Hi all. I'm glad that I found this site. A little about me. I'm 38 married for 16 years with 2 kids (15 girl, 12 boy). I've been depressed for many years and not really knowing why. I THOUGHT that I was doing everything the way a man/husband/father SHOULD be doing. Still i really felt my life was crap. Things came to a head with my wife and I 'fessed up to smoking pot. She flipped and wanted to kick me out of the house. We were able to compromise to me sleeping on the couch. Well this set off a hard look at my life now and the past 20 years leading up to now. The revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. I was gay. As soon as that thought entered my consciousness there was a sense of relief. Suddenly my life now made sense. This was like a giant jigsaw piece that was missing and without it the picture didn't make sense. Almost following that thought, I was horrified. I couldn't believe my situation. I was going to ruin everyones lives because of this. I managed to keep this revelation bottled up for about 2 days. I was driving to Toronto to work at a clients in the evening and I just was breaking down and crying. My thoughts turned to an easy (thats relatively speaking) way out. I could just sharply turn the steering wheel and end it with a car crash. I had enough sense to pick up my self phone and call my sister. I desperately needed someone to talk to, to tell this revelation to. I hoped that she wouldn't reject me. I knew that I couldn't handle that. Not in the state that I was. Luckily she was home and knew by my shaking, crying voice that something was really bad. When I got there, she first made sure that my kids,wife and house were okay. Then she asked whether I wanted to hurt someone or myself. God I love her for caring so much. She made me some tea, set her own kids in the basement watching a movie and listened to me. It was so hard to actually get the words out "I'm gay" I didn't think that the act of talking to be so physically and emotionally exhausting. Her response was not at all expected. She said "I'm not really surprised". I felt like such a doofus. Was I the last person to figure this out? She got me calmed down, and gave me the best advice she could. She has battled post-partum depression for many years. She said that I need to go see my family doctor first thing in the morning and tell all, get on some meds for depression and seek out counselling. I did those things the very next day. But it was one of the toughest days of my like. I couldn't deal with my wife, the people at work. I was almost constantly crying and in a daze. That was about 3 1/5 weeks ago. I saw a shrink for the first time yesterday and one of the things he urged me was to find support online. That I wasn't the 1st married-gay guy to come to him and wouldn't be the last. That perhaps there would be others who would share their stories with me. I've gone through about 12 pages thanks to Kneedragger you're storing is very inspiring.
This is only about my second reply on this board, and I am not trying to be profound or wise. My circumstances are quite different than yours - am 59 and never been married or been in a serious relationship. This board is quite a resource and inspiration. I applaud you for taking action and I applaud your sister for being a compassionate sibling. I am partially out, but never was to my parents, who are gone now, but I think they had me figured out. How my life would have been different had I been more open about myself years ago. My prayers are with you in the days ahead and I hope this Christmas season will be rewarding and meaningful for you and your family.
Hi and Welcome to EC the both of you. It a nice story and it will turn out in the end, All you have to do I figure out how to brake it to your wife and kids and It well be hard, my great uncle was in the same position except he found out before he got married. This will probably be some of the hardest months of your life, The way I see it is you can either stay the way you are and stay with your wife, were you wound feel not complete but you would safe you wife and children a emotional roller-coaster or you can come out to her and your kids and break up with her and try and find a boyfriend but you may loss everything. I feel for you and I wish you was not in that position were it is a no win situation. I hope thing turn out for you. -hugs you-. I wish you all the best
Thanks for the words of comfort. I don't believe that I can maintain a silence about myself to my wife. Things will go whichever way they will. I just hope that I can keep her and my kids in my life.
Hi and welcome to EC. I know just how you feel. I was married, and I have young kids. I suffered through depression for years, as I repressed my sexuality. Being gay was not a viable option for me, or so I thought. All of the messages I received about gay people when I was growing up were negative. I thought that since I was married, I would never have to deal with those thoughts and feelings again. Well, as you know, how wrong I was. My marriage fell apart, and I hit bottom. I did not want to live anymore. Thankfully, I found a great therapist and began dealing with my depression. I was so deep in the closet that it actually took me over a year to finally come out to her! Fast forward to today. I am completely out, both personally and professionally, with no difficulties. I have a great circle of friends, both straight and gay. My partner of two years is the most amazing guy I know. Before him, I never knew what it felt to truly fall in love. Finally, my ex-wife is one of my biggest supporters, and my kids have no issues with it. My point in saying all of this is to let you know what kind of a future awaits you. Finding a good therapist is a critical step. This process may not be easy, and things may not always go as you planned or hoped. There will be really hard days. Hang in there. Take it in small bites. Once you work through it, life as a gay guy can be great. Take care and please let us know how we can help.
