So I've come out to all my family and the friends that I am very close to and interact with regularly. Of course it feels great. I am really living a surreal life because I never thought I would do this. The first two people were basically told by my own auto pilot...sitting down and spitting the words out. I could not be happier with how this process went as I received 100% positive feedback and loving support. Now I am still on my Christmas trip home and enjoying the peace and calm. This is well overdue and a chance for me to continue to settle into my new persona. There is a problem, though, or at least I feel like it might be a problem. I had no interactions or relationships with guys prior to coming out. I had a lengthy, but non-sexual relationship with one girl. So as I am free and at peace with myself, the issue is thinking about basically entering the dating scene. I guess I feel unprepared or unsure about how to proceed. I certainly want to meet a lot of guys, helping to narrow my choices to great guys. But I really have little experience. So, without sounding too crazy, I'd like to just ask a list of questions and I would really appreciate ideas on each. 1. What methods do you find work best for meeting gay guys? Online, bars, clubs, group activities, or just random looking? Planned gay events or just regular, looking for gay choices? 2. Being 23 years old and completely new to my new life, what would be a reasonable way to jump into this? Have a lot of safe fun with a lot of guys? Or I was thinking maybe I'd rather take a little higher road and go into each situation looking for a relationship, really just wanting to establish a connection, obviously aware that it might be short lived. 3. I dress mostly like straight guys, act mostly like straight guys (everyone was shocked I'm gay), and am certainly not "ripped." It seems like most of the online dating guys are insanely built. Should I make getting myself built a priority? What kind of a draw is there for gay-acting/dressing vs. straight-acting/dressing guys? Can I stay who I am or should I or WILL I just change over time? A friend immediately wanted to take me shopping when she found out. Well, maybe, but I'm not normally a shopper kinda guy. 4. What type of effort or time requirement do guys find it takes to establish a relationship? Just a few concrete examples would be helpful. I guess I really want to set something up soon because it's what I've always wanted and now I am free to do so honestly and completely. I wonder how likely it is that I could find a guy to take home next Christmas? I'm sure I sound crazy and unusual on a lot of levels. I'm just trying to understand this world a little more and ANY advice or links would be great. I'm sure I'll do some searching.
1) In my opinion the best place to find someone is somewhere/doing something you enjoy. This way the people you meet will have the same interests as you and you'll be more likely to find someone compatible. Going to an indoor knitting championship to find someone when you don't actually like indoor knitting is only going to mean that you'll be surrounded by people that are most likely incompatible. 2) I wouldn't go into any sort of relationship thinking that it will be 'the one', or really anything more than a friendship. If you do this, chances are you won't be acting as yourself and will go out of your way to make things work, and any relationship where you aren't yourself will fall apart once you drop the act. See how you like each other before moving it to the next level. 3) Don't change yourself for anyone other than yourself, for the same reason as number 2. Don't change your mannerisms from what comes naturally; the reason you came out was to stop a percieved lie, so don't start up another lie by pretending to be someone else. 4) See number 2. I wouldn't recommend going into a relationship with any sort of expectation of when things should escalate. If it happens it happens, but trying to force it will most likely not work. Or, pretty much summing up my post, don't change anything intrinsic about yourself to find someone. You'll be far happier in a relationship with someone that likes you, not someone you are trying to be. Unfortunately this advice isn't going to work if you want to find someone right now but it'd make for a good relationship when you do.
I'd reiterate what Ridiculous. Coming out should be about finally being yourself. Of course everyone tries to conform to something, but be as natural as you can. You can never know when you start something if it will be a fling or a relationship, so don't think too much about that before you go out and start meeting people. If you're lucky, a connexion could grow and develop. There's no real way of knowing how lucky you'll be, whether you can bring someone home next Christmas. You don't have to go to gay-specific environments to find someone, but it depends on where you are, how mixed the company is. And whatever impression people might portray on dating sites, gay men are as likely as straight men to be well built. We come in all body sizes, so don't fret!
There is such a feeling of freedom yet also such a feeling of helplessness as I see my new found freedom that I want to explore and enjoy, while keeping my life within reason. I also feel like I have a lot of living to catch up on. I've rationalized that, while I lost some relationships, etc., I am fortunate to have completed a great education, moved to a major city, and set up an amazing apartment that wows people given my age. I think it will take me a few relationships to build up my self-esteem and feel better about myself simply because I haven't done this and have repressed this part of my life. As I get into the scene hopefully things will turn up and, as I've said before, I didn't realize my life could get better--and coming out already feels amazing. My boss told me I'll have to get with the lingo (terms) and getting built helps. He was primarily referring to the bar scene. I have never been a bar/club guy, probably somewhat because I have been focused on work rather than fun/relationships of course I would rather not jump into that scene but I still want the opportunity for good relationships to begin.
Only advice I'll give is this: Don't try to changhe yourself to be more "gay" Gay is not what you are, its only a part. So, you don't have to change anything about yourself because you are gay.
