet, but looking back to it all, it probably had an impact on me being even more cautious and self-aware of my actions than what comes naturally to me. Half a year later after “coming out” to myself, after reading some coming out stories, I decided to tell my sister. She had always expressed very gay-friendly statements before and we’ve always been close, so I felt like it would be a stupid thing not to tell her already. She was an obvious choice to be the first person I would tell as I knew she would be 100 % accepting of it. The only fear I had was that she could start to worry about me for it, and I also had the assumption that everyone has at least some “positive stereotypes” about gays, so I felt the need to assure that I still don’t have a fashion sense and that I wouldn’t go shopping with her like I never had before. She understood it all and also understood when I told her not to expect anything further to happen, you know, that I would come out to any other people or get a boyfriend or anything like that, as I still wasn’t ready for it. Over 2½ years passed before anything concrete happened. At a few occasions I considered whether I could still try to date someone, but it didn’t feel right at all. The main obstacle was always telling my parents; it was something that I needed to get over with as I wanted them to be among the very first I would tell and I didn’t want to lead some “secret gay life” behind their backs. But what did happen in those years and months was that I gained some self-confidence, not just over this issue but self-confidence in general. You know, I’ve always known that I’m a somewhat decent guy; I’m certainly not the dumbest asshole out there and I think I have my heart in the right place. I started to realize the things I intellectually knew to be true: I had no reason have a low opinion of myself or to worry too much about what people think about me, quite the opposite. So a few months ago, I told a bisexual friend of mine when she asked me about whether I was "seeing any girls" or something like that. You might think that it wasn't really too big of a deal for me, and of course it wasn't, but in the past I would've always made some shit up no matter who I was talking with while talking about issues like this. So I felt like I had actually made some progress; I didn’t feel an absolute need to hide it from absolutely anybody. I also perceived a change in the way people view LGBT people in general. Two months ago, there was a sort of debate in the Finnish national TV about LGBT rights in which some anti-LGBT rights people said some nasty things and pretty much made an ass of themselves, while the people of the other side of the debate (a few gays and lesbians plus other defenders of LGBT rights) were calm, reasonable and pretty much owned their opponents. The things said in the debate were nothing new to me, but the public reaction to it was quite unprecedented. As the anti-LGBT rights people were mostly religious (of course using the Bible as one source of their bigotry), during the next few weeks some 40,000 people left the Lutheran church (about 78% of the Finnish population are members). I also talked about the whole controversy with my parents who during our conversation expressed so pro-LGBT statements I almost couldn't believe it. That's when I really started considering coming out to my parents. And this is the part where I finally start talking about my recent coming outs, after all this massive introduction. :icon_bigg A month ago I decided to tell a good (male, straight) friend of mine. I have actually met him only a few times since we met on the Internet and don’t live near each other. We, however, talk whenever both of us are online and I’ve known him for over 10 years. Even though he had also expressed pro-gay statements before, I still was very nervous of his reaction and to be quite honest I was sure things would be at least little awkward for a while. I wasn’t feeling very good while breaking the news. But instead… he gave me the most awesome reaction I could imagine. He was surprised but it wasn’t a shock to him, and the conversation we then had just further confirmed my high opinion of him. He asked me how long had I known about this and if my “coming out” to myself was a relieving experience to me. He also asked me how many people knew, what my sister’s reaction was when I told her and how I thought my parents would react to it… we also talked about the attitudes, the stereotypes and how being gay should be a non-issue but how coming out can still be a hard thing to do. He even said he felt proud of the fact that I was able to tell him. And it just felt so great! I couldn’t believe how supportive he was about the whole thing. After that, I had a huge urge to tell my parents and it was a disappointment that I didn’t have a chance for a few weeks to do that. But last weekend that chance came: mom and dad were both there, not being busy with any other things. So I asked them to sit down. Mom freaked out, but then relaxed when I told I didn’t have any major illness, I hadn’t committed a