First of all, welcome to EC I think you have come to the right place. I think we have a couple of gay guys that were married and are now fully out and happy. I don't have much to say except to congratulate you on deciding to come out and to wish you luck on everything. I think what you are going through has to be one of the toughest coming outs and I truly respect anyone in your position for having the courage to do so. Best of luck
First of all welcome to EC! :smilewave You took a couple of big steps in coming out to your self and to your sister. You are not alone in coming out later in life and being married. I am 43 and came out to myself about 5 years ago. I was never was married or had a steady girl friend before coming out. I did however like you when I realized that I was gay it hit me like a ton of bricks. The point I am trying to make is that you are not alone. Now that your joined EC, you won't be. Before you come out to your wife, I would suggest that you talk it out with your sister and therapist so you have a plan in case things don't end well. Once you do come out it does get better. Just hang on. I am out to my family, friends and coworkers. I also have the best bf in the world. He was married and has 4 kids. Good luck! (*hug*)(*hug*)
Thanks, I have my ups and downs. Usually in the same day. I was really down and sad this morning, but am okay now. I find that I am getting a bit obsessive about role playing in my head what my coming out conversations might be like. Some of them end in a spectacular Broadway number and some end in a depressing made for Canada movie. Geez, I know it needs to happen but do I have to spend almost every waking moment imagining it. Does this happen or happened to anybody else or am I unique in that respect?
Hey, man, I'm sorry you've been through all this, but I'm glad your sister seems to be so supportive. You're not the only one who has been married and realized you're gay. I also realized I was gay with a similar discovery of a missing puzzle piece, although I wasn't married. I hope the therapy is a big help for you and that this, and maybe other online resources can help you as well. You can get through this and be better for it You have kids and you can be a great dad to them as a gay man, at least as well as straight men can be. You'll be happier being true to yourself and that should help you be a better person, friend, and father. Hang in there, man!
You are not alone feeling obsessed with coming out thoughts. I was the same way. I kept on thinking of how I was going to tell my parents and my twin brother. I thought they would disown me and I would be alone. The holidays the year before I came out were hell for me. I kept thinking that it could very well be the last holidays with my family. The whole concept of being gay is new to you and its a big realization. It is going to change your life. One thing that may help you is to discuss the role playing you have with your therapist. Also you can post your concerns and even rant on here. This is what we are here for.
What a roller coaster ride my drive into T.O. today. It takes about 1.5hrs. I was listening to a mix cd I made and it started with Clarence Carter's - Strokin'. I got to thinking about the other post on 'in my pants' music, and laughed my ass off. A few songs later Katy Perry - Fireworks. I first saw the video and really listend to the lyrics about 2 weeks ago. I cried the first time. Since then I have played and heard it about a dozen times. No crying. But I kinda felt like it was my personal anthem during this time. Well.... listening to it today, I started wailing...crying so hard no sound was coming out. It was so wierd 'cause as i'm crying i'm thinking to myself WTF is going on, This is crazy. Anywayt the song ended and I was able to compose myself. Thankfully I didn't swerve off the highway or hit anyone. A couple of songs later, Katy Perry - California Girls. Again I started wailing. I had enough presence of mind to switch the song fairly quickly. and was okay. I guess that today wasn't meant to be a KP listening day
When I came out to my self I was listening to the Scissor Sisters "Tah Dah". There is one song 'Might Tell You Tonight', its a beautiful love song Jake Shears, the lead singer wrote for his bf. It listened to it tons of times. It made me realize that I could eventually find someone and fall in love...ad I did.
Sorry I'm late to this party. I've been putting in 80 hour weeks recently. Welcome and I'm glad that you found inspiration in my story. What you are going through is where I was about a year ago. It gets better. There will be ups and downs. I still have to deal with it, but it's liberating. Just keep pushing forward. As for music, I've been through lots of depressing songs while coming out. Now I try to go for the positive and the one I currently love is Sick Puppies Maybe.