I'm just out to a few people, but I feel the same way as you. It feels great on many levels, but what is next is still nerve racking. I also feel the like I have missed out on part of my life all these years and have some catching up to do... so it is nice to know other people are going through the same thing. For what it's worth... for me, is I actually feel more motivation to get in better shape. Before I felt like I should get in decent shape for health reasons, but looking good for girls wasn't much of a factor.
I don't know if your boss is gay or what or even where he was coming from by saying that. But I don't think that knowing the lingo or being ripped will change how you will find a long term relationship. It may help with finding a one nighter to go home with after a night at the bars or clubs. But that might not be what you actually want. Like the other posters, be yourself. Engage in activities that you like doing or hobbies. The rest will follow. This is the same advices that I give to straight guys looking for girlfriends. The formula works for everyone. Take care and good luck
^ Pretty much all of this for me too. I have noticed that in the month since I came out, I have started being a lot more particular about my self image, grooming, and how I generally present myself - dressing nicely (in MEN'S clothing for a pleasant change), fixing my hair, making myself smell delicious...stuff like that. I think it's because my self worth was so ridiculously low when I was closeted, I just didn't even care how I looked because I didn't want to draw ANY attention to myself. I dressed for anonymity. Mandarof, I really can't give you any advice that Ridiculous already didn't say better, so I'd just generally agree with that.
I really do agree with basically everything presented and I have found in this process it is easy for me to lose sight of my own values and desires as this seems to overpower my normal behavior. As time goes on I am realizing that this is just a part of who I am that I can now slowly incorporate into my entire being. I recently turned 23 years old. I have struggled a bit with if I lost some experiences in my life, but am thankful that I still feel reasonably sure things have worked out for the best. My parents have always (my whole life) been telling me to WAIT. Wait for a great new gadget, wait for a vacation, wait to get a pet (still haven't), wait to get a really nice car, etc. This advice is always tough but has time after time turned out crazy beneficial and I haven't ever regretted waiting. In my earlier years I was able to focus on and excel at both high school and college, now in a great career with a ton going for me. My incredibly supportive cousin has made sure to comment how well I'm doing for my age. Well, now everyone knows why I am! Cause I wasn't dealing with girls (or GUYS really) and my replacement for what I thought I "shouldn't have" was to spend all my time working on and accomplishing my life. I am really, truly looking forward to the future. I must say, though, that I want a great relationship as soon as possible. It seems to me that the online dating sites may be leaning toward one-night-stands a bit? Anyone else agree? In many of those cases the guys on there are ONLY concerned with your pictures. I never have thought I'm outstanding in that department but I think I have other qualities to offer (personality, behavior, life position). These qualities of mine consistently blow friends and family away when I go into detail. This whole process has allowed me to see how little I really thought of myself. How little I respected myself. It will take me a while to build myself up. How old are others before they came out / starting actively exploring their sexuality? I think being gay alters this world a ton. I am very fortunate to have met 100% acceptance with every single person that matters to me. I have left a few people off the telling list but only because they are older and may not ever need to know...got this far in life without anyone knowing so maybe that's fine. PLUS, when these people bring the girl topic up I have a room full of people to help guide the subject away or back me up so keeping it from a couple people is a lot easier than being alone trying to cover it up. I'm obviously overwhelmed with every positive and negative emotion that exists. I've officially conquered the ice berg but this is merely a new beginning of experiences. CERTAINLY the biggest chapter-break in my life, seriously.
I agree with your assessment of the online dating sites. I think that they are mostly for one night hookups. I'm 38 and just realized I'm gay. I'm also married with kids and I have to deal with that before I can move on. But if feels good to finally know what the hell was going on with me these last 20+ years.
I agree on all of this, as well. I came out to 3 people last May and it has been great ever since, with the exception of a person is too self-centered to realize that the world is filled with unique and different people. I motivated myself last summer to go on two 6-8 mile bike rides on the Canal everyday. And I stuck with it until the very last week before school started back up for the year in September. Believe it or not, in 7 weeks, I lost 19 pounds, about 7 of that I have regained, when Spring comes marching in, I will be back to my bike rides, as long as the tires on the bikes get replaced for the third time in a year. When I came out, I was quite surprised by the number of people who were so surprised that I was gay. One of my best friends since 7th grade though I was joking. I stayed so quiet about everything when I was closeted and now, I don't give a shit what anyone really says about me. I laugh it off in person, however, sometimes I do have to leave and I break down. I really can't give much advice either, except, LOVE YOURSELF!
I'm finally past the threshold of the bulk of everyone important is fully aware. I can't believe how much of a non-issue it was for everyone. I, too, shocked almost everyone when I told them I was gay. A few people were not surprised--people that are either very close to me or just a few random people that I barely even know/care about. I am thankful that I am not obviously gay. Personally I am attracted to more masculine men and know that this more subtle gayness would be appealing to my family--but it isn't a result of me wanting to please them. It is who I am. The next big hurdle will bringing someone home (live 2K miles from home). As I thought this through more and more I realized how amazing it would be. I can't imagine anything except the warmest welcomes, but it will certainly be a little or a lot awkward, even for me...aghhh!