major crime and it wasn’t anything of that nature; everything was fine. I began by bringing up the whole debate of LGBT rights as of late and how I actually had used it as a way to find out their honest opinions about the whole subject matter. I expressed how amazed of their reactions I was and how it had confirmed my high opinion of them. I finally told them that the reason why I’m telling them all this is the fact that I’m gay. Mom immediately started talking how it’s completely OK to her, how it wasn’t a major surprise to her and so on and so on. That’s pretty much the reaction I was expecting, because I've always found it very easy to talk to her about all sorts of things, whether it's about some band I'm currently listening to or something more serious like this. I probably would’ve told her earlier if it weren’t for the fact that I wanted tell mom and dad at the same time. Dad, however, was completely taken by surprise (which, in turn, was a bit surprising to me). He was accepting of it right from the start, which I expected since he has numerous times expressed how proud he is of me and my sister and how much we mean to him, so I knew that me being gay wouldn’t make him disown me or anything. But I could tell that it was a bit of a shock to him, and he also stated that even though he doesn’t look down on LGBT people, it’s a different thing to find out that one’s own child is gay. I told him that I understood, since I had had my whole life to get comfortable with it, and he’s just heard it. As I realized that it wasn’t just a small announcement I had just made, I just continued talking, trying to be as honest and open as I could and to fix any misunderstandings dad may had had. I told that me being gay didn’t mean that I was going to dye my hair pink tomorrow, start using colourful clothes instead of the black ones I’ve always liked to wear, start to talk with a “girly” voice instead of the deep baritone voice I’ve always had and I still didn’t have a fashion sense… and me liking sports or listening to heavy rock or wearing the same kind of clothes day after day wasn’t me putting on an act or trying to be “straight-acting”. I was still the same guy as last week, and I had always been this way. I just wanted to be honest about something that had always been there. Dad asked a few “usual questions” that can come up when coming out, like “how did I know”. I replied, “the same way you know you're straight, simple as that”. When he was expressing that it was OK that I was gay he said something like “it’s your choice and I respect that”, to which I obviously replied that if it really was a choice you can make I would’ve been straight since the age of 10. He understood it all very quickly and I didn’t have to further explain that I was absolutely 100 % sure of the fact I'm gay. I could continue on and on about the conversation us three had since it lasted for about 2 hours. What actually is important is that during it all dad told me that I still was their son, this wouldn’t change anything between us and he hoped I would visit them as often as I had had in the past (I live on my own but not too far away from them). It made me have tears in my eyes. I, in turn, expressed how lucky I felt of the fact I had such awesome and supportive parents, which made both mom and dad have tears in their eyes. A week has passed, we’ve talked several times and it really feels like nothing has changed between us; things are not awkward in the slightest. I know I did the right thing by telling them. I don’t have any further plans of coming out or start dating or all that (which I also expressed during the conversation with them), but the thought of it all feels much better and possible now. The biggest obstacle of it all has been removed. Well, it turned out to be even longer text than I initially planned :icon_bigg I actually feel a bit of a wuss because of the fact it took me so long to reach this point, given the circumstances I've been in... but at the same time I know how coming out can be hard, no matter how good of a situation you are in and everyone needs their time. I wanted to express my story in detail because I've found it helpful to read other people's stories, and maybe someone can relate to mine. I guess that's all for now.
Though my response is short, I did read your long post. Well done, things seem to be going well. Not an unusual pace for people who come out at your age, not miles different to my own experience. So take care, and be pleased with yourself for getting through those steps. (*hug*)
That's great!! I'm glad your parents took it so well. It really seems that they're so lucky to have you as their son, and you're very lucky to have such grounded and understanding parents.
Thank you very much for your responses! (*hug*) I am really feeling good about myself at the moment and the progress I've made, even if it has been slow as hell. I'm really happy that all of my coming outs have actually deepened my relationships with the people I've come out to, and I'm indeed feeling very lucky that all my family members are on that list.