Are there any words more true? I came out to my first person, my therapist, about 3 weeks ago. I posted a thread about it, and if you look, you will see how I had trouble spitting the words "I'm gay" out. It's like I couldn't even form the words in my mouth. I've known that I'm into guys for over 3 years now, but I didn't actually tell myself "NO. You aren't bi, you're gay" until I was 15. It was very difficult, and I commend you for speaking up about this in the amount of time you did. It took me over 3 years to finally get help, because I too have been in a deep depression since I was 13. You went and told your sister just days after finding out, then soon after went to counseling. I think you are on the right path.
Thanks GoinStag and KneeDragger. Had a pretty tough time with my wife this morning. She was really down and sitting on the floor crying. She only knows that I am depressed not what is causing it. Its really hurting her. I could barely make her tea let alone comfort or help her. I can't do that until I'm feel I'm better? We were able to talk and yell at each other. She wanted to know if I was just biding my time till I walk out the door or was I committed to the marriage. What are you supposed to say to that? I said that ATM I am so confused that I don't know what I want, and that's the truth. Well she kept on at me not understanding (or caring) that I couldn't give her an answer. Finally I just started crying. It was the only response that I could do. Part of me wanted to just yell at her and tell her i was gay. But a wee little voice inside me reminded me that this was not the way I wanted her to know. I don't want to tell her in anger or to be hurtful to her. Since she was so down in her mood and I was rapidly getting there, it was not the 'right time' at all. I guess her seeing be break down like this brought her abit out of her funk and she apologized and tried to console me. Gawd... this is hard.
Well, let me start out by saying I can sympathize. You are being hit with a lot of change, and you're handling it better than most people would. I wish I could put this in a more gentle and compassionate way. Please don't think I'm being insensitive. The question is: are you planning on staying with your wife? If you aren't, I'd suggest coming out to her after you two separate. This might take away some of those "were you cheating on me?" questions. I could be wrong. No matter what, I'd suggest trying to keep arguments on a lower level in front of your children. Don't let this tear your family apart. There aren't too many things that have scarred me worse than seeing my parents anger towards each other during their divorce. If you can maintain a healthy, civil relationship with your wife in the midst of this emotional turmoil, things will run much more smoothly. Comfort her like you've been doing, that will show her and your children that you still love her. I'd just suggest you keep doing what you've been doing. Stick to the counseling and meds like you've been doing. That should make things a little bit easier. Also, you have your sister. Take advantage of your courageous move to come out to her. If she loves you enough to accept you, she loves you enough to listen. Talk to her. The last thing you want to do is keep all of this in.
To reply to your inquiry am I planning on staying? I don't know. Short term I would like to. Long term, I don't think so. But this will have to be something that I and my wife will need to work on. I don't really see that not telling her as being an option. Not that I have had a relationship with a guy or am planning one anytime soon. For my own sanity and well being I will probably be telling her soonish. I was going to do it this weekend after dropping the kids off at my sisters, but my shrink raised a good point. He asked whether I would want every xmas after this one to be associated with me coming out and whatever implications that may have. I think he had a good point. So its going to have to wait until sometime in the ne
I want to start this off by saying first and foremost, NONE of this is your fault. You definitely have to come out on your own time. I would wait 'till coming out after Christmas too. My mom had her Grandpa die on her 15th birthday and her niece (my cousin) died on her 44th birthday. Two things you don't want to be reminded of on a day like that. Don't pressure yourself in any way. Come out when you're ready, 'cause in the long run, while it will have an effect on your children, this is YOUR life. Not to say "don't give a shit about the feelings of your children", but think about yourself as well.
Thanks GoinStag. My brother (3yrs older) arrived this afternoon from Seattle with his 3 kids. He's been having a tough year. Going through a divorce and such. He knows from talking to my sister that I'm having a hard time right now, but not what. He's called me a few times to talk, but it didn't feel right to say much. Mostly 'cause the wife and kids were right there and he seems so far away. We used to be best of friends a long time ago, before he started high school. I'd like to have that kind of relationship again but IDK. I asked him if we could have a coffee together Wednesday evening to talk. I haven't seen him in almost 2 years and his kids way before that. I plan on coming out to him. I want him to hear it from me face to face and not over the phone or email. I think (really I hope) that he'll be okay with it, but if not, oh well he lives half way across the country. It won't matter if he hates me afterwards, but if he's supportive that'll be great. Another notch on the outing belt.
