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I irrationally fear coming out to my family

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Dan82, Jan 3, 2011.

  1. Dan82

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    I’m currently visiting my family I’ll be here for about another week after that I’m unlikely to see them again for another year. I had planned to come out to them while I was visiting but for some reason I’m afraid to. I know their reaction won’t be negative; I do believe they will be very surprised. For some reason I can’t get over my fear. I suppose I don’t have to come out to them in person when I’m visiting them, I mean I could send them a letter at some other time but I don’t feel that’s appropriate.
     
  2. Mirko

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    Hi there! Having irrational fears and being afraid to take the plunge, are normal. You are trying to let go of and share something very personal. (*hug*) Keep in mind something that you have mentioned though: you know that they would most likely react okay and be accepting or at least they won't have a negative reaction. Remind yourself of that, while you ponder coming out to them, through which ever means. That could help you in calming your nerves and fears a bit.

    Have you thought about writing your parents a letter and handing it to them while still visiting them? Writing it all out might actually help you to feel less nervous and/or afraid.

    You don't have to come out in person if you feel too uncomfortable but in some ways being with your parents gives you a chance to talk to them about it as well and can reassure them that everything is fine. If you have the feeling that they will be surprised, I think it would be one more good reason to try coming out to them while you are still there and can talk with them.

    Before you come out to your parents maybe do the mirror routine. Stand in front of the mirror, take a deep breath and say out loud: "I want to come out to my parents." After that, take another deep breath and try to sense as to how you feel. If you feel okay to good, and feel you are ready, try talking with them, or giving them the letter.

    However, if you feel a sense of panic or become really nervous, maybe wait a bit. Always remember as well, that coming is not a race. It is really about when you are ready, and feel it is the right time. (*hug*)
     
  3. mnguy

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    For me, I think the only way I'd ever do it is by letter. I'm not good with conversations that might get heated and remain calm and make important points. If you can and want to do it in person, I wish you the best of luck and courage :thumbsup:
     
  4. csm123

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    Hi Dan

    Although i would always recomend coming out in person,i think a letter may be good if you feel you just cant get the words out,or you think they may not give you chance to because of arguments etc.Although a letter may say it all,i think it would still be nice to be there and get their reactions and be able to answer any questions.

    Have you a brother/sister/cousin or very close friend to come out to first as this would be good practice and boost your confidence,they may also be able to give a bit of advice on who will be most acccepting or has gay friends as this can be a good sign of a person being accepting.It is also nice to have someone on side,it sort of feels life a bit of backup,someone to talk to,maybe even give you that little push to get it out of the way and start living honestly and open.

    Alot of people on here myself included have been where you are now,but once we finally managed to actualy come out to our family we really wondered why we didnt do it earlier,i really hope you can have one of these good expiriences yourself.

    You say you dont think your family will have a problem with it,so i would advice just letting people know without making any big thing of it and they will just accept it and move on.

    Good luck and hope you find the confidence you need.
     
  5. Dan82

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    Thanks for the replies everyone, I guess I could come out via letter while I’m home although then I have to worry about different people getting it at different times. My main reason for wanting to come out now is that if I don’t I’ll probably keep putting it off and end up in the same position again next year. A couple of other options I’ve been considering; 1) I could write an email to send them now then at some point I will get impulsive enough to send it to them; 2) I will likely be seeing my sister much sooner than I will my parents or brother I could come out to her when I see her and use that as a stepping stone to coming out to everyone else.
     
  6. Ralivar

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    I have the same irrational fear. There is a part of me that is sure that they are going to be fine with it, maybe not straight away but they will be, but then there is a part of me that has this fear that they are going to reject me and hate me.

    When you do decide to tell them, (and that is just something that you have to decide for yourself, only you will know when you are ready) you should tell them in a way that you are most comfortable with, if that means doing through a letter then that is how you should do it.
     
  7. maverick

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    ^ I did it this way. I came out to my brother first, then wrote a letter via email and sent it to my folks. I did it by email because once you hit SEND, there is no going back. It's the only way I could force myself to do it.

    I shared your irrational fear though, hardcore. After sending that email, I had to leave work sick because I was sobbing and throwing up with sheer terror (not in front of coworkers, but I had to leave immediately after to avoid that).

    I chose to do a letter because I didn't have the guts to say it to their face, at least not at first. And because I *knew* that it would go badly, at least at first, I wanted a chance to say absolutely everything I needed to say without being interrupted.
     
  8. csm123

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    Hi again

    Option 2 sounds ideal,this would be a great start and as she knows your family her view on your choice of coming out could be a great help.If you set your sites on getting over this first hurdle,and manage to tell her and get her views on parents etc you will be in a much better place to decide your next move.

    It is good to read your last post,you sound more positive and the way you are thinking makes me believe you are ready to do this while you are home and not wanting to be in the same position next time you visit.

    Good luck
     
  9. Lexington

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    My thought is that coming out is simply something to get beyond. How you get there matters a lot less than getting there. If you want to sneak out of the closet, step out of it, or blow the door off the hinges - it's all up to you. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  10. malachite

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    its not an irrationally fear, you're worried their view of you will change, even if it isn't in a negative way. Change is scary.

    You should do what makes you feel most comfortable, if thats a letter then send a letter. there isn't a right or wrong way to come out.

    I had my fingers pressed against my Dad's carotid artery when I told him.